Unhappy lonely people think their life looks like this:

WaitButWhy.com

Study Confirms Steven Swinford. Marriage makes people happier than six figure salaries and religion . that people who are married are happier than those who are single or divorced. But at the same time, people will be more unhappy than single people, and people in a successful marriage will be even happier than is commonly believed.

Here's what's really going on:

WaitButWhy.com

Lonely people are in a neutral position and full of hope. They are only one step away from finding personal happiness - to create a good relationship.

But if a person is already in an unsuccessful relationship, there are at least three steps to a happy marriage:

  1. Go through a heartbreaking gap.
  2. Experience an emotional recovery.
  3. Create good relationships.

So if you're single, it's not that bad, right?

Thinking about how important it is to choose the right life partner is like thinking about the size of the universe or about death: these are too global concepts that are difficult to grasp.

But unlike death or the size of the universe, choosing a life partner is under your control. You need to understand how much this decision means and carefully evaluate various factors before making it.

Why is it so important

Let's start with the calculation: Subtract your age from 90. If you live, this is the number of years you will spend with your life partner.

It turns out Very many years.

Of course, people can get divorced, but usually everyone thinks that this will not happen to them. Recent Research Most young adults expect marriage for life: study . showed that 86% of young people believe that their current or future marriage will last a lifetime.

When you choose a life partner, you need to consider that he will become the parent of your unborn child and will have a profound influence on him. With this person you will have dinner 20,000 times, he will accompany you on travels during 100 vacations, he will become a friend who will share rest and entertainment with you, a home psychotherapist and someone who will tell you about 18,000 times how his day went.

Factors that work against us

How is it that so many good, smart, educated and rational people choose partners who do not suit them in all respects?

People don't know what they want from a relationship

When people aren't dating anyone, they have little idea of ​​what they want out of a relationship. In one study Paul W. Eastwick, Eli J. Finkel. Sex Differences in Mate Preferences Revisited: Do People Know What
They Initially Desire in a Romantic Partner? lovers of speed dating talked about their preferences in relationships, but upon real acquaintance, after a few minutes, they refuted their statements.

This is not surprising: it usually takes experience to excel at something. But not everyone has time to be in a serious relationship before choosing a life partner. We just don't have enough time.

In addition, the needs of a person in a relationship and the needs of a single person are very different. So unless you're dating someone, it's pretty hard to figure out what you really want out of a relationship.

Society encourages our lack of education in the matter of relationships and advises to let everything take its course.

Dear, dear members of the community! This is not the first time I have addressed you and another community in connection with problems with my husband. You help me a lot. Every piece of advice. Unfortunately, no one from real life helped me as much as you. Thank you! My last post was about everyday problems, my busy schedule and the lack of help from my husband. The problem has not yet been resolved, but, after thinking it over, I realized that my main problem in relations with my husband is that I do not feel happy. And even if he suddenly starts helping me, it won’t make me very happy (It’s about our lifestyle and the “non-fulfillment” of my “dreams”) In short: before marriage, I considered myself a homebody - I won’t break into a party in the middle of the night, I won’t decide suddenly tomorrow to fly to St. Petersburg and similar spontaneity is not characteristic of me. But I like to plan something interesting, go somewhere, if I go on vacation in the summer, I plan to see more, take a walk, get impressions not only from the beach with the sea. I have mini and maxi dreams. Maxi - indefinite - a happy family, children, travel, work for the benefit of society, self-realization. Mini-dreams: it's about them. And the fact is that I have some clichés: when we met my husband, when we started to try to live together and plan a family (then, by the way, everything was not so bad - they got out “in people”, though not enough), I imagined how he will make me an offer: well, as usual - a romantic setting, "beloved / dear, etc." In fact: the day off, I'm in bed, he's in bed at the computer gives out "we need to get married, right?" I say yes, the dream is dead. and in 2 weeks we are playing a wedding in a small provincial town, where we went to meet his parents, and they organized everything for us there. On the day of the wedding, my husband never smiled at me and I did not hear words of love. Worried. Well, okay (to play a wedding in Moscow, as I also wanted, albeit a modest one, he dissuaded me like there was not enough money, the point was to gather everyone to feed and drink, and everything was already there: a white dress, etc.. He convinced me. But anyway, the dream died. In our In everyday life, he never does anything out of the ordinary: he doesn’t give gifts and flowers, of course, but going to the cinema on a weekday is something unreal for him "what kind of movie? Today is Tuesday. I'm tired. Let's go on the weekend." On weekends, we rather we won’t go all the same, he will get tired again or won’t want to. Moreover, he works as a foreman - he manages, at home he is stable at 6-7. True, he gets tired behind the wheel (mechanics), sometimes he travels a lot; he studies on Saturday, but finishes early. Moreover, when there was a lot of free time in the summer, we spent most of the hot sunny days sitting at home. I never went swimming. right now I work, study every day + Saturday all day + home and still full of energy for leisure. Cinema - this is perhaps the only thing he can still do for me) they gave free tickets to the theater - he does not want to. I say: “Well, for my sake, please (and about the theater I already asked 5 times before)”, he says “I don’t like the live acting of actors.” Explain to me why I would go with him to an exhibition of building materials if he would asked me a lot?) I’m glad to do something nice for him: his hands get cold - I buy gloves, my legs - socks, some kind of sore - I google “sore” - I read reviews, I buy ointment, gray complexion - I give him vitamins. I love him and I like taking care of him. And I want to be taken care of. I grew up without a father, I received maternal affection, tenderness, but when I needed concrete, male support from my father, care, I was left with nothing. Unfulfilled desires. On the contrary, he grew up without a mother and apparently needs affection, tenderness and is insanely gentle himself, hugs me all the time, kisses me - this is how he shows his love. And for me, tenderness is not the main thing. I need actions - and I told him and I say all the time. When I want something, I calmly say: “darling, go to the theater with me, please” or “let's go to the cinema, please.” And I don’t ask every weekend, at least once a month to get out normally - take a walk, spend a busy evening - and then I will “satisfy” the rest of my need with my girlfriends). We only go to visit my mother, he also has relatives here in Moscow, and they invite us to visit, like introduce him to his wife, he doesn’t want to, he says he’s not in the mood to go there. Although before me (more precisely, before the wedding), he often went there to eat), but how seriously it began with us and he doesn’t go himself and doesn’t want to introduce me to anyone. In general, I miss the romance. I reluctantly return home from work, I am no longer so pleased with his hugs, I sometimes lose the desire for intimacy, although we are all ok with this. I'm terribly bored. It's my birthday soon. I foresee the most boring birthday) I dream - that he will gather a few friends and - surprise - I understand that this is already a pipe dream, because he is not particularly familiar with my friends. At least it's just a surprise. Yesterday he asked me what I want for others, I say - “I don’t know, I want a good tablet, but it’s expensive, incl. Don't know". He says "take the money from the envelope (the envelope where we save for the future type of business) and buy whatever you want." This situation upset me a little. Firstly, there are mine and his money, equally somewhere, if only his money was there, then maybe it wouldn’t hurt me at all) and again because of this “unromantic” situation. in my family, birthdays have always been celebrated very nicely, with a gift in the morning, with friends in the evening - noisy, fun. There seems to be nothing here. Boring again

You see, I love him very much (sometimes I just don’t understand why), because it is in relation to me that he does practically nothing, only sometimes he takes me from the university at my request (well, 3 times a month) but: he is really a good person. He will not do meanness - for sure, he is reliable, he will not change, he does not smoke or drink, in principle, everything is ok with humor, i.e. we laugh) you can talk sometimes) Nonono is pure patriarchy, the wife should totoipt. no spontaneity, no romance. It got to the point that the other day she cried (almost immediately after his refusal to go to the theater) and when he asks: “what happened and what is wrong?” Nothing happens in our life and everything goes wrong. That's pretty much how I answered. Not the way I dream. I don’t know, but it seems to me that I don’t ask for much - to diversify our lifestyle a little, to help me a little - and I will be the happiest girl) because the main thing - love - is present. And because of the absence of this “little” I feel very unhappy, I am constantly in a bad mood, every free minute I think about parting with him and how well I will live - I will go somewhere for the weekend (he won’t let me go alone or with a girlfriend right now), I will celebrate my friend noisily, I will plan a vacation for the winter, I will start studying normally, I will stop eating myself in these unhappy relationships. What's stopping me from ending a relationship? Firstly, love, and secondly, honestly, I think that I still will not meet better than him. I know a lot of couples - and where one is good, the other is bad - where an interesting life, fun - many have problems with alcohol, somewhere - cheating, I liked one martyr before, we were friends with him for a long time and by the way planned a family, if in For 30 years, none of us will meet anyone). It’s a lot of fun with him, and stable at the same time, but I know him so well that I see that he’s capable of trickery, what he can change, although it will come later that he’s non-abmittent ... and so about many (in short ... of all men and the guys - "angry", whom I know - my "least", as it seems to me. But it feels like I'm unlikely to be happy with him. What he says: "I'm on my toes all the time. All the time I think how to get up on my feet, I can’t relax, so I’m tired. There’s no free money, so we can’t walk normally. We have to get up, then we will live more interestingly. I myself want to go somewhere, see the world, but right now there are no opportunities, etc. "there is some truth in his words Yes, of course, but I don't call him to California or Vietnam, I don't demand tickets for the first row at the Bolshoi, I don't wait for him with a hundred roses on his birthday in the morning - all my requests are mini, like my dreams, which used to breaking

Please, express your opinion. Maybe marriage is characterized by such problems? Maybe I'm not so bad? Or would you run away? Your experience? your advice.

Sometimes, by the way, it seems to me that everything is fine with us, in principle, I think it doesn’t happen ideally. Usually I think so when I hear what kind of goat others have, for example. And everything seems bad to me after his next refusal or psol when I see a post of some beautiful couple who is traveling somewhere) I always thought that marriage should be broken if: drinks / beats / cheats / does not want to work, and then it can be fixed. And I'm wildly bored, I'll win soon (

I have read many letters from women who are not happily married. Their doubts and fears are understandable to me, since I myself was once in the same situation. I will not tell you what exactly happened in our family, it is not so important. As the classic remarked surprisingly accurately, "every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way." This is the most important thing - whether you are happy in marriage or not.

Yes, I was not happy in my first marriage. And then my friend helped me a lot to understand the situation and myself. Maybe her advice will help someone else. I will call my friend Inna for brevity, she was much older than me, she was almost the same age as her mother. We worked with her in the same department. This was about 20 years ago.

So, Inna herself started talking about my family life, and I was glad to tell her everything that hurt. Who else? I didn’t want to upset my mother, and then I knew that she would advise to endure. Girlfriends are unlikely to help, and even smash everywhere.

Here are a few tricks that Inna suggested to me for "debriefing". I'll put it on her behalf:

My friend's advice:

"Marina, the situation in your family is bad. We want to change it for the better. So? Well, what exactly needs to be changed? I listened to you, it turns out that in order for you to be happy, you need to change your husband. And I agree with you - the way he behaves is unacceptable.
But let's evaluate how realistic it is to change your husband? Everyone who could have any influence on him - you, his mother, your parents, has already tried to do this many times. Unsuccessfully.
Well, let me tell him that it’s impossible, let them print in the newspaper, in the magazine that this is very bad, do you think that this will somehow affect him? No! He has his own opinion on this matter, and he will always have like-minded people who adhere to the same opinion about women and family relations.

It is impossible to change a person if he himself does not want it or circumstances force him to change. Your husband clearly does not want to change and no circumstances are pushing him to this. It's you, dear, that you don't like this life. And he feels himself the master of the situation.
You want some of the bad qualities to disappear and the good ones to appear. But it will be a different person! Do you understand that you actually want to have a completely different person as your husband? And this one will not be different, do not wait. The situation has two ways of development - either you continue to suffer with him, or you will try to become happy without him.
Are you scared to even think about a divorce and have no idea how to live without a husband? What about a son without a father? And despite everything, do you still love him? Do you love him so much that you are ready to sacrifice your life? For this, your parents raised you, for this you studied, developed, in order to put your life under the feet of this insignificance?

Well, if you love him so much, then let's imagine such a situation - tomorrow he leaves you for another woman, beautiful, successful, wealthy, and joyfully tells you by phone that he is completely happy with her. Can you be happy for him, since you love him so much? Oh no?
Let's reverse the situation - tomorrow he will die in an accident. No, I'm not suggesting that you kill him! Yes, I understand that you do not wish him harm. But look how much better this situation is for you: you are no longer faced with the problem of a painful choice - to divorce or not to divorce. People around you will treat you with sympathy, and not with ridicule behind your back, "a man ran away from her to another." You can tell your son stories about how dad was a wonderful person, you should take an example from him, otherwise it’s better not to take an example from the present. Well, what thoughts arose about the sudden death of her husband? That's it, dear - you like the position of a widow in society much more than the position of a divorced or, even worse, abandoned woman. Of course, provided that you are in no way involved in the cause of his death.

Tell me, Marina, what is the average life expectancy of a person? Well, let's say 70 years. All these 70 years I want to live well, with dignity, happily. Is not it? But throughout his life a person changes, and the life around him also changes. What is good for a child is not good for an adult. Therefore, let's break life into "five-year plans" and present it in the form of a notebook or a book in which a page is allocated for each five-year plan. That is, in our book there are only 14 pages, there are so many of them, right?

So, page one. What made you happy when you were 3-5 years old? Mom took me out of kindergarten early to the envy of her friends, they gave me candy, you are proud that you know the letters, or something like that.
We turn to the second page - for happiness, something completely different is needed. Sweets are still pleasing, but I still want the teacher to praise, I want to learn something new - books, films, a zoo, trips. We will not dwell in detail, everyone has their own book of life and everyone writes it himself. You go to each new page with what you learned from the previous ones. And what was good for one age is completely unsuitable for another. Ice cream will make a five-year-old girl happy, but not a 40-year-old girl. Motherhood is happiness, but this happiness will be overshadowed in many ways if this happens at 16 or 50. Everything has its time.

Let's get back to your situation. You are almost 30 years old. How will you enter your new five-year plan, how will you start a new page in your life? With a feeling that life has failed, with an inferiority complex that your husband inspires you? So, what is next?
Life passes, you won't get another. You must, you must be happy! To whom should? You owe yourself! Son must! Parents should! So do not be afraid to live the way you want! Don't try to build a model for the rest of your life. Even if in the future you will build relationships with another man, but tell yourself that this is for life. Tell yourself - we will be together as long as we will be good together.

I tried to succinctly convey the main points in those life lessons that Inna taught me. Of course, it was not one conversation, but gradually I began to change.

A year later, I filed for divorce. My husband was amazed, looked at me in a new way, but I didn’t believe him, didn’t flatter myself and generally stopped whining, complaining, begging him for a kind word or affection.
My husband was surprised at my firmness in court, he still thought that I was just scaring him. By the way, at the trial, the female judge was completely on my side, clearly condemning my husband, about which my husband spoke for a long time in his own manner, "Well, of course, if the judge is also a woman ...".

Our most humane Soviet court in the world gave us 6 months to think it over, but I decided that this page of my life had been turned over. Instead of the usual persuasion and tears on my part, there was just a stone indifference. I stopped all sexual relations with my husband. Just said: “The court has not divorced us yet, but I no longer consider you my husband. And no court will force me to do what I don’t want! By the way, it was you who agreed in court that we were given 6 months to establish family life. I but at the court she said that I do not see such an opportunity and ask to divorce us immediately.If you are not satisfied that I do not fulfill my marital obligations, then go and file a complaint in court or somewhere else, and let them divorce us for this reason. not interested - for what reason, you are not my husband and I do not want to live with you!
All this was very difficult, especially since now my husband suddenly began to show attention, try to discuss our family life (which he had irritably dismissed before), frighten me with the prospect of living alone with a child. In order not to break loose, I did not allow myself to enter into a conversation. She simply answered briefly and coldly: "I've been telling you for many years, you haven't heard. I'm not going to repeat it. Thank you for the flowers. We'll live without you somehow!"
We got divorced after 6 months. The same woman judge sadly commented "You seem to have caused your wife a very severe mental injury!"

The first time after the divorce was very empty, but I understood that it was just a force of habit, just a change in the situation, I tried to occupy myself. Started repairs, bought a puppy for my son. The whirlwind of worries left no time for reflection. What have I not heard enough at the time! Many, and above all my mother, condemned me: "Everyone lives like this... One must have patience... For the sake of the child..."

And then... What makes me think that single women are unhappy?! I was just happy! I came home, met joy and happiness - my son was waiting for me, the dog happily jumped and tried to lick.
It was not easy financially, I became very economical. There was an incentive for earning money and promotion. A few years later I was in a good position and had a very good salary. A man has come into my life. But I did not want to hear about any marriage. First, he was married, and I did not want to destroy his family. Secondly, I did not want to overshadow the excellent relationship with my son. Thirdly, I liked being free. But the most important thing (Inna was right!) Some kind of complex was sitting inside, the fear of family life. And why do I need these family ties? Love, friendship, sex, joint trips to the theater, to friends - all this was in my life, since in a big city it is not so difficult to keep this a secret. By the way, the less I was concerned about marriage, the more there were those who wanted to offer me a hand and a heart.

Have I ever regretted that I divorced my husband then? Never! My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner! I am very hurt and ashamed for that page of my life, for that young, naive woman who was looking for love, respect, tenderness, and received rudeness and a consumer attitude in return.

Now I am almost 50 years old. On what, on whom did I spend then some of the best years of my life, to whom did I give my love? That difficult time changed my whole life, changed me myself. I realized that only I am responsible for the "book of my life." I go my own way in life. If someone is with me along the way - let's go together! Forever? Don't know. Exactly as much as we are good at. I met true friends and for many years we maintain excellent friendships. I was not afraid to change jobs if something did not suit me - and I have never regretted it. And I look to the future with confidence - my life depends only on me. I'm not afraid of change. There are, of course, situations that are beyond our control, but I know that I will do everything in my power, and I will not allow anyone to make me unhappy.

Be happy, dear women!

People stay in unhappy marriages for many reasons. If you are one of these people, you may feel that you will never be happy. However, you can find your own path to happiness, even in a bad situation, by practicing the habits that lead to happiness. In addition, you can work on your marriage to become happy together.

Steps

Learn to be happy

    Find something you can be grateful for. Being grateful isn't always easy, especially when you're in a bad relationship. However, gratitude is what will help you deal with a bad relationship and can lead you to feel happy.

    • Take time each day to celebrate what you are grateful for. Try to write down a few things in your journal every day that you are grateful for. Social media posts can also be used for this purpose. As a rule, even in a bad situation, you can find something for which you will be grateful.
    • For example, you may not like the way your partner treats you in your relationship, but you may be grateful for the financial stability in your life. On the other hand, you can be grateful that your partner is still a good parent to your children.

  1. Dive into the flow. The flow state is when you dive headlong into some experience, when you are completely absorbed in what you are doing. If you draw, write, or just run, you may already understand what kind of experience it is. This is the moment when the rest of the world ceases to exist and you just live or enjoy what you do. Research has shown that the more flow moments you have, the happier you are overall.

    • Choose an activity that is a little challenging for you, but still familiar enough that you can get completely lost in it. For example, if you enjoy painting landscapes, you might want to try something else, such as a portrait or a still life.

  2. Stop fighting over the same things. If you find yourself always arguing about the same thing, it might be time to put that topic aside. You need to decide that you will not discuss this issue because you cannot agree on it or find a compromise that works for both of you.

    • For example, if you tend to quarrel over political issues, it might be worth putting politics on your list of banned topics. And if you often quarrel about which movie you'll watch on Friday night, then it might be worth agreeing to choose a movie in turn.

  3. Develop your own interests. If your marriage is not the way you would like it to be, it may be time to try to find fulfillment outside of marriage, and this is not about romance on the side. Having your own hobbies and interests will help you stay independent, feel happy and interact with the world. In fact, developing your own interests is beneficial, even if you have a wonderful marriage.

    • Try researching your interests at the library, joining a local hobby club, taking a cooking class, or signing up for some classes at a local community center.

  4. Try volunteering. A sense of purpose and good social connections with other people is another great way to feel happy. Because volunteering gives you a sense of purpose in life and connects with like-minded people, it can help you feel happier.

    • Try to find an organization you would like to contribute to. You can, for example, apply to volunteer at an animal shelter or food bank. You can even ask your partner if he would like to volunteer with you, this can be a good activity to strengthen the relationship between you.

  5. Develop your social life. Many studies show that relationships are the key to happiness. If you are unhappy in your main relationship, you may just not see how to change your situation. But your spouse should not be your main source of communication. You may have deep relationships with friends as well as other members of your family.

    • Try to go out with friends for dinner once a week or go shopping with your sibling.
    • If you don't have many friends, then try to date people who share your interests. For example, you can join a bowling league, take art classes, or find a knitting class.

  6. Remember what you valued. When you first started dating, you were probably partly attracted to your differences with your partner. For example, maybe you were captivated by the fact that he was impulsive and liked spontaneity. And now, perhaps you hate this trait of a partner. Try to remember why you liked that quality in the beginning and love it again.

    • For example, you can just go crazy when your spouse wants to drop everything and go to the mountains. On the other hand, it keeps your life from getting too boring. Try to find a balance and enjoy what you can.

  7. Talk about strengths and challenges. You need to recognize what is going well in your relationship and what has turned into a problem. You can even make a list of strengths and challenges together. Be sure to include in the list those issues that you do not talk about because of fear that in the end everything will turn into a quarrel.

    Find solutions. Once you've identified the problems in your marriage together, you should try to come up with some solutions. You can use your strengths to work out solutions to problems in your relationship.

    Consider contacting a family psychologist. Sometimes you may need the help of a professional to resolve marital problems. A family psychologist will help you solve more problems than you expect. In fact, about half of the people who have used a counselor report that the counselor has helped them deal with all the major problems in their marriage.

    Try to live separately. Separation allows you to spend time away from your partner. Perhaps this is what you need to solve problems. It's not a divorce, because you stay married. The benefit of separation is that it gives you a legal way to decide child custody and maintenance issues when you are living apart, as well as how your property should be divided. However, if you find a solution to your problems, you can return to a normal marriage.