She had her own soul in her soul small world. She carried it in herself and, except for her, no one knew about him. This world was closed to me. The door leading into it was opened one day and immediately slammed shut.

Haruki Murakami. South of the border, west of the sun.

Closeness as a personality trait is a tendency to block access to others in their personal space, in their social and mental world.

One man closed, closed and closed himself. In fact, he did not have any goal, he did not even think of creating any system, it just gave him inner joy and satisfaction. And it was so simple: once and closed! And no one enters there, no one leaves from there. People start looking for another way out, and you - once, and closed it there too! They let's rush about, but there is no way out. Closed! It was so interesting, it warmed up its own greatness and power: they are there, and you closed it, they are here, and you closed it! He was so carried away that he did not notice that gradually his space narrowed and when only a few doors remained, he closed them all and found himself in a closed room all alone. He tried to open them again, but couldn't. He mixed up all the keys! And then he began to shout to be opened, but no one heard him.

A closed person is easy to figure out in communication by non-verbal manifestations. As a chaste virgin takes care of her innocence, closeness, like Cerberus, guards her personal space, is jealous of keeping a distance between herself and people. A closed person maintains formal relationships, has little interest in the interests and intentions of the interlocutor, is completely focused on himself and his thoughts. Knowing the power of the subconscious, which clearly accepts non-verbal signals, a closed person assumes a “castle pose” - arms crossed on his chest, fingers clenched into a fist, legs crossed. If such a person is sitting, then at the same time he leans back, increasing the distance between himself and his communication partner. A manifestation of closeness is sitting on a chair “on horseback” with crossed arms. True, sometimes such a posture indicates an unconscious feeling of superiority. According to contemporaries, A.S. Pushkin liked to sit in a relaxed atmosphere so much. Crossed legs signal a desire to maintain a distant distance, emphasize one's independence, and defend one's own interests.

Having the same external manifestation, closeness appears in two types that differ significantly from each other: habitually closed and neurotically closed. A habitually closed person took out his closeness from the nursery, he was brought up like that, he got used to it and therefore does not experience the slightest anxiety, pain or fear from his manifest personality trait. A neurotically closed person closed himself, like a turtle under his shell, not from a harmful upbringing, but under the influence of psychological factors, excessive introversion, distrust of people and life itself. As if with an invisible wall, he fenced off his inner world from prying eyes, and it is difficult for people to guess what he is thinking about.

Hero stories by A.P. Chekhov's "The Man in the Case", the teacher of the Belikov gymnasium, is a vivid example of a closed person who has not found mutual understanding and agreement with the world. Even in clear weather, he “went out in galoshes and with an umbrella, and certainly in a warm coat with wadding. And his umbrella was in a case, and his watch was in a case made of gray suede, and when he took out his penknife to sharpen his pencil, his knife was also in a case; and his face, too, seemed to be in a case, for he hid it all the time in his upturned collar. He wore sunglasses, a jersey, he stuffed his ears with cotton, and when he got into a cab, he ordered to raise the top. In a word, this person had a constant and irresistible desire to surround himself with a shell, to create for himself, so to speak, a case that would seclude him, protect him from external influences. Reality irritated him, frightened him, kept him in constant anxiety, and, perhaps, in order to justify this timidity of his, his disgust for the present, he always praised the past and what had never happened; and the ancient languages ​​that he taught were for him, in essence, the same galoshes and an umbrella where he hid from real life ... And Belikov also tried to hide his thought in a case. For him, only circulars and newspaper articles were clear, in which something was forbidden. When a circular forbade the disciples to go outside after nine o'clock in the evening, or some article forbade carnal love, this was clear and definite to him; forbidden - and that's it. In permission and permission, for him, there was always an element dubious, something unsaid and vague. When a drama club, or a reading room, or a tea room was allowed in the city, he shook his head and said quietly: “Of course, it’s like that, it’s all wonderful, but no matter what happens.”

Closeness does not trust anyone. With a closed heart, she walks through life. It often becomes the bitter fruit of idealization. For example, a person became a member of the ruling party. Without noticing it, he begins to show pride in all its intricate forms. He looks down on people with a sense of superiority. There is a sense of being chosen. Pride instantly closes the heart. The newly minted party member develops pickiness and unbridled criticism. A closed person loses respect for other people and a sense of empathy - the ability to feel the feelings of others. The party member, showing "trough love", begins to look for the way to the "trough". His system of adaptation to the outside world is broken.

Closeness is an adequate response to threats to life. Zeks are a closed people. In their midst, the principle operates: "Do not believe, do not be afraid, do not ask." open man does not live long in prison. Openness is destructive. To survive, you need to close, position yourself in a favorable light. In other words, closeness thrives in an environment where it is foolish to reveal the true motivation of one's actions. People who are under the influence of ignorance and passion are more closed-minded. A selfless person has nothing to hide. In a benevolent environment, closedness does not live. Closeness, like a severe censor, distorts the information that enters the mind. As a result, a person sees an illusory reality. False ego censorship also works for an open person, but for a closed person, in addition, the filters introduced by protection from society are turned on.

It is extremely difficult to overcome closeness, because for a closed person it is not something superficial, painful, on the contrary, it protects him from life's misfortunes. Therefore, she holds on to her hands and feet, considering herself prosperous and sane. advice, arguments, real facts meet strong resistance. That's right, because the main function of closeness is to protect yourself from destructive influences. outside world. Closeness is eliminated by cultivating its opposite - openness. This requires either a long-term immersion of a closed person in an atmosphere of love and trust, or his own awareness of the inefficiency and perniciousness of his closeness.

Every person goes through life lessons. Closeness is not focused on the perception of the new, the lessons of fate remain unlearned. Therefore, it is left "for the second year" for the repeated passage of difficulties. Living with a closed heart, closedness does not react to the signs and clues of fate. Here's how the parable tells it. Conversation between an angel and an archangel : The angel reports to the Archangel about the escort of his ward on Earth: - Alive. Goes to work. Hoping for something. - For what? - Hard to say. Twice I showed him happy dream- does not see. He says he gets tired at work. - What about at work? - Yes, like everyone else. bosses. Bustle. Smoking room. Gossip. - Are the bosses harsh? - Yes, bosses are bosses. The same as everywhere. He is afraid of him for some reason ... - Fears drove away? - By itself. Still on the way to the office. He flapped his wings over his head. Clouds even dispersed. I had to go over the ear with a wing - so that the sun would notice. - And after work? - The shops. TV. To wash the dishes. Internet. Dream. - Did the TV break? - Certainly. I bought a new one for some reason ... - Did you turn off the Internet? - Five days in a row. He just got stuck at work. Till late evening. They can do that. - So, what about the weekend? - Sleep until noon. Cleaning of the apartment. In the evening - friends. Clueless conversations. Vodka. Home after midnight. In the morning with a headache under the covers. Or to TV. Or to a computer. - And she? - Very close. Three houses later. They go to the same supermarket for groceries. - In the queue pushed? - Everything is as it should be. And beyond the instructions, at the bus stop. On holidays. - Did you check the lines of fate? - Yes, they are combined! That's the thing... It's such a city... such a way of life... I can't take it anymore, boss! Impossible task! - Conversations! Where is your list of potent drugs? - Here he is, boss. Flu with fever and delirium. Dislocation, fracture. Car accident. Bankruptcy. Fire. Riots in the streets. Financial crisis. Civil War... - That's enough, slow down ... Two hundred and eighty-fifth such report! Completely forgotten how to work! You know what, contact the parallel stream. In the name of Love for extreme measures, consider permission received! Just pick one. - There is ... choose one thing!

In a word, closedness is not even ready to accept help from above.

Petr Kovalev 2013

Details Created: 06/23/2016 18:21

Before we find out what needs to be done in order to become talkative, there are several reasons why some people are not very talkative, i.e. unsociable.

shyness

First, there is such a thing as shyness. If a person is shy, it means that it is difficult for him to meet, talk with new people due to the fact that he lacks self-confidence. Another one of possible causes The taciturnity of some people lies in the fact that they sometimes have nothing to say - either they understand little of anything, or they have a poor lexicon. In addition to these two cases, it may be that a person is smart, and well-read, and not shy, but he does not easily find a topic for conversation, is not flexible enough in communication. Because of all these reasons, it becomes difficult to communicate with people.

Let us consider in more detail the situation when a person is not very talkative, he lacks confidence in communication. If there is a high self-confidence - easy communication goes by itself. It is easy to communicate with those who are sure that he is good, capable, and worthy of being accepted, listened to, loved and communicated with him. Insecure people tend to have doubts about this. They are tormented by thoughts: “I’ll come up, I’ll start talking, but will they like me?”, “Will they accept me?”, “Maybe I’ll say something stupid?” and so on. And more often than not, instead of finding answers to these questions, they prefer not to communicate. Lack of sociability and isolation sometimes become the norm of life.

To overcome communication insecurities, I recommend taking a few steps. The first of them - try to adequately evaluate yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and in the end make sure that among the seven billion people that exist on the planet, there is someone better than you, someone worse than you, someone more beautiful, someone not so good. All these people, along with you, have approximately the same talents and abilities. In order to create the right self-esteem for yourself and show yourself that you are worth something, reflect on your skills and abilities, find your merits, remember your achievements for Lately, and make sure that you really are not worse than others.

At the second stage, in order to overcome insecurity in communication and become more talkative, you need to find in yourself the desire to make contact with people. If you find it really difficult to communicate, find an opportunity to explain to yourself why you need it. Motivate yourself. Remember that if you communicate more often, with each new time it will be easier for you to do this, you will become more sociable. If you are afraid of communication, afraid that you will be poorly evaluated, then understand that until you go through the fear of being evaluated by other people, you will not feel like a worthy person. In order to learn to speak, one must speak. And to be talkative, you have to talk. Therefore, even when you are not confident in yourself, you should take a step towards the conversation and train in communication.

Third important point, which should be considered to overcome insecurity in communication and shyness - it should be remembered that appetite comes with eating. You need to motivate yourself, repeat to yourself that it will be easier further, it will be more interesting, further it will turn out more. But in order for this to happen, you need to take the first steps. These thoughts will help you motivate yourself if you are still having a hard time communicating due to self-doubt.

Nothing to say

Now let's consider the situation where some people are reticent because they have nothing to say. This situation suggests that they think little, read little, think little, observe little. They live more of a reactive life. That is, it somehow rolls by itself, and a person is simply included in this life.

In order to become talkative in such a situation, it is very important to turn on mental processes. There are many ways to do this. For example, when you watch a movie, try to think and understand what was interesting for you in this film. This can be done in writing, or you can simply evaluate, retell, or just think for yourself.

The second approach is called paraphrase. When you have read or heard something, try to retell it. Retelling gives us the opportunity to choose the right words, train our brain and learn how to express our thoughts well and correctly.

The third important exercise in developing communication skills is to try to think about what new did you learn for yourself in some work, in some poem, film, and so on, think about how this can be useful for you. This exercise trains our brain in such a way that we begin to analyze the information, try to understand it, understand the essence and, perhaps, even find the hidden meaning.

Finally, the fourth exercise that will help your development of sociability is simply read poetry and prose aloud. This will give you the opportunity to hear yourself from the outside and correct your speech, if necessary. By regularly doing these exercises, you will suddenly find that you have learned to reflect, express your thoughts, convey your point of view, and so on.

So, we looked at a number of exercises and tips that can help you become talkative in two cases: when a person is not confident in himself, and when he is not used to thinking, reasoning, or is not able to express his thoughts freely. However, confidence in communication is gained not only by the person who can tell or retell something, but by the one who knows how to freely operate with different interesting topics. In order to learn how to do this, it is important not only to broaden your horizons, but also to acquire the ability to think quickly and switch quickly.

In order to be able to speak well, I recommend not only reading a lot, thinking a lot, but also listening to the interlocutor in order to turn on in time and support any point of view, any conversation.

To learn how to quickly switch, you should practice the ability to quickly express your point of view on different topics. There is a game that can help develop this skill. The game is called "The Smartest", you may have seen it on TV. In this game, the child is quickly asked questions, and he quickly tries to orient himself and answer each of the questions. You can play the same game with one of your friends: let him ask some questions on different topics, and you must quickly answer them. Regular training will give you the opportunity to quickly switch, freely operate with thoughts, as a result of which you will begin to speak very well and vividly.

The statistics say that psychological isolation- the problem of almost 63% of the modern population of the earth. Closure can be both from birth, and one that is formed at a certain age (during childhood and adolescence, a little less often in adulthood). Finding in a child signs of isolation, you need to immediately take measures to solve it, since the child is very flexible, and changes occur easily. Whereas with an adult, work will require a large investment of effort. Due to the fact that there are habits, foundations and routines of life.

Usually the child imitates the behavior of the parents. If parents are afraid of this world, then the child will most likely behave the same way. Of course, the fear of parents may be in a different form than that of a child. Let's say a dad can have aggression (i.e. Protecting his interests through aggression), and a child in the form of isolation. But there is also copying behavior here. But not in form, but in content. Dad pushes other people's interests and puts his own in the first place, and the child does the same. Below I will explain how this is connected.

Introverted people are defined by Carl Gustav Jung as introverts. But fortunately, these are not characteristics laid down by genes, but just superficial personality programs. Style of behavior.

So what are the signs of psychological isolation or who are introverts?

Introverts are people (or rather their psychological type) are focused on their inner world, their feelings, emotions. They themselves create a world for themselves (albeit not quite real), in which they dream of spending their lives. It is because of this property that introversion is replaced by rather simple actions with more open behavior, more on that below.

The main signs of isolation:

— indecisiveness(for example, in school age self-contained children are afraid to raise their hands in class, go to the blackboard to answer, speak or come up to ask something first);

— Difficulty finding a common language with other people, with society (most often this is just a subjective opinion of a closed person; after all, he is sure that he does not know how to communicate, that because of any small mistake he will be laughed at or he will not be perceived by society);

— Hypersensitivity to criticism and condemnation, fear of universal criticism, condemnation (to hear criticism addressed to you is the same as to survive any catastrophe on a global level);

— Narrow circle of acquaintances; unwillingness to expand this circle, make new acquaintances and acquaintances;

- unwillingness and/or fear of being the center of attention, in the center of praise and congratulations;

- pronounced shyness, timidity;

— overly serious, passivity (from the side, it may also seem like excessive thoughtfulness, daydreaming, but in fact the reason for this state is psychological isolation);

— Irresponsibility. Lack of desire to be the initiator of something rather large-scale, significant;

— Tendency to blush for any reason. And fear of other physiological manifestations. Sweat, choke, fart, cough.

External signs

There are also a number external features that cause closed state in a person:

- You can see that most often closed people keep their hands in their pockets. In the psychology of gestures, this means a desire to protect oneself from the whole world around, distrust of everyone and everything, except for well-known friends or acquaintances;

- Head slightly lowered - self-doubt, not faith in one's attractiveness and strength, the desire to remain unnoticed by the "gray mouse". Self-confident people always walk with their heads held high, their shoulders straight and their eyes full of determination;

- The gaze is downcast at the ground or goes somewhere under the feet. During a conversation, it is impossible not to notice that such people are, as it were, afraid to meet their eyes, they very rarely look directly into the eyes of the interlocutor, which is also a sign of their insecurity and fear of society.

But these signs of isolation can also work in reverse. For example, if a person is tired of the state of isolation, then it is enough for him to force himself to walk with his head held high, his shoulders straightened, to look at the world with a confident look, to walk with an even, firm step. Feeling uncomfortable at first, but a new style behavior will help a person become more courageous, sociable and open to others. This, of course, will not remove the problem (since the psyche will remain the same), but it will help to move it away for a while. Then everything will be back on track.

Yes, you can also develop communication skills, learn to control yourself, go to acting courses For example. But the problem will remain the same, since it lies not at the level of communication, but at the level of values. So, every time you will need to fight with your inner essence.

Reasons for isolation

It may seem that the cause of isolation is transmitted from parents with genes. But if you look closely, you will see that many outgoing parents have withdrawn children, and vice versa. The reason for isolation in 90% of cases is excessive concentration on your goals.

Yes, it happens that something happens to a child and he decides that it is better to stay away from the world. But after all, the child grows up and already understands that he can already stand up for himself, but the behavior remains the same. This means that it is beneficial for this adult to be in this state (or easier, since there is no need to change anything and learn new things).

Let's look at a few examples so that you yourself can see the difference in the thoughts of a closed person and an open one.

— Closed man goes on stage to perform. All he thinks about is how not to disgrace me, how not to forget the words, and that if I suddenly choke, my voice will disappear.

+ Open a person thinks: How to give the people around him the maximum benefit, how to rock the hall, how to hook those who are sitting in the back rows.

Noticed the difference? No? Then more examples.

— Closed man wants to meet a girl. He approaches the one she likes and in his head there will be such thoughts: How can I not freeze stupidity, how can I not be disgraced, and what if she sends me.

+ Open a man approaches a girl he likes. Thoughts in his head: How to convey to her that she is pretty, how to make the conversation comfortable and enjoyable for her.

Haven't caught it yet? Then again.

— Closed comes to the party full of people and thinks: I need to behave more relaxed, I should communicate with someone, but what if I look like an idol.

+ Open man: What a funny guy, you have to come up to find out who he is, about then I see my friend, I wonder how he got here.

Do you think you got it? Let's have another test, and I'll already explain what I'm trying to show.

— Closed when talking, a person thinks: how should I look relaxed, and how often should I look at him, it’s uncomfortable for me to stand so close to him.

+ Open when talking, a person usually thinks like this: the thought that he says is incomprehensible to me - I’ll clarify, she speaks so quickly, she is excited - but why ?, he just said an interesting phrase - how does he manage to speak fluently.

Explanation from Oleg:

Treatment of isolation

To begin with, of course, it is impossible to name the treatment of this process. Since isolation is not a disease, but a style of behavior and value. As you can already understand from my audio explanation, this is the paradigm: I/Me and the World/They paradigm.

You need to work with the paradigm. No training acting skills will not help, as they only give skills, but do not change the approach. Ask yourself questions (they will highlight your lifestyle):

  • If a dog runs up to you, wags its tail, do you give it some of your warmth by petting it?
  • How often do you tell people pleasant words when do you feel it?
  • Are you interested in the people around you, their goals, objectives, or just what you care about?
  • How attentive to the behavior of others, do you notice the slightest changes in their clothes, behavior?
  • Do you see the beauty/lack of beauty of the people around you, their emotions, their images?
  • Can you remember who is interested in what he is doing, and what needs he has now?
  • How often after a conversation can you describe what the person was wearing, in what mood, how did he feel?

Oleg's explanation:

Practical Steps

What I described in my explanation is the idea from the inside out. As soon as you stop looking at yourself and start looking at the needs of others, tectonic changes will begin. It is useless to try to technically solve the fear of dating girls, or the fear of public speaking. Until there is a skill to give. Nothing can change. It's not as difficult as it sounds, it's not nuclear physics, but it will require some effort from you.

Your life is already filled with people and events. Start doing actions not from a position to do well for yourself, but to do well for others. Start as athletes with a small weight, gradually increase it. Even a trip to the store can be a mini-training.

You can act in several areas:

  • Area of ​​thoughts, attention
  • The area of ​​virtual communication
  • real communication area
  • Scope of action

Explanation from Oleg:

Do you want to get rid of isolation as quickly as possible?
Waiting for (we work until we win)!
Oleg.

Question to a psychologist

Why, being in a company of more than 4 people, do I begin to close in on myself and become silent?

Psychologists Answers

Hello Natasha. You are closing because you begin to feel less interesting, less significant, less perfect, less original. Your self-esteem begins to forward movement down and you close. Probably, you initially evaluate yourself not clearly enough. When there are four people, the attention spent on each interlocutor decreases four times (according to the laws of mathematics). including, and attention to you decreases. Perhaps someone else, more talkative, interrupts him. And you begin to consider this dynamic, changing, chaotic, spontaneous structure as neglect of you. Then your vague fears about yourself are instantly confirmed, resentment arises due to ( rejection invented by you) and you become isolated. Under any circumstances, take yourself for the most beloved and adored. And you will see that everything will be different. This can be understood in more detail only during full-time work. Optimism to you!

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Hello Natasha.

Low self-esteem leads to insecurity and timidity. You are afraid to be not up to par, afraid of condemnation. In order to become the mistress of your life, you must love yourself, not compare with others, you are special and unique. Each of us knows how to do something better than others. Try to find your own strengths. Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself, how you see yourself and who you think you are. Good luck to you.

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Hello Natasha! A rather interesting and laconic question "why?", to which one really wants to answer "Because ...." and quote a textbook on psychology, perhaps several chapters, but ... If only everything were so simple and understandable, but each person is individual, and each has its own "because ...". Why do you think? With all people, or only with relatives, or only with strangers, or with some specific ones? At a party or at work? when you need to say something or be silent? and there are many such questions. Try to analyze all such questions, and, most likely, if you are honest with yourself, you will find the answer yourself. If it does not work out, contact a specialist, he will definitely help clarify.

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There are people who are open-hearted, quite sociable. However, sometimes there are those who can be attributed to a closed, closed group.

An individual of this type does not let anyone into his world, tries to avoid communication, completely closes himself from people. It often happens that a person is smart, but unable to trust anyone. It develops into a habit, in addition, there is great amount fears, many of which are unfounded, irrational. People try to hide them by saying that the world is hostile.

Often this is observed during training. It would seem that there is a friendly group, the atmosphere can be called warm, the tasks are simple. In general, everything is fine, and there is no reason for fear - however, you can see one or another person sitting on the sidelines, watching what is happening intently and who expresses the following: “ I wish I could trust people, but I can't trust that quickly". It becomes clear that there is no reason to worry, there is simply fear, and because of this, a habit has developed not to trust anyone.

When a person behaves closed, then those around him respond with restraint and reciprocal closeness. If there is no openness and trust, then there will be no true friends, while there are no reasonable contacts, and a person will be forced to be in the company of people of this type, looking at everyone with distrust.

Among those who belong to the closed type, a surge of hostile reactions is observed much more often, since if you are constantly in anticipation of hostile actions, then, of course, it is better to hide, and then, just in case, return fire.

A self-fulfilling prophecy is triggered (that is, an initially false interpretation of the situation): for open people the world is more open, and others are trustworthy, but for closed people, it remains alien and no one can be trusted.

Although there are similar behaviors, such individuals can be distinguished into two groups: habitually closed and neurotically closed.

A habitually closed person cannot open up, because all his behavior is affected by habits laid down since childhood. The individual is closed, not because he experiences any fears or other social problems, education affects here. In order to make him more open, it is enough to be interested in something, treatment in this case is not required.

With neurotic closeness, a person suffers some kind of trauma, pain, and therefore a certain type of fear arises. Sometimes the consequences of pain and pain itself seem to be gone, but the behavior remains constrained by habit, there is internal installation that it is better to remain silent somewhere and not stick out. At the same time, in appearance, one can notice tension in the shoulders and restraint in gestures. Although splashes in the form of small injections, insults and accusations are also possible, after this comes a little relief. Further, the person begins to reproach himself for not being restrained.

Is it possible to help a closed person?

It is very difficult for such a person to open up to strangers, there is an impossibility of expressing one's real thoughts and relationships, there is a fear of loneliness, but it is also problematic to decide on love for another person.

You should not tell such an individual that there is no need to worry, this will be the wrong step. It is certainly possible to help, but it will take a lot of effort to achieve a positive result.

So what to do?

First you need to figure out what exactly you do not need to do. Forcing a person to change, to act more boldly, to talk about their problems, will not work. An attempt to rebuild the individual for themselves will lead to powerful resistance, greater distrust and closeness. Although occasionally this method can help.

However the best option sincere friendship will become, while a gradual acquaintance with good people. If it turns out that you become a friend of a closed person, then over time this problem in communication will go away. The most correct option would be to bring such a person into a company company, but there is no need to force him to be active.

To begin with, it will be sufficient that a person simply comes, listens, and looks. If at the same time you will always be nearby, then this will affect more positively. After a certain time, the person will become warmer.

Some difficulties may also arise. Very often a closed person has a difficult character. In another way, we can say that this is a type with a bad upbringing, who absolutely does not know how to find contact with others. To deal with this close friend you need to be patient, because you should explain to him how to behave, talk about good manners, about what you can do and what you don’t need.

But, as you know, very rarely anyone wants to get involved with a person who does not know how to be grateful, and sometimes will be rude. This is where the difficulty lies, so be friends with closed person very hard.

How to get used to openness?

If there is an opinion that you are not completely open, but you want to think differently, then this is quite possible, but certain habits should be developed. This means.