How to get out of a conflict situation to your advantage?

There is no person who always develops friendly relations with everyone. Not everyone shares our point of view. So sometimes you have to go to the conflict. How else can you prove your point? How to exit conflict situation so that everyone is more or less comfortable?

Still not without conflicts. Therefore, you need to learn how to properly relate to the conflict, so as not to worry about it for days, or even months on end. What is conflict? Conflict is the expression of disagreements on a certain topic in an emotional form.

Of course, it is better not to enter into a conflict and smooth out sharp corners in advance, without going to extremes. But, if it really happened, you need to find a way to get out with dignity.

It all depends on how strong passions flared up when clarifying some issue. Sometimes, to smooth out the conflict, you can apologize, but it happens that this is not enough at all.

How to resolve the conflict? Let's consider several ways.

1. Evasion. This method is for people who hate conflicts, and it is extremely difficult for them to prove their point of view and there is no desire. Therefore, they seek to avoid conflict in every way.

2. Coercion. You can force the interlocutor to accept your position through pressure on him, using power and force.

3. Fixture. When a person, due to some circumstances, concedes to an opponent with an apology. This method is acceptable for a boss-subordinate situation.

4. Cooperation. This is the most loyal way out of a conflict situation, when both parties to the dispute are looking for solutions together.

5. Confrontation. This method focuses a person on achieving their goals, not taking into account the interests of another. But it does not use any coercion. You are you and period. This method does not resolve anything, but allows you to determine your interests, in short, prioritizes.

Knowing such ways, it is easier for a person to get out of a conflict situation. In any case, to resolve the conflict, you need to understand its causes. If you find the reason, you will also find a way to resolve the conflict, and, preferably, do it faster. Your goal in a conflict situation is to solve your problem for your benefit. Shouting won't do it. Be diplomatic, although, to be honest, this is not always the case. Resolve the conflict peacefully - and you are guaranteed.

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"No winner believes in chance" ©F. Nietzsche

Conflictology has found that it is most effective to resolve the conflict at the stage of the emergence and development of the conflict. This possibility is 92%.

At the phase of rise or development of the conflict, the possibility of resolving the conflict is already less than 46%. And finally, at the peak of the conflict, it will be practically impossible to resolve it. And this probability is only 5%. And this means that a conflict situation should be resolved at its very beginning.

To get out of the conflict as a winner, you must adhere to the following rules

10 ways to emerge victorious from conflict

If you want to get out of the conflict as a winner, then do not start your speech to your opponent with the words “I have long wanted to tell you ...” Such a statement causes tension and excitement, which is not entirely favorable for starting a dialogue.
To adequately get out of the conflict, exclude such words as “Always” and “Never.” These words generalize the situation and relationships in general. Your conflict situation is a specific case that you should discuss with your opponent. Past failures are not remembered if you want to come to a compromise and thus emerge victorious from the conflict.

3. Never compare your opponent's behavior with other people. Phrases such as: “Vasya would not have done this…” are humiliating. This rule is true both in order to adequately get out of the conflict, and also in relation to not getting into conflicts.

4. To get out of the conflict as a winner, do not attribute to your interlocutor what he did not say. This is important when you want to emerge from the conflict as a winner and look worthy in the eyes of your opponent. Control yourself and your words, especially when you are angry. This is a very difficult task, but if you try, you will be able to take care of yourself.

5. Don't focus on the opponent's personality. To adequately get out of the conflict, it is better to activate your attention on the problems and options for solving it. If your goal is really to resolve the conflict situation, and not revenge on your opponent, or taking out insults, etc., then, emotions aside, and start thinking rationally in order to emerge from the conflict as a winner.

6. Do not talk only about your problems and do not express complaints. First of all, give your partner the opportunity to speak, and you listen carefully. Then you will have more information and you can build your arguments. This is a competent strategy that will allow you to emerge victorious from the conflict.

7. Do not rush to draw conclusions, especially for a partner. Maintain a psychological pause, it can remove emotional stress. And thus resolve the situation quickly and constructively.

8. Strive to sincerely understand the interlocutor. Your opponent will feel this, and perhaps make some concessions. At least you don't lose anything.

9. Admit your mistakes - this is important rule to get out of conflict with dignity. If you are wrong about something, and you noticed it, then it is better to admit your mistake quickly and decisively. So you are warning of possible critical statements from your partner will be able to emerge from the conflict as a winner.

10. Create a positive atmosphere with your opponent!! To do this, look at the conflict from the other side. It is possible that the conflict opens up completely different possibilities and perspectives for you. As they say, "there would be no happiness, but misfortune helped."

Remember that there are no hopeless situations. Take action to get out of the conflict and do not avoid conflicts, try to resolve them.

It is interesting! Method "I statements"

This is a universal way to resolve any conflict - the "I - statements" method contributes to the prevention of conflict and helps to effectively get out of the conflict.

The "I - statements" method consists in expressing our attitude to any situation. The algorithm of your statements in resolving the conflict is as follows:

Event “When…”
My reaction is "I feel..."
Preferred outcome - "I would like to ..."
For example, “When they shout at me, I feel angry, everything falls out of my hands, and I want to leave the room ...”

Strive to achieve harmony in your relationships with people. Peace and goodness to you!

In the first part: "" it was said that as a result of which conflicts most often arise. In this part, Nina Rubshtein and Oksana Teske consider successful ways out of the conflict situation, which is generated by someone else's criticism. So, how to get out of a conflict situation quickly and with dignity:

It is important to remember that the most popular way to stir up conflict is through mutual criticism. Many people think that criticism is a very useful thing. However, not all criticism is useful. 99% of the criticism we hear and give out on a daily basis is derogatory criticism. It brings great harm not only to relationships, but also to people's health. Criticism causes a stressful state, prolonged experience of which leads to psychosomatics: psoriasis, ulcers, asthma, hypertension, gynecological and other diseases. It hurts human feelings and is as painful as physical insults. It destroys the dignity of the individual and can lead to suicide.

The atmosphere of constant criticism leads to emotional trauma, deprives self-esteem and gives rise to the idea of inferiority, and this is transferred to all areas of life of any person. A rude word is insulting, ridicule is humiliating. If teachings and criticism come from people who have power over you, you become helpless, unable to make decisions. Verbal and emotional punishment leads to a decrease in self-esteem, the emergence of feelings of anxiety, and may prevent the development of a sense of respect for other people as a child or teenager. So is an adult.

Therefore, let's figure out what kind of criticism there is and how to distinguish useful from unhelpful. There are three types of criticism:

Completely unfair;
Partially fair;
Fair criticism.

TO totally unfair criticism includes insults. As a rule, the offending person is under the influence of emotions. Therefore, it is necessary to calm him down, try to make sure that the person can move away from emotions and begin to reason sensibly. It is necessary to calmly and kindly ask the criticizing a few questions so that he moves from insults to specific comments.

Clarifying questions: "What exactly do you mean?", "What do you want to say by this?". Very often it is difficult for a critic to stop and formulate a specific remark. He can answer your question with the following phrase: "You yourself know perfectly well what I'm talking about." In that case, continue to patiently ask the following questions.

Factual Questions: “Please name the facts”, “Give examples”, “What, where, when?”. If you don’t get a specific wording of the remark for these questions either, but hear something like the following: “There are a lot of facts”, “Examples are more than enough”, then go to next type questions.

Alternative questions: "You don't like this, this and this?". That is, you help the critic formulate specific comments. In this case, most likely, he will already be able to correctly point out your specific words or deed that caused him displeasure. For example: "You were 5 minutes late today" or "Yesterday you called a visitor deaf." If you hear specific and fair remarks, then acknowledge them and ask the last type of questions.

Devastating questions: “You don't like how I write reports, how I talk on the phone and how I dress? What else do you dislike? That is, list all the comments and ask if there are any more. These questions are necessary in order for the critic to immediately lay out everything that is dissatisfied. And I didn't bother you anymore. If he adds the remark: “I also don’t like that you are late,” then readily take note of this.

This way of reacting is the most difficult, but the criticism was formulated in the most unfair form. Perhaps your leading questions, asked in a calm and friendly tone, will surprise and even annoy the critic. That's the way it should be. This means that he felt your superiority in this situation. He is used to pathetic excuses, counterattacks, or submissive silence, while you calmly try to figure it out, taking into account specific and fair remarks. From now on, he will criticize you specifically or in general, at the moment of irritation, bypass you - “sharpen his claws” about someone else.

Now let's talk about partially fair criticism - in this way they most often criticize your habits, manner of dressing, character or express their opinion (they have every right!).

For example: “You are always late (arguing, talking nonsense, etc.)!”, or “Do you like to play tricks on others (sleep, gossip, etc.)!” , write, etc.)!”. It is obvious that the critic points out a certain defect in you, but still generalizes the area of criticism too much. It is impossible to fully accept such a remark, but there is a fair part in it. And all that is fair must be acknowledged.

There are three ways to deal with partially justified criticism:

First way. Accept only the fair part of the criticism, and ignore the rest. Be sure to start your answer with "yes". Whenever you acknowledge something, you must first say it. Magic word to calm the interlocutor, win him over and demonstrate his readiness for mutual understanding. For example, you were told: "You are always late." A worthy answer: “Yes, today I was late.”

Second way apply when you disagree even with part of the criticism. For example, you are told: "You have bad manners" or "You are poorly dressed." And you think that this is not true. But the critic has the right to think so. Recognize this is his right, start again with "yes": "Yes, not everyone likes my manners."

Third way a worthy response to partially fair criticism - the translation of criticism into dignity. This - " aerobatics in the art of communication. For example, you hear in your address: "You love to chat." Start your answer again with "yes": "Yes, it's nice to talk to smart people."

The third type of criticism is completely fair. This is specific criticism. You are pointed out to your words or deed, emphasizing. That you said or did something that violated the agreement.

For example, they say to you: “We agreed that you would come at five, but you came at six”, or “You promised to cook borscht and didn’t cook it”, or “You didn’t iron this shirt completely”, or “You yelled at me” . Immediately recognize the validity of criticism, start again with "yes": "Yes, you are right" or: "Yes, it is, but I regret it." Many say at the same time: "Excuse me." We do not advise you to apologize often, if there is no special need for it. The apologetic person looks insecure. “I’m sorry” or “I’m sorry about that” answers are enough to smooth out the impression of the actions taken.

In any case, the ability to negotiate not only during or after the conflict, but also much earlier is very important for conflict resolution. As soon as you make contact, whether it's a work relationship, friendship, or starting a family, it's important to build the milestones of your relationship right away. And play by the rules!

Check out other booksGestalt therapist, coach, MIGIP trainer Nina Rubshtein can be found on the website rubstein.ru

In any human relationship, there are disagreements from time to time. And at work, and in the family, and in relationships between lovers, conflict situations occur. Many people experience them quite painfully. And absolutely in vain. You need to learn how to properly relate to such situations and know how to competently resolve the conflict.

Psychologists advise to treat positively - as an opportunity to clarify and even modify relationships.

Learning to resolve conflicts

In the event of a conflict, it is imperative to let the partner let off steam: try to listen to all his claims calmly and patiently, without interrupting or commenting. In this case, the internal tension will decrease both for you and for your opponent.

After the emotions are splashed out, you can offer to substantiate the claims. At the same time, it is necessary to monitor the situation in order to opposite side the conflict again did not move from a constructive discussion of problems to an emotional one. If this happens, you need to tactfully guide the debater to intellectual conclusions.

put out negative emotions partner, you can give him a sincere compliment or remind him of something good and pleasant from a common past.

Respect for the opponent is a prerequisite for how to resolve the conflict correctly. It will impress even an extremely angry person. If, in such a situation, the partner is offended, personalized, it will definitely not be possible to resolve the conflict.

What to do if the opponent could not restrain himself and switched to shouting? Do not break into reciprocal abuse!

If you feel guilty about the conflict yourself, do not be afraid to apologize. Remember that only smart people can do this.

Some methods of behavior in a conflict situation

There are several proven tricks on how to resolve conflict.

Reception number 1. Try to imagine yourself as a commentator watching an argument. Look at the conflict as if from the outside, and above all - at yourself.

Mentally fence yourself off with an impenetrable cap or body armor - you will immediately feel that the barbs and unpleasant words of your opponent seem to break against the barrier you have set up, and no longer hurt so sharply.

Seeing from the position of a commentator what qualities you lack in a conflict, endow yourself with them in your imagination and continue the argument as if you have them.

If you do this regularly, the missing qualities will really appear.

Reception number 2. How to resolve the conflict between the disputants? This very simple technique often helps not only to relieve tension, but to avoid confrontation altogether. You just need to move away or move away from the enemy. The closer the conflicting parties are physically, the stronger the intensity of passions.

Reception number 3. Surprise your opponent at the moment of conflict with a non-standard phrase or joke. It's simple wonderful way how to resolve the conflict. It’s hard to argue with a person who is set to joke!

Reception number 4. If it is absolutely clear that the interlocutor deliberately provokes a conflict, offends and simply does not give a chance to answer, in such a situation it is better to leave, saying that you do not want to continue the conversation in this tone. It's better to move it to tomorrow.

Taking time out will you calm down, get a breather to find Right words. And the person who provoked the quarrel will lose his confidence during this time.

What Not to Do in a Conflict

Good self-control is the key to success

You need to learn how to restrain emotions and In a conflict with partners or clients, it is strictly prohibited:

irritable tone and swearing;
a clear demonstration of one's own superiority;
criticism of the opponent;
searching for negative intentions in his actions;
disclaiming responsibility, blaming the partner for everything;
ignoring the interests of the opponent;
exaggeration of one's role in the common cause;
pressure on pain points.

The best way to get out of a conflict is not to bring it up

Psychologists advise treating conflict as a positive factor. If at the very beginning of building relationships, noticing conflict points, not hushing them up, you can stop serious quarrels in the bud.

You need to try to "put out the fire" before it flares up. So The best way how to resolve the conflict - do not bring it to it. After all, in life there are already many difficulties, and nerve cells still useful.

Often the cause of confrontation is the accumulation of unspoken negativity. A person is annoyed by something in the behavior of a colleague or simply infuriated by some habit of a loved one, but he does not know how to say this so as not to spoil the relationship. Therefore, he is patient and silent. The effect is just the opposite. The accumulated irritation sooner or later spills out in an uncontrolled form, which can lead to a serious conflict. Therefore, it is very important not to bring it to a “boiling point”, but to calmly and tactfully express your claims as soon as they arise.

When Not to Avoid Conflict

But there are times when it is not worth it, because it is she who will help solve the problem. You can consciously go into conflict if:

you need to defuse the situation by finding out what is sore with a loved one;
there is a need to break off relations;
to yield to an opponent means for you to betray your ideals.

But we must remember that deliberately going into conflict, it is necessary to sort things out intelligently.

How to Resolve Conflict Properly

To get out of the conflict situation as quickly as possible and with the least losses, we offer the following sequence of actions.

1. First of all, the existence of conflict must be recognized. We must not allow a situation where people feel opposition and act according to their chosen tactics, but do not openly talk about it. It will not be possible to resolve such a conflict without a joint discussion of the parties.

2. Having recognized the conflict, it is necessary to agree on negotiations. They can be either face to face or with the participation of an intermediary who suits both parties.

3. Determine what exactly constitutes the subject of confrontation. As practice shows, the parties to the conflict often see the essence of the problem differently. Therefore, it is necessary to find common ground in understanding the dispute. Already at this stage, it is important to determine whether convergence of positions is possible.

4. Develop several options for solutions, taking into account all possible consequences.

5. After considering all options, settle on one that suits both parties. Record the decision in writing.

6. Implement the solution. If this is not done immediately, the conflict will only deepen, and it will be much more difficult to re-negotiate.

We hope that our advice will help you, if not avoid conflicts, then get out of them with dignity.

The rapid pace of our lives and the general nervousness associated with it contribute to the fact that the most harmless conflict situation is inflated to enormous proportions. Sometimes it seems that we are surrounded by people who specifically cause irritation. Conflict situations can arise anywhere: in transport, in the family, in a store, at work. And there can be many reasons for this: dissatisfaction with something, Bad mood, criticism in your address and so on. If nothing is done to get out of the conflict situation, this can threaten a nervous breakdown. What to do in this case? Let's try to figure it out.

Emotions under control.

To avoid conflict situations, it is not at all necessary to avoid meeting people, and it is unlikely to succeed. Attempts to self-hypnosis that all this does not touch you also only drive emotions inside, threatening serious illnesses. Also, don't blame others for your troubles. by the most in an efficient way without loss to get out of conflicts will be the ability to tell people about what you are unhappy with, but at the same time not lose your temper. This is quite difficult if you are overwhelmed by something, or are extremely irritated, or feel guilty. First of all, you need to evaluate your feelings that have prevailed over you. Difficult, but possible. It is very important to prevent situations when they completely get out of control and to overcome them as soon as they arise. Otherwise, it will not be possible to get out of the conflict without losses.

How to get out of a conflict situation.

1. Give your opponent a chance and time to blow off steam. While he is in an aggressive state, when irritation boils in him, and he is overwhelmed with negative emotions, it is difficult to conduct a constructive dialogue. It is impossible to come to a common denominator. Your task is to help him quickly relieve internal stress. When an opponent is in such a borderline state, in order to get out of the conflict, you should first remember that you must remain calm, at least outwardly, be confident, but here it is important not to “go too far” so that your confidence does not look like arrogance. There is good way, which psychologists advise - to imagine that you are in a kind of spherical shell, through which the negative emotions of the interlocutor do not penetrate. If you have a developed imagination, then this will definitely work. In addition to the auto-training method, it is important to try not to accumulate a state of resentment in yourself, otherwise nothing will work. Tune in to your opponent’s wave, try to look at the situation through his eyes, so it will be easier for you to understand what exactly “undermined” him so much. To get out of the conflict, carefully observe the interlocutor, note for yourself the expression of his face, facial expressions, gestures, try it on yourself and imagine what you would do in a similar situation.
2. Let the opponent speak. When he says everything that has boiled over, the aggressive charge will come to naught and it will be easier to agree. Naturally, in order to get out of a conflict situation, you must listen to the person carefully, and not just pretend to listen.
3. The element of surprise is an effective remedy against aggression. A person who is in a state of irritation as a result of a conflict with you expects you to answer him in the same spirit, that is, you will begin to scream, get annoyed, or, conversely, get scared and admit that you are wrong. Surprise him by behaving differently than he would like. Try to return to the opponent his own offensive statement, but giving it a polite form, without losing self-control. Sometimes this helps to get out of the conflict right away, as your interlocutor will feel that you are interested in him, and you will find out what made him so angry. There are other methods of unexpected reaction to aggression: 1) You can ask for advice from someone who craves conflict; 2) move the topic to something that is not related to the conflict, but is interesting for him; 3) remind you of pleasant moments in your common past; 4) give a disarming compliment, such as "when you are angry, you are so beautiful"; 5) show empathy in connection with the conflict situation. This will help your opponent switch from negative to positive emotions.
4. Try to convey to your opponent your impression of his words, about the state you are in because of them. This should be done directly and sincerely, but do not comment on his personality, but only talk about your feelings. To give a specific example, it looks something like this: instead of “You are an ill-mannered person”, say “I am very unpleasant to hear this from you.” Or instead of "You are lying to me" - "I am offended when they deceive me."
5. Let your opponent keep his dignity. In a conflict situation, one should not give free rein to one's emotions and respond aggressively to counter aggression. If you also become personal, then your interlocutor will never forgive this, even if the conflict is settled and he will give in to you. On the contrary, try to convey to him that you treat him with respect, that his opinion is important to you. But you can directly express your attitude to his actions and, in particular, to the one who created the conflict situation. For example, you can say "You promised several times but didn't deliver" instead of calling him an optional person.
6. Only arguments and facts, no emotional digressions. Both people who find themselves in a conflict situation must substantiate their point of view. Tell your opponent right away that you will take into account only facts and evidence. Block any manifestation of emotions with the question: “Are these your guesses or facts?”.
7. Try to stay in the position "on an equal footing." Most often, in conflicts, people behave in two ways: they shout back or remain silent, fearing the wrath of the opponent. Both schemes are ineffective. It will be more correct to stay confident and calm, this will help both opponents to stay within the bounds of decency and avoid aggression.
8. Do not be shy to ask for forgiveness if you know that you are wrong. You must be able to admit your mistake in time, and offer your opponent solutions to get out of the conflict situation. Firstly, such a step is always disarming, and, secondly, it causes the respect of the enemy. To apologize and admit that you were wrong is only possible for accomplished, self-confident people.
9. A good joke will also help to get out of the conflict, to extinguish an attack of aggression. Just do not confuse good humor and irony.
10. Try to find common ground with your opponent, emphasize your closeness. And the fact that you would like to get out of the conflict situation.
11. Ask the opponent to tell how he sees the end result and what is preventing it from being achieved, that is, the problem. A problem is a task that needs to be solved, and relationships are the conditions in which it is to be solved. If you have a negative attitude towards a person, it can discourage any desire to do something. To get out of a conflict situation, you need to define a task together and focus on solving it.
12. Try to explain to your opponent your point of view on the conflict and how you see the way out of it. Just do not look for the guilty and "chew" the situation, just look for a way out. There can be many exit solutions and you have to choose the best one. But this option should suit both conflicting parties. There should be no losers and winners here. If it is impossible to come to a common opinion, you can rely on an objective measure (laws, regulations, instructions, and so on).
13. Mirror his claims, even if everything is clear to you, clarify “Did I understand you correctly”, “Let me repeat what you said to make sure that I understood you correctly”, etc. This is a very useful practice for getting out of conflict situation, it helps to avoid misunderstandings and shows that you are an attentive interlocutor, which reduces the opponent's aggression.
14. Do not try to prove anything to anyone. In conflict situations, this is a useless exercise. Emotions completely block the mind. And if a person is lost in this moment ability to think, your evidence will not convince him.
15. Shut up first. This helps a lot if you, against your will, have already been drawn into a conflict. It is not necessary in anger to demand that the opponent be silent, it is better to force yourself to be silent. Your silence will serve as a way out of the conflict situation. Indeed, at least two are involved in a quarrel, and if one is silent, then there is no quarrel. Silence is different from silence. It may contain a challenge or a mockery, then it will be for the enemy, like a red rag for a bull. You should be silent as if you do not notice the aggressiveness of the interlocutor and do not see the conflict situation.
16. Don't slam the door. By leaving the room calmly, you can end the conflict. But if you throw insulting words at your opponent and slam the door before you leave, this can give an impetus to destructive power. Up to tragic situations.
17. Continue the conversation after the opponent's fuse has passed. He may take your silence or departure for surrender, however, you should not dissuade him. You have to pause until his ardor cools down. But, refusing to prolong the conflict situation, you should not offend or insult the interlocutor by your behavior. After all, the one who can extinguish the quarrel in the bud looks much more profitable, and not the one who reserves the last aggressive attack.
18. And the last rule. It doesn’t matter how the conflict situation ended, whether or not there are contradictions, try to maintain your relationship. If you succeed, and even at the same time your opponent did not drop his own dignity through your fault, then in the future all this will be resolved, and the relationship will become good again.