Deep affection. Attachment to a person. How to get rid, or how to understand what you love

It is generally accepted that the person who is strongly attached to a partner demonstrates his love and sincere feelings. But often there are situations when he sees in the chosen one a source of satisfaction own desires and needs. A person experiences material and spiritual dependence and therefore feels uncomfortable without his soul mate. The reasons for attachment in men and women can be different:

• A girl can become very attached to her young man only because she feels protected with him, is grateful for his care and is just used to shifting her problems onto his shoulders. Therefore, when a guy decides to break off relations, a woman experiences this situation very painfully and does not want to come to terms with changes in her life.
• Men also have ulterior motives for expressing such feelings. They are comfortable when they do not need to take care of cooking, cleaning the apartment and other household trifles. In this case, the concept of “love” is replaced by the concept of “comfort”.

And even if the feeling of attachment in no way affects the material sphere, but is really a pure manifestation of love for a partner, it should be controlled. Otherwise, you can completely dissolve in your soul mate and lose your own "I". It is especially difficult to deal with this feeling when the relationship ends and there is no prospect of resuming it ahead.

Hello. I am 25 years old. My problem is this: I get very attached to some people. Of course, I am not a psychologist and I may be misdiagnosing myself, but in the end I have only mental anguish ... I get to know a person, I begin to communicate. It seems that at first I don’t feel any feelings, I perceive it as an ordinary acquaintance, and after some time something happens, and it seems to wedge me: I want to communicate with this person more and more, I start constantly thinking about him, and thoughts are limitations or The endings of communication generally terrify me. Most often this happens with females. It seems not a lesbian, or rather, I know for sure that I don’t want to be one. Men interest me more in terms of intimacy, although I have absolutely no experience in this area. (I haven’t had a serious relationship yet, but that’s a completely different topic :)) I perfectly understand that even the most friendly relations between people do not oblige one to the other and vice versa, but this understanding does not help me calm my raging emotions. Let's say I constantly go to smoke with this person, then once and I see that she went to smoke without me. Again, I am well aware that this is normal, but nevertheless, the thought “yeah, she didn’t call me, so she doesn’t want to smoke with me, so she somehow doesn’t treat me like that anymore” haunts and is accompanied by appropriate negative feelings. And these feelings are stronger and more clearly felt than a sound mind, which constantly leads to a bad and depressive mood. I no longer understand WHAT is happening to me and already with all my heart I want to somehow normalize this area of ​​my life. I understand that no psychologist can draw a complete picture in a few lines, but tell me at least in general terms: in what place of my head do I need to dig in order to somehow try to solve this problem.
Thank you all in advance!

Hello Julia! let's see what's going on:

I want to communicate with this person more and more, I begin to constantly think about him, and the thoughts of limiting or ending communication generally terrify me.

those. You are creating a kind of co-dependent relationship - perhaps that is where you are trying to find yourself! self-acceptance - which is probably just NOT received! it is also a question of self-acceptance - you can look for yourself just outside - and thereby build an idea of ​​yourself! and that is why you react so sharply to the restriction in communication - because you feel that the ties that you create for yourself are broken! and you feel a vacuum inside that you can't fill!

one and aspects - most likely secondary - is the acceptance of oneself!

Most often this happens with females.

the answer must be sought in the sphere of relations with your mother - since her image is the first one that participates in the development of a sense of security, trust, and is also directly involved in self-acceptance !!! And here it is worth understanding exactly these relationships!

and also shift the focus from the outside to the inside!!! not to create co-dependent relationships, but to become that very support for yourself!

the thought “yeah, she didn’t call me, that means she doesn’t want to smoke with me, that means she doesn’t treat me like that anymore” haunts and is accompanied by corresponding negative feelings.

and you are already thinking about this and winding yourself up with such a style of thinking - you read thoughts! and proceeding from the construction of his false vision of the world, that crooked path of feelings continues to be laid! because in fact you do not know how people treat you! and you will never be able to control the feelings of a person by any of your actions! so the way out is to find yourself! learn to separate the external and internal, develop a new adaptive style that will help you build full-fledged relationships, on an equal footing!

Julia, if you really decide to figure out what is happening - you can feel free to contact me - call - I will only be happy to help you!

Julia! You have a tendency to become attached to a person. He seems close to you, almost a part of you. This is your trait, which probably has roots in early childhood.

When a person behaves differently than you expect, you experience a feeling of rejection. It seems to you that you were rejected for some unknown reason and this causes severe pain. Probably, this is also connected with some events in childhood. However, these events cannot be changed. Therefore, just be aware of this peculiarity of yours and try to overcome this feeling of rejection. Just tell him when it comes up, "And this is my reaction..." and then try to maintain the relationship, talk, find out what's wrong. When there is no this lump in the throat, resentment, then this is quite possible. Just by talking, you will find out this awkwardness. We must also not forget that it is impossible to please all people. Sometimes we make mistakes and wait for more intimacy from those who do not want to give it to us. Sometimes we don't like those who like us. It happens that way too. And it's not a tragedy. This may cause regret, but not pain.

Julia! No need to dig in your head! It hurts!

You are on the right track by writing to a psychological site. When a person's already does not understand(head!) WHAT is happening to me and already I want with all my heart"- this indicates that the time has come (is there a motivation?) to work with the soul (psychology does this).

I would ask about early childhood, about the relationship with my mother, then about the relationship with my dad. About how the relationship between parents developed (and develops)? What are female destinies in genus?

We happen to say phrases like “I am so attached to this person,” implying sympathy and sincere affection. But sometimes people confuse attachment with more serious feelings, and this can lead to undesirable consequences. For example, do you know how love differs from attachment to a person?

Attachment types

The feeling of affection is experienced by every person, starting from early childhood. At first, this manifests itself at the level of instincts - attachment to the mother, to some things (clothes, toys). Then some attachments replace others, but the feeling itself accompanies us all our lives.

There are several types of attachments, experts distinguish 3 (some authors 4) varieties. But for ease of understanding, we will use the division of everything into 2 types of attachments: safe and painful.

Safe, that is, normal, can underlie friendship or love. In this case, a person does not experience serious unrest when parting with the object of affection. There may be a feeling of slight sadness and sadness, but not hysteria or depression.

But painful emotional attachment will cause just such feelings. It can be directed both to a person (attachment to a guy) and to objects (attachment to things). They say that the latter is not as strong as love attachment, but there are cases when a person cannot part with things dear to his heart. And all the persuasions of relatives cause only aggression, because a person cannot imagine life without this particular thing. But object attachment isn't as dangerous because it's easier to spot. A person who litters his apartment with things that he is not going to use in the near future (someday I will make shelves from these boards, and old newspapers will come in handy if I am going to make repairs), then there is a phenomenon of attachment. The situation is different in interpersonal relationships, to understand affection or love own a person is very difficult. And it is simply necessary to distinguish between these two concepts, because love opens the way to happiness, and strong attachment (sick, selfish) makes unhappy.

How to distinguish love from affection?

As mentioned above, heartfelt attachment can be the basis of love, and it is normal, bad, when this feeling replaces love. Attachment cannot be the basis of a long-term relationship, perhaps they will be. brighter and leave a serious mark on your soul, but as soon as the attachment disappears, it turns out that the person on the other side of the bed is a complete stranger to you.

How to distinguish love from attachment to a person?

You need to evaluate your relationship, the following questions will help you.

How to get rid of attachment?

First, find out what exactly owns you - love or affection. By realizing your dependence on a person, you will take the first step towards recovery. And then you will need to look again and again at everything that this person brought into your life - pain and resentment, disappointment and fear. Are you not a masochist to stay with someone who only brings you bad things? It may not be possible to get rid of the attachment right away, so take small steps. After a while, you will not even remember that you were so dependent.

Has it ever happened to you: you met a person and felt such an instant and amazing force of attraction that you immediately decided that he was your only one?

You are so close and feel so comfortable that you think you have finally found your soul mate.

But is it? Has love come? Or is it an elementary attachment to a person? Do you love him or are you in dire need of him? And what, you ask, is the difference?

Waiting for happiness

We often absorb the feelings and moods of other people, we get used to their way of life, their beliefs. Attachment is deep emotional connection with another person.

The propensity to form such bonds is a universal trait human life. And the possibility of losing a partner can cause fear, despair, uncertainty, become destructive.

If an irresistible connection with a narcissist arises, it is difficult for you to separate yourself from him, you have become his prey. But you don't realize it until it's too late. Instead, you think you've fallen in love.

For example, moving to new town, new job, discomfort in the new environment. Big changes in life are always stressful. And at this time you become vulnerable.

But here comes the meeting. He is friendly, cheerful, willing to help. He shows you a safe place to have your car repaired, he invites you to a bar for coffee after work. He even helps you arrange the furniture in your new apartment.

He offers the help and companionship you want and need. He also makes you laugh and tells you how good you are, how he has been waiting for you all his life. You feel appreciated, it's flattering. You are relieved to find that you can rely on someone. You feel loved.

relationship begins

But soon everyone around is wondering what the two saw in each other. You have nothing in common.

However, there was an attachment. And you stay together, even if this person becomes more and more demanding, even when you no longer feel comfortable with him.

No matter what, you do not break up, because the thought of loss is terrifying. But you have to think, what is it, attachment or love? The only thing that really unites you is the need for someone, the need to feel that someone cares about you.

This is attachment. It is needed to raise self-esteem, to fill the void. He Like a port in a storm. But this is not enough for love. Love is not a need or a desperation.

Any port will come in handy during a storm. But you don't have to stay there. If he is not your man, you should not even drop anchor. No attachment, no suffering. Just don't give up, keep sailing.

Remember that you will manage on your own, you will weather this storm. And when it's over, you're bound to meet a man who also weathered his storm. You will be able to look at life with confidence and count on true love.

New sensations or nostalgia

We tried to explain what attachment to a person is, how it differs from love. In fact, these concepts are so close that it is not always possible to separate them.

Sometimes affection disguises itself as love. But it's just caring for someone and gratitude for the time spent together. If a physical element is added to the relationship, then these concepts become even more difficult to distinguish.

Often affection is considered love by those who have not yet experienced true love. Spending a lot of time together, getting used to each other, young people think that this is the same feeling ...

It is important to keep in mind that love has all the components of attachment, but not vice versa. It is much deeper than attachment, more stable and more intense.

Another feeling that makes it even more difficult to share love and affection is nostalgia. Sometimes you feel longing for the time you spent with someone and mistake it for love. You feel sentimental when you remember your relationship with your ex. It is not necessary to continue your relationship in the future if it ended for objective reasons.

When you evaluate your current relationship or think about continuing it in the future, you need to stop and consider what is happening. Are you in love or have affection?

Perhaps you just feel nostalgic for the past? There is no shame in any of these situations, but it is important to make a distinction between them. Love is measured by the measure of forgiveness, affection by the pain of farewell.

Or maybe still Love?

So, we see how close the concepts of attachment and love are. Romantic affection can flow into love, or it can become a burden and an obstacle to real feelings. Let's name some signs of true love.

1. You are unable to stop thinking about this person.
2. You can talk for hours, forgetting about the time.
3. You want to make each other happy.
4. It brings out the best in you.
5. You accept it as it is, with quirks, relatives and friends.

Keep a balance between love and passion. Do not rush to become attached to each other, let the relationship develop naturally. The more you are willing to bring love, honesty, passion, and romance into your relationship, the easier it will be to attract someone who shares the same qualities.

Is it possible to discern feelings?

There are many different methods, tests that help you understand yourself. Let's try to understand how to distinguish attachment from love. The test below will help you come to an opinion.

It is important to remember that time is your ally in resolving the issue of affection and love.

The YouTube ID of 7lbi2k23xCk&list is invalid.

Do not rush to run down the aisle or leave, let some time pass. And the problem will solve itself.

To understand that you are tied to a satellite, practical recommendations will help.

1. A girl who is dependent on a man (attached to him) constantly wants to be close to her partner. She is suffering obsessive thoughts where and with whom he is.
2. Eccentric natures are "led" to the appearance of a man. They are fascinated only by his inflated torso, white-toothed smile, dimples on his cheeks, and not by the spiritual component. This aspect characterizes affection, not love.
3. It is easy to distinguish the two feelings by observing the general state. If you notice that at first you begin to be interested in a man, and the next moment you practically forget about him - this is attachment.
4. Many girls who are in a relationship experience a lack of love and tenderness all the time. If you truly love, feelings literally begin to warm from the inside. Such couples can overcome everything.
5. To understand that you have become attached to a man, brief observations will help. If you have abandoned hobbies, work, and other stages of personal growth, feelings are not love. You plunged (attached) not to your own "I", but to the gentleman.
6. Attachment is also characterized by a sharp decrease in the number of people with whom close contacts were maintained yesterday. Often a girl cannot experience positive emotions in communication with friends and colleagues, because she is completely passionate about her betrothed.
7. As mentioned earlier, love helps to overcome all obstacles without developing depression. Attachment, in turn, causes excessively negative emotions during separation. Many girls experience tremendous stress when a partner is not around for 2-3 hours.
8. A sober look at behavior in a quarrel will help to distinguish affection from love. If you only want to quarrel, and not find a compromise, the relationship is doomed to failure. Balanced couples always have constructive dialogues.
9. If you and your boyfriend do not sit in cozy evenings with a bottle of wine, discussing plans for the future, we can assume that there is no love. Strong ties mean constant discussions and desires, common dreams.
10. Symbiotic attachment is characterized by a complete dissatisfaction with one's own needs, even the most elementary ones. At this time, the needs of the vampire partner are fully realized.

Important! It should be emphasized that the actions a la “I love you!”, Performed at the beginning of a relationship, are the norm. In this case, people are still getting used to each other, so attachment is not considered painful, dependent. The main difference is that a lover finds a place in his life for connection, while an attached partner replaces his own being with new relationships.

Attachment has a detrimental effect on the human essence. When a girl experiences violent feelings towards a man, she forgets about herself. This is where problems with personal growth (spiritual and material) begin, apathy and uncertainty appear.

Method number 1. Find a passion

1. Hobbies are the most powerful tool that allows you to a short time gain peace of mind. Go to nature, sit down and think about what you dreamed about long years? Have you wanted to go to the gym for a long time, but did not have enough money? Take the savings set aside for the next present to your partner, go in for sports.
2. Haven't been on vacation in over a year? Get together with your friends, go to Europe for a week. Set goals for yourself, don't stop there. Start attending a Spanish or English course, these languages ​​are the world's leading spoken and written languages.
3. An excellent option for distraction and complete concentration on yourself is the choice of an active hobby. This includes absolutely everything: snowboarding, skiing, skating, cycling, karting, climbing, swimming. If you consider yourself to be brave, jump with a parachute or a rope.
4. Live in your pleasure, take care of your own well-being, learn to invest in the future. Sign up for popular courses, it can be manicure and pedicure, cutting and sewing, photography and woodcarving courses.
5. At this stage, your main task is to think about yourself and fill the day to the maximum. If you get very tired, thoughts about a man will begin to fade into the background.
6. Gather with friends more often, visit cinemas, bowling, water park. Make it a habit to regularly go for walks, go out of town for barbecues, go on excursions.

Method number 2. Get a pet

1. As mentioned earlier, attachment is driven by the fear of being alone. The girl directs all her love, tenderness and care to the man, forgetting about her own needs. To avoid a disastrous outcome of events, get a pet.
2. The choice depends on individual preferences. A dog takes time, care and patience. A cat can be at home alone, she also needs affection and constant care. If we talk about parrots, they are cheerful, talkative and unpretentious.
3. A new companion will save you from loneliness, especially at first, which is what you want to achieve. It is important to direct feelings to those who need it. In this case, you will not lose yourself, gaining peace of mind.

Method number 3. Travel more

1. Ask your boss for a vacation. Spend it not with a young man, but with friends or colleagues. You can also go abroad in splendid isolation.
2. Consider beach resorts if you haven't swum in the sea for a long time. Lovers of sights and small streets are advised to purchase sightseeing tours.
3. You don’t need to invest all your money on vacation, just choose a last-minute ticket on the Internet, pack your suitcase 3 hours before departure and hit the road.
4. Many girls do not have a foreign passport. In this case, go on a mini-tour of the cities of your country. Visit distant relatives, visit friends in a nearby town.
5. Take a camera, take a lot of pictures, print them out when you arrive and decorate the walls. At this stage main task is the search for new experiences and inspiration.

Method number 4. Analyze thoughts

1. Take up meditation. Take a hot herbal bath, turn on soothing music, close your eyes and relax. Think about what exactly you want to receive from a partner? Many people cannot interpret their own thoughts, which is considered a serious omission.
2. If you are in harmony with the mind, the answer will not be long in coming. A girl attached to a man fills the spiritual emptiness with the current relationship. She is looking for any ways of dependence, sending herself into chains voluntarily.
3. Such an attitude towards a man does not characterize love. Try to fill in the gaps in the other available ways described above. Fight apathy, do not go on about uncertainty and boredom.
4. Many girls want to break up with a man, but cannot do it. In such situations, addiction requires the intervention of a qualified specialist.

Method number 5. take care of yourself

1. It's time to take care of your appearance. Go to the mirror, evaluate the figure, hairstyle, makeup, smile and posture. Are you satisfied with everything? Maybe you don’t like the lack of proper hair and nail care? Or do you not like the condition of the skin, extra folds at the waist? It's time to fix the situation!
2. Sign up for Gym or in sports school. Consider interesting sections (again, as a hobby). Latin American dances are considered effective directions, breathing exercises, stretching, martial arts, swimming pool, yoga.
3. Review your wardrobe. Throw in the trash or give friends those things that do not sit well. Get rid of old shoes, bags, cosmetics. Choose a beautiful outfit, sexy lingerie, high heels. Such small purchases will inspire you and make you feel like a woman.
4. Pay attention to the perfume you use. It should not be repulsive and harsh. Give preference to light, barely perceptible aromas. Tidy up your hair, recolor your hair, change the image.
5. It is important to understand that investing in your appearance will remind you of the old days when you lived only for yourself. You should always have a bit of selfishness so as not to infringe on your own interests. Make the most of your time by shopping every month.

It is quite difficult to get rid of attachment to a person if it is caused by a number of psychological aspects. To begin with, analyze your own thoughts, learn to say goodbye to people. Invest in your spiritual component, watch your appearance. Develop financially, get a pet, travel more.

Video: how to overcome attachment to another person