Disadvantages happen in the life of any person. Someone externally is calmly experiencing death and for someone a real catastrophe becomes a reprimand at work or a failed exam at the institute. In crisis moments calm and help believe themselves the participation of others. What words of support in a difficult moment can we talk? Do you have to sympathize with everyone?

When can I climb in other people's affairs?

Stay indifferent to the problems of a loved one, a close friend or relative at least a minimum of unknown. Even if the case that happened to you, you need to give a "victim" the opportunity to speak. Try to give some useful advice on solving the existing problem or simply express your sympathy. Do you need your words to support in a difficult moment a random familiar or ordinary friend? That's a moot point. Many people experience awkwardness when they learn about the death of her husband's "Masha from the neighboring department at work" and do not know how to respond correctly. Bill with your formal condolences to a person who works in one office building with you is not always decent. But if we are talking about a classmate at the institute with which you regularly meet for coffee and chatting about trifles, it is impolite to ignoring what happened. The most appropriate in this situation will briefly express their condolences or regret and offer assistance.

What to say near a person?

Sometimes it seems to us that we know our friends and understand better than yourself. But this is something happens, and it is completely unclear what kind of friend support should be in a difficult moment. If a person is configured to speak, be sure to give him this opportunity. Try to retire where no one can overhear you. Do not praise with additional questions, but simply listen and demonstrate your interest in your own kind. But not all people are accustomed to sharing their problems. If your friend from this category, and the first conversation does not begin, it is better to give it to calm down and not to pester with questions. The obsessive tips should not be given, but it is permissible to tell, as if you enrolled in such a situation.

How to rehabilitate a friend?

Some problems can be solved. With the others it remains only to come to terms. In the first case, the task of a loved one is to help your friend calm down and start acting. In the situation of the second type, the only thing you can help - try to distract your comrade. The most important thing is to choose the right strategy. If your friend has a close person in an accident, he hardly wants to go to have fun in the club. But together to visit the hospital, walk together for a leisurely conversation - another thing. Of course, the support of the girlfriend in a difficult moment implies real help. If possible, suggest to live for a while together, take part of the household worries and offer the victim to sleep well and relax.

What to do when trouble is a loved one?

Support your beloved is extremely difficult. It is important to remember that your opinion on the problem can radically differ from the perception of the situation by your partner. Much easier for men to understand their women than the opposite. The beautiful floor has emotionality, many ladies love not only to describe what happened in detail, but also to talk about their feelings. From the man you only need to listen. A common mistake that many husbands perform is: just learning about the problem, begin to look for solutions. This is not quite the right tactic. Woman must first regret and calm down. And only after that you can take some attempts to solve the problem. It is possible that both real actions will not need, but it is enough to find words of support in a difficult moment and remind about your love and readiness to help.

How to help survive a dark lane to your beloved man?

If in a pair of troubles occurred at the representative of a strong sex, a woman should be gained wisdom. For some men, problems are only new lessons, and for others any failure is the end of the world. The main rule is the same as when communicating with any other person. You can not try to learn more than your interlocutor is trying to tell you. Support for her beloved in a difficult moment can be based on complete ignoring problems. It is worthwhile, as if nothing happened, trying to please our spouse with some small things. Some men need encouragement. It would be appropriate to say that, thanks to the strong character qualities, they will be able to change everything and establish. The most important thing is to avoid criticism. Even if the current situation occurred due to the error and the lack of your spouse, remind him of this. It is enough to say that everything will definitely, as it was or even better.

How to console the patient?

Health problems are the most serious. No wonder they can buy everything except longevity and their own well-being. What words support the patient will really help? If the disease is non-serious, try to attend your interlocutor and in a comic form to call for a speedy recovery. We will not be reminding that the patient expects after discharge from the hospital. Promise to go to some interesting place or make a long-awaited walk. Priocted the patient and the fact that his presence is missing.

How to deal with those who are seriously sick?

If the disease is quite serious, it is necessary to please the patient with each trifle and try to maintain his good mood. Daily let the installation on the fact that the cure is possible. Tell about people who successfully challenges this disease, and try to introduce your relative or friend with some of them, let it even virtually using the Internet.

Do parents need to support?

Not always the words of support for a close person to choose easily. How to behave in the event that your parents have problems? Between relatives, close so, secrets to be unfinished. But for parents, we stay children at any age, and for this reason it is difficult for them to talk about their troubles and recognize our own weaknesses. Words must be selected especially carefully. So that you are not told, it should not question the authority of the parents. Best tactics will be common concern and participation. Manifest your attention, and most likely, mom or dad will not only tell everything, but also, perhaps, even asks for help or council. If a person is in an depressed state and does not seek to look for a way out of this situation, it should help him tune in to a more positive way. Trying something to distract your parents or just talk, remembering the past. The most important thing is not to give in to a panic and do not rush to act in as soon as calm comes, you can consider the current situation and find the best solution to this problem.

How to help to cope with the problems of your own child?

Hearing

The main thing is to give a person to speak out. Do not be afraid of the flow of revelations and fall into panic: no one requires you a rapid activity and immediate solution of all problems. Questions, advice and universal wisdom is also better to leave for later: at this stage, a person needs to be easy to know that he is not one that he hears him, he sincerely sympathize.

Listen does not mean to measure the idol and be silent until the end of the monologue. This behavior is rather reminded of indifference. You can also show "signs of life" and even need to console a loved one: say "yes", "I understand you", sometimes repeating words or phrases that seemed key, - all this will show that you really don't care. And at the same time it will help to get together with thoughts: both the interlocutor, and, by the way, you yourself.

This is a gesture

There is a simplest set of gestures to help sympathizing. An open pose (without arms crossed on his chest), a slightly prone head (preferably on the same level with the head of the person you listen to), understanding the nodes, approving chicks in the tact of conversation and revealed palms are subconsciously perceived as a sign of attention and participation. When it comes to a close person, with whom you used to maintain a bodily contact, no soothing touch, strokes. If the speaker comes into hysterics, and this also often happens, then one of the options to calm it - hug it tightly. This is how you say to him: I'm near, I accept you, you are safe.

With unfamiliar people regarding bodily contact, it is better not to experiment: first, you yourself can feel embarrassed; Secondly, a person with a rigid personal space such behavior can push. It is also worth being very neat if you are a victim of physical violence.

Without change

It is impossible to dwell on stress, many of us consider. "Take yourself in your hands!", "Find a reason for joy" - here is a standard set of phrases, which drives the culture of the global positive and ease of being in our heads. Alas, all these installations in 90 cases are made of the opposite effect and do not help to console a person with words. Having confusing that it is necessary to look for the pros in everything, we learn not to work on the problem, but to fill it with a mass of conditionally positive experiences. As a result, the problem does not disappear anywhere, but return to it and try to decide every day it becomes more and more difficult and harder.

If a person is constantly returning to the same topic, it means that stress still makes itself felt. Let him speak as much as it takes (provided that you can withstand this process yourself). See what happened easier? Excellent. You can slowly change the topic.

If specifically

What words to console a person? Often I fell into trouble feels my social outcast - it seems to him that his misfortune is unique and no one is doing to his experiences. Phrase "Can I help with anything?" It seems banal and fresh, but nevertheless it shows your readiness to divide the problem and be in the same boat with the victims. And even better to offer something concrete: "Want, I will come to you right now and we will discuss everything?", "Dictuce list of necessary - I will bring during the day," now I will call all familiar lawyers (doctors, psychologists), maybe They will advise "or just" come at any time. " And even if the answer becomes irritated in the style of "not necessary, I will deal with myself", the desire to help will have a positive effect.

Help should be offered only if you are really ready for the exploits, spending time, money and emotions. Do not overestimate your strength, promising what is not able to do, in the end it will turn out only worse.

Popular

Under supervision

I confident like "do not touch me, leave, I want to be alone" often say not so much about the desire to cope with the situation alone, how much about excessive obsession and, unfortunately, condition close to the panic. Therefore, it is still not recommended to leave alone alone. Is that at an extremely limited period of time, while being close and holding a hand on the pulse.

Often, the mood "go to ourselves" provokes excessive curiosity of others, sometimes even not close, their excessive pity, a patronage attitude. I do not like it anyone. Therefore, when you see someone in such a state, you should temper the level of your experiences and sympathy (at least external) and give to understand that you are not going to teach his life or put pressure on the authority, but at the same time you sincerely want to help.

He she

We accustomed to believe that a woman is a creature emotionally unstable and always prone to a hysterical reaction, and the man is strong and default, therefore it is able to cope with stress alone. However, this is not entirely true.

Recent studies of scientists show that a socially isolated man is much worse to transfers stress than a woman left alone with himself: he is more inclined to care and depressed (and girls in force majeure even immunity increases!). And the problem that we, emotional, survive and still forget, can still be tormented by a male brain. Psychologists believe that such a prolonged reaction is a consequence of the fact that boys from childhood teach to be silent and follow their Renomes than for the state of psychological comfort.

A man needs consolation, but will bring it more action than words. How to console your beloved person? Your arrival, delicious dinner, unobtrusive attempt to crush fool up much better verbal recognition. In addition, the active behavior of someone next leads men to himself. And let me understand that he will not hurt to speak out and you do not see anything terrible in it.

Salvation helps

Sometimes we are so enjoying the salvation of immersing that it becomes an obsessive idea. What, by the way, the victim himself will be indulged: getting used to you to listen to your readiness, he, without understanding, turns into your personal energy vampire and begins to discharge all negative emotions on your fragile shoulders. If it continues for too long, soon you will need help.

By the way, for some people the opportunity to help someone turns into a way to get away from their own problems. This is not categorically not worth it - sooner or later there is a risk of to come to a full-fledged nervous breakdown.

If after a long and, as you think, therapeutic conversations you feel squeezed as a lemon, fatigue, sleep disorders, irritability - it is worth slowing down. In such a state, you can hardly help someone, but you will hurt easily.

Depression

We like to apply the diagnosis "Depression" about and without. And although only a specialist can diagnose this disease, there are still general features, when the manifestation of which should urgently apply for qualified help. It:

Apathy, sadness, the predominance of a bad mood;

Decay of forces, motor inhibition or, on the contrary, nervous fussiness;

Slow speech, long pauses, frozen in place;

Reducing the concentration of attention;

Loss of interest in familiar to joyful things and events;

Loss of appetite;

Insomnia;

Reduced sexual attraction.

At least a pair of symptoms from the listed - and you really should find for the victim of a good psychotherapist.

Text: Daria Zelentsova

At first glance, in supporting a person in a difficult moment or sympathize with him when necessary, there is nothing complicated. Nevertheless, very many people are incredibly difficult to find the right words in situations when they are required. How to support a person in a difficult moment and what to say? Universal "recipe" does not exist. And, nevertheless, you can learn to understand what words are relevant in what situations. This will allow you to find exactly the support in which a person needs most.

Vera and trust

Basically, people in life speak very little and hear such phrases as "I believe in you" or "I trust you." Moreover, psychologists believe that it is the lack of direct expressions of feelings and support leads to the fact that people are closed and "go to ourselves." That is why it is very important not to be shy to tell a person similar words. Of course, it is advisable to say them sincerely, but even if you have doubts, such support will be very useful.

It is also not worth confusing the issue of faith and trust. In the first case, it's more about how parents believe in their child, the wife is in her husband and so on. But trust, rather, relevant for friends, comrades, colleagues and those who are important to know your attitude towards them. Because when your loved ones, friends or acquaintances arise some problems or difficulties, just tell me what to believe in them. As a rule, sometimes already so small step will be enough to support.

No pity

Often you can meet those who in the inability of sympathy or complete lack of understanding of their words, begins to express pity. It is worth remembering that he regret someone and express sympathy or regret - fundamentally different concepts. In most cases, the pity will not comfort anyone and will not support. Rather, such words will make a person make even more clicter in themselves and feel unnecessary. No wonder it is pity that is considered one of the most destroying feelings.
Therefore, even if you speak with a very sick person and try to support it - do not express pity. Instead, try, call a smile and create a good mood.

Sobolesnia

In most cases, people are hard to find the right words when it comes to death and funeral. How to support a person who has just lost a member of his family or friend, experiencing a limitless grief? Many people believe that in such situations the words are completely unnecessary, but often it is not. It is best to say what you think. People always feel sincerity and respond to it.

Even if you find it difficult to find the necessary words in such a situation, try to offer any help. Show that you share the grief and are ready to support a person.

Often, supporting a lot in common with inspiration. It is enough to say a couple of desired words so that a person not only gained faith in himself, but also found the strength to overcome any difficulties. Most often, such a type of support is distributed in families. For example, when a husband or wife is decided to change jobs and begin to doubt whether they will find a worthy place of labor, there is nothing better than support. The faith of the most expensive people can inspire any person, but it is worth understanding that it needs to be expressed, and not to keep it. Not all people know how to understand and "read" even those people with whom we live for years, because in the right situations, it is important to pronounce everything you think.

No wonder, most creative people can repeatedly increase their performance and desire if they have a source of inspiration. In the opposite case, they will not even be able to do what they have always worked without much difficulties. Moreover, the creative person is far from always needed even words, it is enough to support his presence or attention.

Depressed support

The most common situations where people need support, it is bad mood, depression and various problems. It was in such cases that the words of a friend, a friend, relative or even work colleagues can "pull out" a man from the puchin of despair and return it to life again. Psychologists always focus on the fact that people are social creatures, because the desire to constantly cope with problems alone, although they can train the nature and power of will, but will never make living in happiness and harmony.

For the start of understanding and accept one piece: Let you have been familiar for a long time and you know a person as irradiated, now it does not mean that his behavior will correspond to your expectations. "There are some general stages of feeling grief. You can easily focus on them, remember, of course, that an individual approach is still needed to each of us, "the psychologist Marianna Volkov explains.

Our experts:

Anna Shishkovskaya
Psychologist Gestalt Center Nina Rubestein

Marianna Volkova
Practitioner psychologist, Family and Individual Psychology Specialist

How to support a person if he is shocked

Stage №1: Usually a person is in full shock, confusion and simply cannot believe in the reality of what is happening.

What should I say. If you are really close friends, best of all to be nearby, not counting on the phone, Skype or SMS. For some people, tactile contact is very important, the opportunity to see the interlocutor in front of him. "At this time, the conversations and attempts to express condolences are not needed, - I am sure Marianna Volkov. - None. Therefore, if your friend asks you to stay nearby and at the same time refuses to communicate, do not try to talk it. Contrary to your expectations, it will not be easier for him. It is worth talking about what happened only when the close will be ready for this. In the meantime, you can hug, sit nearby, keep your hand, stroke your head, bring tea with lemon. All conversations are strictly in the case or on distracted topics. "

What to do. The loss of a native person, sudden terrible diseases and other blows of fate assume not only reflection, but also many worries. Do not think that to assist such a kind is simple. This requires a large emotional return and very extinguishes. How to support a person in such a situation? For starters ask how you can be useful. Much depends on what state is your friend. You may have to take on organizational issues: call, find out, negotiate. Or take the unfortunate sedative. Or along with him to wait in the doctor's reception. But, as a rule, it is enough at least to deal with the solution of household issues: to clean up, wash the dishes, cook food.

How to support a person if he is sharply experiencing

Stage №2.: accompanied by sharp experiences, offended, misunderstanding and even aggression.

What to do. It is clear that it is difficult to communicate at that moment. But it is now a friend needs attention and support. Try more often to come, be in touch, if he stayed alone. You can invite it to visit for a while. It is important to clearly understand whether you are ready for this morally.

Sobolences words

"Most people, expressing condolences, use generally accepted phrases that do not make sense. Actually, this is the manifestation of politeness and nothing more. But when it comes to a close person, you need something more than formality. The template suitable for each situation, of course, does not exist. But there are things that are definitely not worth talking, "says Marianna Volkov.

1. If you do not know what to say - silence. Better after all times, show that you are near and at any time ready to help.
2. Avoid expressions like "everything will be fine", "everything will pass" and "life continues." You seem to promise good, but only in the future, and not now. Such conversations annoy.
3. Try not to ask extra questions. The only appropriate in this situation: "How can I help?" Everything else will wait.
4. Never pronounce words that may appreciate the importance of what happened. "And someone can not walk in general!" - This is not a consolation, but mockery for a person who has lost, say, hand.
5. If your goal is to rendress moral support, first of all, you must hold it very much. Skid, inhibiting and talking about injustice of life is hardly reassured.

How to support a person if he is depressed

Stage number 3.: At this time, awareness of what happened to the person comes to a person. Wait from friend of depression and depressive state. But there is a good news: he begins to understand what you need to somehow move on.

What should I say. We are all different, so the best thing you can do is to ask what a close person is waiting for you.

1. Some need to talk about what happened. "There are people who in a difficult situation are vitally need to pronounce their emotions, fears and experiences. Friend does not need condolences, your task is to listen. You can cry or laugh with him, but give advice and in every way to insert our five kopecks, "I advise Marianna Volkova.
2. Someone to survive the grief, you need to distract. You are demanding conversations for foreign topics, the involvement of a person in solving some questions. Insuit urgent cases requiring full concentration of attention and permanent employment. Do everything so that a friend once was to think about what he tries to escape.
3. There are people who prefer loneliness in difficult life situations - so it is easier for them to cope with their emotions. If a friend tells you that it does not yet want any contacts, the worst thing you can do is try to climb into his soul from the best motives. Simply put, forcibly "cause good." Leave a person alone, but definitely make it clear that you are near and at any time ready to provide all the assistance.

What to do.

1. In the first case, a domestic help is required, especially if your close is not from those who easily agree, communicates and can easily choose the best of several proposed options.
2. You have to help a friend to move a little away from what happened. If working questions are associated - you can spend distracting maneuvers in this direction. Good option - sports. The main thing is not to torment yourself and its grueling workouts, but choose what to do. You can walk together to go to the pool, on the court or on yoga. The goal is to try to enjoy.
3. In the third event you only need what they are asked about. Do not insist on anything. Invite to "go out and disperse" (what if you agree?), But the choice is always leaving for a person and do not be intrusive.

How to support a person when he already survived the grief

Stage number 4.: This is a period of adaptation. You can say - rehabilitation.

What should I say. It is at this time that a person re-establishes contacts, communicating with the surrounding little, takes its usual appearance. Now a friend can be needed parties, traveling and other attributes of life without mourning.

What to do. "If your buddy is quite ready for communication, you do not need to try to behave in his company. Do not try to quickly cheer, shake and lead. At the same time, straight views can not be avoided, sit with sour face. The more habitant you will raise the atmosphere, the easier it will be a person, "says Marianna Volkova.

Visit to psychologist

Whatever from the stages there is a person, friends are sometimes trying to assist, which is not needed. For example, forcibly submit to a psychologist. Here you will have to be especially attentive, because sometimes it is necessary, and sometimes it is completely unnecessary.

"The experience of misfortunes, sadness is a natural process, which, as a rule, does not need professional assistance," said psychologist Anna Shishkovskaya. - There is even the term "work of grief", which healing the effect of which is possible, provided that the person allows himself to go through all the stages. However, this is what it becomes a problem for many: allow yourself to feel, meet with experiences. If we are trying to "escape" from strong, unpleasant emotions, ignore them - "the work of grief" is broken, "jam" can occur on any of the stages. Then, really the help of a psychologist need. "

Cons Support

The experienced tragedy sometimes gives people a reason to manipulate others. Of course, it is not about the first, the most serious period. But you may require constant presence for a long time. Your personal life, work, will not be able to take into account. Let's say you invited a friend to live for a while for some time - a rather common practice. But all agreed deadlines have long passed, and man continues to visit. You are silent, because it is impossible to say about inconveniences, but a lawsuit will be spoiled relationships.

The financial issue is no less important. It happens, time goes, everything that was needed is done, and the need for investment does not disappear. And you inertia continue to give money, afraid to answer with refusal. " Noticed that you start sacrificing myself and your interests - it means there is a reason to talk And clarify the situation, - reminds Anna Shishkovskaya. - Otherwise, the accumulated insult and indignation once provoke a serious conflict with mutual claims. It would be nice to not bring to the scandal, and in time to designate the borders. "

Personal dramas - just one of those faces that are familiar with friends. And your behavior during this period is probably somehow affecting your relationship. Therefore, it is worth rushing only if you sincerely want it.