A person who doesn't like to lose. Psychology. Negative when asked, "How are you?"

Oddly enough, but the question “Why does no one love me?” ranks high in search engine statistics. This question can concern both a teenager in a rather problematic period in life, when there is a great need for love, and an adult, for example, an employee who is faced with misunderstanding and rejection in a team.

Should I blame myself for something? Shutting myself in even more because I don’t suit someone and I don’t get a proper response to my attitude? In fact, it is impossible to please everyone around. All people are different: just as we are imperfect, so are those who evaluate us. Not everyone thinks about what is worth loving or at least showing respect / attention to those who are around. You need to understand that, first of all, everyone is more focused only on themselves.

So, we live in a world of egoists with our own tastes and preferences, and if you take a good look, it turns out that I am the same / the same, therefore I am desperately looking for this love from others, therefore I am offended when they do not like me.

Step to solution #1. Does nobody really love me?

Yes, we understand and are serious about the fact that you ended up on this page in search of an answer to your question. But before we figure out the reasons why they don’t like you, let’s still try to honestly figure out whether you really are nobody does not love? Not a single person on this earth? Or are you just not getting the proper return only in a certain society?

Many of us have a family, these are either parents, or brothers / sisters, grandparents, someone, maybe all together. There are friends from different periods of life (or were). There are people we meet every day. Is there really no one among them who is good-natured towards you? And does everyone really express some kind of negativity in your direction and constantly make it clear that you are unloved and not accepted here?

Answering these questions honestly will help someone see that maybe things aren't quite what they seem and that there are people who love you. So, even if, besides these people, there is someone who, as it seems to you, does not love you, the first step to solving the problem is to be grateful for those people who are near and love. Encourage yourself by interacting with these people and develop these relationships.

Step to solution #2. And I love?

Wait, they don't like me, we wanted to sort them out! Yes, it's easy to expect something from others. We always want love and attention, but at least simple acceptance and understanding! But ... If there are situations in which people are drawn to us on their own, then in most cases it all starts with us. If I am looking for love, then I need to be the first to show this love, attention. “Whoever wants to have friends, he himself must be friendly” is a simple truth, but it is the basis of any relationship.

Cases may vary, and if you for a long time they were not accepted in some society, and you have loaded yourself enough with this, of course, it will be difficult to immediately begin to show friendliness to them. You may think that it looks unnatural. Well, it's still worth trying to start small. If it's a large team, try approaching someone first with whom you might find it easier than with others. So gradually you can join the team.

If you go forward, but you are not accepted in any way, this does not mean that something is wrong with you. But if most people do not want to communicate with you, it is worth considering why this might be happening ... What might they not like about you?

10 reasons why people don't like you

Can't stop in time

There are some people who are annoying trying to be funny. People don't like it when you go too far with your jokes and antics, many just walk away when you start to bore them. You need to know when to stop.

Negative when asked, "How are you?"

I'm sure every adult asked the question "How are you?". Sometimes even more than 20 times a day.

If the answer is yes, people like it. If you start telling a negative story about Everyday life people don't like it. They don't care if you're tired or not, that you have to work, that your leg goes numb or something else.

If someone on the go asks: "How are you?", It is better to answer: "Not bad." Each of us has problems and difficulties, but you need to be able to keep it to yourself. The truth is that people will not cry and suffer because of your everyday problems.

You seem unavailable

Your strict look, loaded or just focused, sullen look, can tell people about your closeness to communication. No, in fact we hope these words do not describe your view. Try to be in good mood and make it visible on your face. Interested and smiling eyes, a slight smile - that's enough.

Always making excuses

Just as in the case of the answer to the question “How are you?”, People do not like it when people justify themselves to them.

For example: "Why are you late?" “I was driving a car when suddenly a deer jumped out onto the road. I slammed on the brakes, I was swept to the side of the road. A man was passing by, but he could not help, as he was taking his pregnant wife to the hospital. "Why didn't you call anyone?" “Oh, yes, I was so shocked that I forgot about the mobile. When I remembered, I see that he is dead. Forgot to load…

Stop! Enough! Just say, "I overslept." Even if you didn't oversleep, there were other problems, this is not a reason to line up long excuses. The bosses don't like it. Friends don't like it. People, for the most part, don't like it. Even if it is your fault, you will be respected for your honesty and frankness.

If you think that you will get something from excuses, you are mistaken, be wiser! People will not be able to trust you, you will notice how they begin to move away from your life.

Thinking negatively about everything and everyone

People want happiness. To be understood. They want joy. If you talk to someone and only express negativity, you destroy joy, hope, and happiness. Who likes this?

We said before that there are annoying, obsessive people. This does not mean that you have to be an opponent, negative person. Get rid of it, you will become more efficient and people will want to be with you.

Your life is what you make it. Realize this so that others can accommodate you. Otherwise, don't whine that you don't have friends - look at yourself.

talk too much

We all know people who can't shut up and push others to talk to them. If you talk non-stop and only take your breath between topics, people won't like you.

People can be polite and nod their heads at you, or they'll get bored and stop calling you and avoid you.

As you talk and talk and talk, you may not notice what others want to add to the conversation. Also, you can talk about things that do not interest the interlocutors. Listening to the interlocutor is still the most important rule of communication.

Your life is a drama

Is there always some kind of drama in your life? Is chaos and devastation always on your way, or are you confusing something? You can grab attention and be the center of attention for a while. Even get a bit of sympathy, but people will notice if this is repeated too often.

Playing drama is deadly to relationships, any relationship. Nobody likes drama. Try not to get carried away by dramatization of events.

You are the best

Oddly enough, this is a problem! Let's say you walk up to a group of people at a party and they fall silent. Why? Because, as history shows, you always get the better of everyone or rebuke someone who told the real story.

People don't like to share their moment of glory. Let them have it. Wait a minute, if you see people ready to hear, speak up.

It's not impressive when you're trying to share someone's glory. On the contrary, it shows how selfish and incapable of listening to others you are. Competing is good, but being always on top is against the rules. Such people are left alone, alone with their ego.

You are the center of the universe

You have a head. You have hair. You have style. You have a figure. Do you also have better air than others. Maybe at school you could surprise others with this, but now real life. Your arrogance repels people. Your self-centeredness and self-love will not be respected.

You should show yourself different levels. This is a sign of respect and understanding of the people around you.

Step to solution #3. Don't expect

The secret of how not to be disappointed is not to be "fascinated", how to avoid unfulfilled expectations is not to expect!

When you know that some efforts have been made on your part, when you know that you are not pushing people away with some serious annoying actions ... It remains just to leave your expectations, requirements and accept reality as it is. No one owes nothing to nobody. No special. But such free man, as you are now, will be able to find a person to your liking!

Live now, because life is a moment, yesterday was the past, and tomorrow will never be!

The world does not owe you anything, you have everything to live fully. If you want to live in torment the way you want, stew in your own juices. But a person can find true happiness in himself. Only this happiness is not an emotion, but a decision to be happy.

If you want to enjoy life, stop blaming everyone around you. Move forward. Grow up, be a nice person, and your life will burst into joyful moments.

If you want to be successful in relationships with employers, family relationships and others - break your habits! Closeness, sullenness and vanity can become an obstacle to a full life in general. So you will never be able to achieve the location of a person. You can help someone who has this problem.

Recently, I think I finally realized why the so-called. " simple people» so do not like psychologists.
The fact is that the science of psychology is all about how the same type, in essence, all mental processes proceed in all people.
Well, like, if the work of grief - then it goes so-and-so. If the process is stuck at this stage, we are looking for such an event in life. If it's different, it's different. We help heal the damage, move on.
And post-traumatic stress is the same for everyone.
And postpartum depression, who has it. And it’s even approximately clear who will have it, and in what circumstances, and who will have it quite the opposite - most likely, there will be postpartum euphoria.
And with everything else, vile psychologists are treated in much the same way. They identify the scheme, look for the place of the breakdown, help fix it, and move on.
Actually, listening to the client, a good psychotherapist is busy with exactly this: he is looking for patterns, and then he digs according to one of the possible schemes for optimizing the process of inner life.
Nothing personal, as they say.
And, apparently, it is this exemplary knowledge about the structure of people that causes such an incredible protest and rejection among the enlightened public. Because - Well, how can it be! After all, it is they (I) who are so special, piece, unique ...
And that is why many clients so persistently look for all sorts of meaningless crap like “on the same level” with themselves, special “warm” relationships and other nonsense in the therapist.
Although the really important thing to look for is just good knowledge materiel (the laws of the work of the psyche), knowledge of standard procedures for improving its work, and an interest in the matter, allowing this knowledge to be applied and combined in correct proportions. It's great if the therapist can still come up with something himself - but this is not even necessary. Strict implementation of standard procedures may even be more beneficial for the client.
But no, it’s better not to talk about such a cynical approach to people. They are special, that's for sure!
Moreover, choosing, for example, a surgeon, the same people are ready and even happy to admit that their intestines are about the same as those of the rest. And they eat with the inlet, that is, with the mouth, and not vice versa. No one wants to be original in such matters. And patients wisely choose an attending physician who knows everything about this typical structure of the intestines correctly, and knows how to do it if one of the parts suddenly becomes very special.
And from the work of the brain (their own), many expect insane abysses and frills.
Although, I’ll tell you a secret, even completely broken schizophrenics, with big features of this mental functioning - and so: even they are all approximately the same, and broken according to the same several patterns.
And most importantly, this does not cancel or detract from anyone's uniqueness at all! Because what exactly to fill your intestines, not to mention - the brains - is a purely choice of each individual client.
What am I all for?
If you consider yourself a healthy enough person to go to a skilled specialist in case of need for medical help, without finding out whether his wife loves and whether he read, say, Borges himself, then do not disgrace yourself by asking if the psychotherapist offered to you is exactly the same " level" as you.
First, it may turn out that he will be immeasurably higher: and then what?
And secondly, your interests lie precisely in the fact that you will never know this at all. Because you should discuss with him, for your, by the way, money, you should not discuss literature, but you and your problems.
So look for a professional good advice from colleagues.
And in order not to get confused in the criteria, imagine - would you go to him for an operation, would he be a surgeon?

Even in childhood, each of us was able to experience and survive the loss. Then such an alignment of the game seemed unfair to us, brought to tears, insulted to the core and caused a storm of emotions. However, over time, the situation has changed, and most of us have realized that winning at gambling by 90% is a matter of chance, and in order to win in various adult games, you need to properly prepare. In addition, in the event that the outcome of the struggle is not in our favor, we can make such a situation useful for ourselves or console ourselves with the fact that a negative result is also a result.

Every person becomes an adult, but not everyone can part with their inner child who never learned to lose. It makes life very difficult. After all, an adult has to lose something every day, and if each such situation ends with an explosion of emotions and unpleasant experiences, then life will become just hell. Therefore, sooner or later, a person who does not know how to lose will have to look for an answer to the question: what to do? How to change the situation and if not learn how to lose, then somehow mitigate the situation? After all, only a superman can win all the time, and even then in numerous Hollywood films.

Reasons for failing to win

Before answering the question of what to do if you do not know how to lose, let's figure out why this happened.

The first reason for this attitude towards losing is the desire for excellence. The game is usually played by several people. Therefore, it will not be possible to hide your own defeat. At the same time, the loser is most worried about the fact that in this way he will show others his inconsistency, incompetence. As a result, a person drives himself into a dead end, convincing himself that he is worse than others, and if this is so, then no one will communicate with the loser.

The reason for this attitude to loss lies in childhood. Some parents want their children to be perfect and successful. How to achieve this? Yes, just punish for failures, mistakes. The result of such upbringing is that an adult begins to try with all his might to satisfy the need hammered into him to be the best and perfect, to achieve recognition, winning at all costs. For such people, winning the game helps in self-affirmation, and losing indicates that you need to prove your own importance again.

The second reason is the desire to keep everything under control. The one who does not know how to lose equates the game with reality, with such a space in which there is an opportunity to build one's life in a different way. Also, every game has rules. It attracts those people who are afraid of the chaos of life.

If most of us think of the game as a perfectly safe activity, the result of which can be replayed, then those who cannot lose do not realize this. They equate failure in the game with a threat to life. For them, losing is the return of unpredictability, chaos, and is generally dangerous. This is what happens to those who were forced too early to show independence, although they still needed the participation of adults.

How to learn to lose?

To learn how to lose, you need to regain pleasure, change the rules of the game and become an adult.

The game is fun and entertainment. Sometimes useful, sometimes not so much. To get back the fun of the game, you need to find out which games you are most interested in, and play those games, feeling the joy of the process, and not the result of the game. At first, as partners, you need to choose those people in whom you are completely confident, who do not care if you win or lose. Their attitude towards you will not change anyway.

You can also try change the rules of your life. If you used to live by the rule: i get mad when i lose, then you can enter the rule: it's just a game, so I'm fine with losing. As a result, you become a winner even if you lose, because you were able to overcome yourself.

Yes and in the end time to grow up. A truly adult person gets satisfaction from the fact that he feels himself the driving force of his own life. For adults, the game is just fun. If this is not the case, then perhaps some life conflicts are hidden in the game. Then you need to go to a psychotherapist, because suffering cannot be a game. You need to get rid of him.

“My child doesn’t like to lose!” - Parents often complain to psychologists. Or - "sobbing because of the deuce", "does not know how to compete honestly with children."

Psychologists have the right to ask: “whose child likes to lose?” Everyone wants to be the first, everyone dreams of being looked at, admired by them - and this is normal. Hypersensitivity to lesions is most often instilled by us adults. “You should pass the exam better than Mishka”, “who can score the ball into the opponent’s goal?”, “Don’t even tell me about the loss”, “You and I have been cramming the verse for the competition for so many days!” Who among us has not given such instructions? educator in kindergarten: whoever cleans up the dishes after breakfast faster will build a garage from the designer. Teachers at school: the most best job in the classroom... There are thousands of such examples. From an early age, the idea is laid in the head of a child that everything must be done quickly and be the first, then in life you will achieve your goal. Losing is the fate of the loser. And he suffers from his failures, inevitable in any life.

During the performance, the athlete is exposed to two states that have the opposite direction. This is, firstly, the desire to win, and, secondly, the fear of losing. And, if the second force is stronger than the first, then, according to the laws of physics, we get the corresponding result. Therefore, in preparation for competitive activity, even at the initial stages, a factor should be taken into account, which we will conditionally call “the factor of accepting a possible loss in this competition as an indicator of the need to make changes in training process».

Psychologists talk about the existence of the so-called "confidence zone", limited by the lower and upper thresholds.

upper threshold defines maximum amount winnings, following one after another, after which comes the fear of losing. Indeed, if one win follows another for a sufficiently long time, the thought arises that now the loss is inevitable. In other words, the athlete, as it were, mentally says to himself: “I have already won something five times. Apparently, now I’m definitely going to lose.”

lower threshold defines minimal amount losses, following one after another, after which the athlete feels insecure when performing. “We lost twice in a row! We are in a psychological hole! It will be hard to win! For one, a similar fear can come after two losses in a row, and for another, even five, nothing.

The smaller the numbers define these two thresholds, the narrower the zone of confidence. The task of the coach and the athlete is to constantly work on expanding the zone of confidence. The regularity of the functioning of our psyche is such that the fear of winning decreases in proportion to the decrease in the fear of losing, so work on expanding the zone of confidence must begin with changing the lower threshold.

It is necessary to instill in an athlete the courage to lose, that is, a person must give himself the right to make a mistake. After all, everyone makes mistakes, without this it is impossible to live. Perhaps the meaning of our life lies in learning, i.e. it is to learn where we initially went wrong, to do right afterwards. Negative information, i.e. error information should be used to find the right solution, not to blame yourself for not being able to do the right thing.

Example: A five-shot series in an experimental shooting competition involved super-class shooters. During the competition, the first three shots hit the top ten, and then a failure occurred and the shooter hit the nine or eight. When the series was increased to eight shots, the first five shots were in the top ten, and then a failure followed again. When the shooters were in the three shots - break - three shots - break - three shots series, almost all the shots were in the top ten. As if after a series of successful hits, the brain begins to doubt its right to be infallible.

It has long been known that all of humanity can be conditionally divided into four groups according to such a criterion as the ratio of the desire to win and the fear of losing. The same ratio holds true in sports. These are the four types:

1. type A - big ambitions and high level fear of failure;
2. type B - great ambitions and a low level of fear of failure;
3. type B - modest ambitions and a high level of fear of failure;
4. type D - modest ambitions and a low level of fear of failure.

Athletes with the psychology of a winner are type B. However, here, as elsewhere, the law of 80: 20 applies, according to which out of 100% (actions, attempts, people, performances), as a rule, 20% have a “hit in the top ten”, and the remaining 80% is the general background. Only 20% of performing athletes are type B. The main part of the athletes are people of type A. Accordingly, only one out of five athletes has a winning mentality from birth.

The features of these types are clearly manifested in the behavior of people. Psychologist Eric Berne has developed a typology according to which type A people can be attributed to the so-called “frogs”, and type B people can be referred to as “princes”. Let's look at their specific features.

Princes understand that they are unique and accept themselves as they are, i.e. they are authentic. Such people do not need to prove their uniqueness, go out of their way to prove that they are better than others. They just live their own life and do not interfere with others to live their own. Princes do not adjust themselves to the requirements and norms of others, they are independent and self-sufficient. Thinking about themselves, they pay attention not to their shortcomings, but to their strengths and think about how they can be used effectively. Princes are quite realistic about the limits of their capabilities and knowledge. Like all people, princes can lose from time to time. But losing in no way affects their sense of self-sufficiency and self-respect.

They continue to believe in their ability to achieve the desired result. Princes know themselves and their psychological features, they do not divide their features into good and bad. All that they have is their property, and they only think about how to use this property to the maximum. in an effective way. Princes absolutely calmly recognize certain rights for themselves, but they recognize the rights of other people. They enjoy their accomplishments, but do not feel guilty about the mistake, but view it as feedback.

Frogs live in a sense of their helplessness and dependence on others. Their favorite phrases are as follows: “I'm never lucky!”, “Only I can have this happen”; they very often use "but" in sentences: "I would do well, BUT something got in the way." Often they look for the cause of their failures in the behavior of other people. Often you hear from them a phrase that begins with the words "If only ...". "If only the judging was fair...", "If only I wasn't so worried before the performance." Their other favorite options are "when..." and "what if". “We will perform well when this coach leaves and another one comes!”, “I knew that in this situation I had to hit the goal myself, but, what if I hit and missed ...”

For such people, everything that happens to them seems dark and frightening, so they are in eternal tension and fear. Their forces are spent on experiencing their own failure and bad luck, so they have little strength left for direct participation in the event. Frogs do not know how to analyze what is happening to them, and therefore they never know why they lost. Therefore, they do not have a resource for fundamental change situations. Because the frog is afraid real world, she builds an illusory world for herself, in which everything happens according to the rules established by the frog. Frogs are in constant doubt. What could be worse for good result than doubt?

People of this type are constantly concerned about what others think of them. Therefore, each performance of a frog athlete becomes a proof to himself and others of his right to perform, to live, to be better than others, etc., and each loss becomes a real personal disaster. In this case, the level of motivation goes off scale, which negatively affects the results of the performance. The Type A player is dangerous, especially in team sports, where he not only panics himself, but also infects other team members with his condition. Now the work of a sports psychologist has appeared ...

As a rule, people of type C and type G are almost never found in sports, especially in elite sports.

The learning process is always a process of trial and error. A person is always trying to do something, misses, consciously assesses the degree of deviation and makes appropriate adjustments for the next attempt until he gets into the top ten. All self-tuning systems accumulate past mistakes, failures, painful and painful episodes in the data bank. This negative experience does not at all hinder the learning process, but contributes to it, if it is treated properly, namely, not to get hung up on it and consider it not as an assessment of the personality of the performer, but as a measure of the degree of assimilation of the action.

But the main rule is the following: as soon as the action is mastered and worked out, the mistakes made during the assimilation of this action must be forgotten, and only the successful action should be remembered, mentally dwelling on them for a long time. For example, for football players it can be regular views of the most successful performances commands, and individual plan it is necessary for each player to create a bank of video frames where he is most successful and effective. Every player should have these videos and watch them regularly before training.

If we deliberately constantly return to our mistakes, constantly blame and reprimand ourselves for them, then against our will, a mistake or failure turns into a goal that is held in imagination and memory. Memories of past failures can most adversely affect today's actions if we endlessly think about them and mentally say: "If I lost yesterday, then I can lose today."

By the way, it has been found out that in a state of hypnosis, when unexpected talents for various types activities, all their attention is focused on achieving a positive goal and there are no memories of past failures, i.e. in a hypnotic state, the memory of past failures is cleared.

To understand yourself...

1. Determine for yourself the maximum number of losses, following one after another, without affecting your belief in the possibility of winning in the next competition.

2. Determine for yourself the maximum number of successive wins in which you keep the faith in the possibility of winning next time.

3. Define a zone of confidence for yourself and set yourself the task of expanding this zone.

4. Observe how you react to a mistake. Record the result. Now write down how you would like to react to the error. Strive to develop the desired response.

5. Determine for yourself your attitude towards Princes and Frogs. What type are you? What type would you like to be? What qualities do you need to develop for this?