, Comments (1) on Passive-aggressive behavior disabled

Passive-aggressive behavior

Passive-aggressive behavior is actions that express anger, but look like unintentional mistakes to the person himself. Usually, passive-aggressive behavior is people who, due to their beliefs or upbringing, cannot express anger at another person or deny him something ...

An example of passive-aggressive behavior: A parent asks the child to wash the floors, and the child does not want to. He cannot refuse, so he washes the floors, but it is so bad that the parent has to wash them. In this case, the purpose of this behavior is to ensure that the parents no longer ask the child to wash the floors. In addition, the child may already be angry about something for the parents, so it gives him a special pleasure to watch the parent get angry and wash the floors himself.

One more example. The girl is angry with her young man for the fact that he does not offer her to marry, but cannot express his anger, since he believes that the girl should not be imposed. She can make a mess at home, knowing that the guy appreciates order, or be late all the time, knowing how important punctuality is to him.

If a passive-aggressive person refuses, expresses anger, or takes revenge on purpose, he will feel a strong sense of guilt, because he believes that it is not good to do so. However, if he does something bad, not intentionally, but unintentionally, then they rarely get angry at him in response, because he is not to blame. When there is a ban on expression negative emotions, they all the same one way or another manifest themselves in behavior: either in irritated intonation, or in the form of passive-aggressive behavior.

What are passive-aggressive behavior? One of the most common passive-aggressive actions is forgetting something important to another person, for example, buying a product that the other person cannot eat without, or forgetting papers that are important to that person. Constant delays by 20-40 minutes, with which a person is simply completely unable to do anything, is also an example of passive aggression.

The unconscious goal of passive aggression is to take revenge on another person for something, most often for his inability to say “no” when this person asks for something. The passive-aggressive person first agrees to do something unpleasant for himself, is unable to refuse, and then takes revenge and observes how the other person is upset or angry, and receives unconscious satisfaction from the fact that he is punished.

The second goal is to get away from punishment for revenge yourself. If we commit acts that cause anger in other people, then we are punished for this in the form of their dissatisfaction, reciprocal anger, or refusal to take some action we need. The passive-aggressive type of behavior is usually not seen by other people as intentional, and therefore, as a result, it is possible to avoid immediate retribution, although the relationship gradually deteriorates, since the other person is still angry at such actions and begins to avoid communication.

If you communicate with a passive-aggressive person and cannot stop communicating with her, then I advise you to make sure that the second goal of such behavior is not realized. When you are angry about something in the behavior of another person, express your irritation, insist that such behavior stops; say it doesn't matter to you whether the person does it by accident or on purpose.

You cannot force the other person to act differently, but you can help them become aware of the purpose of such actions. Most often, in this case, the person stops doing this if the relationship with you is important to him and if he has reason to think that such actions will affect your communication.

Find and reveal the reasons for passive-aggressive actions, for example, say: "It seems to me that you did not want to do this and that for me, but you didn’t tell me“ no, "and now you forgot this and thus took revenge on me." Usually, unconscious manipulations can not continue if a person begins to understand that he is taking revenge. This realization can happen if you connect several times what could upset the person and what he "accidentally" did.

Even if you haven't heard of a term like passive aggression , you have probably come across this phenomenon. Moreover, many of us act like passive aggressors from time to time. However, for some it is a one-time, situational behavior, for others it is a "base model". We propose to figure it out what is passive aggression and how to resist those who use it on us.

In this article, by passive aggressors we mean those who often resort to this behavior- in general in life or in specific situations / when interacting with specific people.

In relation to other people

Imagine a person who feels anger, hostility, anger, resentment towards someone, but cannot or does not want to express feelings openly. However, he still considers it necessary to demonstrate his negative attitude – so that outwardly it does not violate social, social, ethical norms, but eloquently conveyed his feelings and emotions.

And for this there are various means. The most common example is a “well-chosen” gift (say, a passive aggressor knows that a person unpleasant to him is on a diet, but still gives sweets; for a vegetarian he will buy a barbecue set, and for a person with aching teeth - nuts). Deliberately delaying deadlines at work (but so that it would be impossible to formally try on disciplinary measures), active imposition of one's opinion under the guise of caring (typical for tensions within the family, especially in couples mother-in-law - son-in-law, mother-in-law - daughter-in-law) and other options ... All this is manifestations of passive-aggressive behavior.

Its main feature is that with outwardly positive or neutral behavior, a person offends, offends, annoys or otherwise negatively affects the person against whom this attitude is directed. This is precisely the meaning of passive aggression - to annoy, cause anger, reciprocal aggression, etc., but formally look as if he has nothing to do with it. From the outside, it turns out that the aggressor is white and fluffy, and his counterpart starts a conflict, is overly nervous and reacts violently to everything.

It is necessary to distinguish manifestations of passive aggression from people who are very annoying in their care or just tactless people. The main difference is that the goal of the aggressor is to annoy, anger. Whereas caring / tactless such tasks do not set themselves.

In relation to any business

Passive aggression can relate not only to the "unwanted person", but also "Objectionable business"(both at work and in personal life). Here, too, we can face a delay in deadlines, with the fact that the task will not be done at all (under some plausible pretext) or done carelessly, for show.
In such cases, the case is often procrastinated until the very last moment, and then done at a very fast pace or not at all.

Sometimes the aggressors initially they know that they will not do anything or will, but carelessly, however, for one reason or another, they cannot and do not want to say this directly. Here, the manifestation of passive aggression towards a person to whom our hero, in principle, may not have negative feelings, is associated with by the very fact that such a task was set.

Such passive-aggressive manifestations in life are found much more often, and even a person who does not usually resort to such a model can use it. For example, when he was given overtime as an ultimatum, or when distant acquaintances crawled in with inappropriate requests.

In general, passive aggression is manifestation of infantile behavior... Sometimes a person [sort of] is forced to resort to this method, because decency does not allow doing otherwise - because of subordination, because of the fact that he does not want to completely spoil the relationship, because the aggressor realizes that other people are right, but still feels annoyed and annoyed. For example, a person may have a lot of work, but a colleague reminds him of a presentation that should have been made a week ago. Formally, our hero understands that the colleague has nothing to do with it, but he is still angry with him and makes a presentation for show.

There are people who constantly resort to this model of expressing emotions and in fact have been learning it since childhood... In particular, this may be due to the fact that a person strives with all his might avoid direct conflict, because he does not know how or does not know how to behave in this case. The aggressor, as a rule, hopes that his sneak jabs, formally expressed in a socially acceptable form, will not lead to open conflict and
therefore chooses such a form of expression of emotions.

Sometimes people basically not used to / afraid to show feelings openly... As a rule, this behavior is reinforced by parents in childhood, denying the right of a son or daughter to show emotions, saying that it is wrong, or even punishing them. For example, when a child is angry or crying, he is answered “Well, you are different, it's still good”, “Well, now he stopped crying,” “Don't throw tantrums, there is nothing like that,” etc. If the parents too often shut up the child in this way, without delving into his problem, the little man forms an attitude: feelings cannot be shown openly. But from this, by themselves, they do not disappear anywhere, so the child gets used to express them in a veiled way. In adulthood, the aggressor, as it were, forces his opponent to start an open conflict instead of himself - but when it is started (not by our hero), it is already possible to show feelings openly.

Be that as it may, mature, self-sufficient individuals do not resort to passive aggression towards other people.

How to resist a passive aggressor?

Communication with a passive aggressor (if his behavior is directed in your direction), as a rule, is associated with negative emotions, and often you also cannot express them openly - because of the same rules of decency or subordination that “forced” the aggressor to resort to his models. And sometimes the whole point is that, formally, no one has done anything bad to you and there seems to be nothing to conflict over. Nevertheless, the severity of communication overhangs, becomes a source of irritation and other negative emotions. Here are some tips on how to deal with passive aggression.


Surely, no one would argue that communicating with people is a difficult task. Without realizing it, we feel how some people are subtly manipulating us, while from the outside the communication does not go beyond the bounds of decency.

A passive-aggressive interlocutor is a person who monotonously "drinks" your strength, feeds on your energy. In turn, it is very difficult to understand this, because such people are seemingly polite, do not violate personal boundaries, but this is only at first glance. Upon closer examination, it becomes clear that the person is simply a "vampire".
Every person needs to learn to detect signs of passive aggression, and estet-portal.com will help you with this.

Features of passive aggression: how to identify

Passive aggressor is a person main feature whose behavior lies in the fact that under any circumstances he tries to extinguish anger. Unable and unwilling to express their negative emotions, such a person accumulates resentment and anger. Over time, there are so many of them that the aggressor has to throw out his emotions on other people, while carefully veiling the true motives.

You will never hear explicit criticism or discontent from a passive aggressor, however, the relationship with him, sooner or later, will turn into a real nightmare. How to recognize this type of personality, and learn how to resist him, you can learn from the information provided in this article.

Sabotage is the essence of a passive aggressor

A standard case - the subordinate is given a task by the management, but he is in no hurry to complete it, due to the fact that this work he doesn't like it. The person will pull to the last, wriggle, avoid solving the task, in the hope that everything will "dissolve" by itself, that the task will be transferred to another employee.

To do this, the passive aggressor pretends that he does not have time, does not cope, in general, that he does not succeed, although in reality this is not so - he just does not want to do any work through force. In any case, the work process will be sabotaged and the aggressor will get his way.

Anger is the hidden emotion of a passive aggressor

Often, passive aggression strikes people from families where a hostile atmosphere constantly reigns. The eternally swearing parents, who periodically throw themselves at each other with their fists, cause a protest in the child, which in adulthood translates into a desire to avoid open conflicts in every possible way.

But, as we understand it, aggression does not go anywhere, it accumulates and grows, periodically transforming and pouring out on others in the form of constant discontent and critical assessments. Carefully hiding his real feelings, a passive aggressor in any situation will assure you that everything is fine, that everything suits him. But, it is enough just to feel the intonation of the voice to understand that all this is a bluff and the person is dissatisfied.

People about whom in question in this article, avoid direct confrontation and never say directly what causes their displeasure. At the same time, they will try to impose on you the idea that you are inadequate, cruel and soulless. It might sound something like this: “Of course, do as you know, why do you need to think about how I feel at the same time. Who cares about my condition? "

Provocation is the passive aggressor's favorite pastime

Passive aggression is a state in which the aggressor always tries to keep his "face". He will never show his obvious anger, he will restrain his feelings and emotions to the end.

Silent is their favorite game. Shifting responsibility for the conflict on the shoulders of another person, the aggressor, always understands what he is “doing”. Its goal is to infuriate you, thereby making yourself white and fluffy. As a result, you will hear the banal phrases "I told you that you don't care" - this is pure water a provocation that you should not succumb to. You will scream frantically, and the passive aggressor will nod your head and say that he knew from the very beginning what kind of person you are.

Denunciation and passive aggressor: words synonyms

The passive aggressor is filled with a heap of unexpressed negative emotions... It can be anger, envy, hatred and other feelings that have no way out. As a result, a person can not stand it, and it becomes extremely necessary for him to "drain" all his negative, to get rid of the accumulated load.

For this, such tricks as denunciations and gossip are used. You will never hear in the "eyes" that you are wrong or are offended at you, you will learn about this from mutual acquaintances or management. What is the point of all these actions, you ask? The answer is simple - a passive aggressor wants to be attractive and kind in the eyes of others, and for this he will do everything possible and impossible.

If you manage to recognize the aggressor among your colleagues in time, stay away from him, otherwise he may not only choose you as a victim, his covert actions can seriously harm even your career.


Passive aggression is the exact opposite of responsibility

In any life circumstances, the passive aggressor avoids responsibility, responsibility for his choice, for his actions. He will accuse his parents that he was not given anything, a loved one that he deprived him of opportunities. You, and only you, will be to blame for all his domestic blunders and work failures.

For each, the passive aggressor saves his own version of reality, according to which he is a good and unhappy person, and everyone else is tyrants. Infantile behavior aggravates with age, a person begins to believe in his own decency and “exclusivity”. Being next to a passive aggressor, and proving him the opposite, you simply waste time, because he does not intend to give up his personal assessment, under any circumstances.

How to resist a passive aggressor

Psychologists say that most people who are prone to passive aggression do not even know about their own "illness". The trauma received in childhood leads to the fact that the child is trying with all his might to protect himself in adulthood, but this does not mean that he does not need to resist.

To stop the passive aggressor, you need to take the following steps:

Fighting tactics. If a person regularly ignores your request not to be late, warn that next time you will leave if he is late for more than 10 minutes, while speaking respectfully, without insults.

Dialog. Since the passive aggressor himself does not know what he is doing, it is worth talking to him in his own language - peacefully, but convincingly. Explain to the person that you are tormented and strained by his withdrawal from the conflict and hushing up the problem.

Logical chain. If your spouse is a passive aggressor, then over time you will learn to notice when a person is out of sorts. Do not boycott in response, on the contrary, try to understand why your loved one does this, maybe you have gone too far at some point.

If it so happened in your life that you cannot avoid communicating with a passive-aggressive person, then you should understand one golden rule - you are not guilty of anything. There is no need to look for the reason in yourself, for such a person, his demeanor is the norm, and he will always find the guilty ones, not you, but someone else.


What you need to know to stay safe

Passive aggression is something that needs to be resisted. Clearly build your boundaries and go to the end, if you are confident that you are right. The passive aggressor will not stop at anything; to express his secret desires he will go to the end. If you feel that you are wrong in something, accept it and correct it, but nothing more - you should not take responsibility for what you did not do.

There is no need to make retaliatory attacks, this will only provoke a greater intensity of emotions, and, moreover, only from your side. The passive aggressor will continue to pretend to be an unfortunate "sheep", complaining to everyone about how they do not understand and offend him.

In especially severe cases, when a passive aggressor presses over you, you should not endure it, seek help from a psychologist. A specialist will help you see the situation from the outside and get out of it with the slightest loss for your mental health.

In order not to lose faith in your own strength, remember that everything that the passive aggressor talks about is not about you, it's just that he is so comfortable and necessary. Take care of yourself and your personal space by preventing toxic people from entering your territory. Remember that in this situation, your mental state is a healthy assessment of what is happening and self-control.
Read more about emotional and psychological health at estet-portal.com.

Understanding the personality traits of manipulators is the first step to effective
interacting with them. To understand what these people are on
in fact, we have to put them in a suitable context. In this chapter I want to lay
a foundation of ideas about personality and character to help you see the difference between
manipulators and other personality types and learn to confidently recognize a wolf in
sheep's clothing when meeting him.

Personality with personality disorders

The role of anxiety in the problems faced by an individual with
character disorders (IRI), insignificant. On the contrary, IRCs lack
anxiety and alertness associated with their dysfunctional behavioral
models.
In persons with severe personality disorders, the voice of conscience may
be absent altogether. Most IRCs have a significantly underdeveloped conscience.
The IRC's ability to experience genuine feelings of guilt or shame is diminished.
What might look like from the outside defense mechanism is most likely
powerful tactical technique that allows you to manipulate others and not give in
the requirements of society.
IRHs may try to manipulate the way you think about them, but basically they are the ones who
they are.
The problematic aspects of the personality of the IRC are egosyntonic (that is, the IRC likes to be
himself and he is quite satisfied with his own behavioral models, although both can
cause a lot of trouble to others). They rarely ask for help on their own.
yourself - this usually happens at the insistence of other people.
Erroneous thinking patterns and misconceptions lie behind the behavior of the IRI.
The self-esteem of the IRC is most often inflated, and the exaggeration of one's merits is not
serves as a compensation for the underlying feeling of inferiority.
Adverse consequences and public condemnation does not stop the IRC.
Although problematic behavioral patterns of IRS may be habitual and
automatic, they are conscious and deliberate.
A personality with temperament disorders has high level awareness and
understanding of herself, however, this does not prevent her from resisting attempts to change her views and
fundamental beliefs. IRCs do not need insights - they need and are useful
framework, opposition and, above all, behavior correction. Most suitable for
working with them is a cognitive-behavioral therapeutic approach.
As can be seen, on almost every point of the distinction between neurotic and personality
with character disorders are striking. And above all - people with personality disorders
think differently from most of us. V last years researchers realized all
the importance of this fact. The way we think, what we believe, the attitude we have formed
to certain things - all of this largely determines how we act. V
in particular, that is why, as modern researchers note,
cognitive behavioral therapy (working with erroneous thinking patterns and
support of a person's desire to change their attitudes and behavior patterns) -
a suitable choice for people with an unbalanced character.
Investigation of Distortions in Thinking Patterns of Persons with Character Disorders
began a few years ago and focused primarily on mental
attitudes of criminals. After some time, researchers came to the conclusion that
problematic thinking patterns are common to all types of individuals with disorders
character. I borrowed descriptions of these problematic patterns, modified and supplemented
I am ready to present them brief description the most important ones.
Narcissism. People with personality disorders think about themselves all the time.
yourself. They don’t think about what others need or what impact they have on others.
their actions. This type of thinking generates a selfish attitude and
disdain for obligations to society.
Ownership. A thought pattern representing others as property
with which you can act as you see fit, and whose role is
to please you. In addition, people with personality disorders are prone to
objectification, that is, they see an object in those around them, and not independent individuals,
with dignity, rights and needs. This type
thinking generates a possessive attitude towards other people, the desire to declare
their rights to them and dehumanize (dehumanize) them.
Maximalism ("all or nothing"). The person with a personality disorder is prone to
reject everything at all if he cannot get what he wants in full. If he is not himself
the top of the pyramid, it feels like floundering at its base. If someone disagrees with
him on some point, he believes that his opinion is not appreciated at all. This type
thinking discourages moderation and a sense of balance and promotes
uncompromising.
Self-obsession. Person with personality disorder is so high
values ​​his personality, which ascribes to himself the right to whatever he wants. He doesn't think that
must somehow deserve what he wants, but, on the contrary, tends to believe that everyone is in debt
in front of him. This type of thinking contributes to the formation of arrogance, arrogance and
confidence that everyone around him is his debtor.
Shamelessness. The person with personality disorders has a deficiency of healthy
feelings of shame. He doesn't care how his behavior affects his reputation. He can
embarrassed if someone reveals the true essence of his character, but confusion from
being bitten by is by no means the same as feeling shame for a reprehensible
deed. Shamelessness feeds impudence.
Haste and lightheadedness. A person with personality disorders always
strives to get what you want as easy as possible. He hates to apply
efforts or commitments. Much more pleasure gives him
fool people. This type of thinking forms a dismissive attitude towards work and
other people's efforts.
Infallibility. The person with personality disorder does not think about
how right or wrong his behavior is - he just begins to act and
takes whatever he needs, no matter what social norms are violated. This type
thinking generates irresponsibility and antisocial behavior.

Aggressive personality and its subtypes

Personality theorist Theodore Millon examines aggressive personalities
as actively independent in terms of their interaction with others and the world in general.
He notes that such individuals actively take care of their
needs have been met, and strive not to be dependent on third-party
support. He also believes that there are two types of active-independent personality:
one can adjust her course of action sufficiently so that
exist in society; the other is incapable of following the requirements of the law. I do not
agree that aggressive is the most appropriate epithet to describe
style of interpersonal communication of each subtype of active-independent personality. Human
may well make it a rule to actively take care of yourself without really aggressive
manifestations. This is the case, for example, in the case of an assertive personality, which I believe
the healthiest of all. But I wholeheartedly support the idea that diversity
aggressive personalities are not limited to the circle of hardened criminals, and I think
very deplorable fact that in the official psychiatric nomenclature as
personalities with psychological disorders only a small subtype appears
active-independent personality - antisocial personality.
Unlike an assertive personality, an aggressive personality realizes its intentions in
interpersonal relationships with a certain degree of ruthlessness that exposes her
disdain for the rights and needs of others. Among the most
characteristic features of this personality: a predisposition to meet any life
challenges with an unyielding determination to “win”; irascible and intolerant character and
mentality; lack of ability to experience fear, weakness, reducing adaptability
braking mechanisms; persistent desire to occupy a dominant position;
extreme contempt and disdain for those perceived as
weak. This is a "fighter" to the core.
The aggressive personality has a fair amount of narcissistic traits - sometimes it
even considered as a kind of narcissistic personality. Aggressive personality
infamous for her self-confidence and self-centeredness. Her own desires
plans, intentions - the only thing that matters to her. Anything that interferes with her goals
gets out of the way at any cost.
Based on the characteristics of an active-independent personality given by Millon,
a number of studies of personality type "A" (aggressive), the results of the ongoing
study of some deeply aggressive personalities and the experience gained during
years of work with a wide variety of personality disorders, I find
it is advisable to distinguish five basic types of aggressive personality:
unlimited aggressive, directionally aggressive, sadistic, predatory
(psychopathic) and covertly aggressive. Although they have a lot in common, each of these types
has its own clearly distinguishable unique features. Some are more dangerous than
others, and some are more difficult to figure out. However, all aggressive personalities are essentially
make life difficult for those who work next to them, live with them or are under their
influence.
Unlimited aggressive personality openly hostile, often rude and violent, and
often behaves in a criminal manner. These are the people whose behavior we usually call
antisocial. They get angry easily, are not careful enough, do not
have fears that help to adapt to the situation, are impulsive, lead
themselves risky and extremely prone to gross violation of other people's rights. Many of them
spend a fair part of their life in places of deprivation of liberty, as they are simply unable to
obey the demands of society, even when it is in their own interests.
According to traditional beliefs, these people became like that because they grew up in
an environment that instilled in them a distrust of authorities and other people, and were
too traumatized by neglect and mistreatment to
learn to bond with other people. My many years of experience convinced me that only in
in some cases, the hostility of such overtly aggressive characters is indeed
fueled by an extreme degree of distrust on the part of others. Even fewer
number have an innate predisposition to alertness and suspicion (then
there are certain paranoid traits). My experience has shown that in most cases
unrestrained aggressiveness is explained not so much by mistrust and suspicion,
how much it is simply an increased readiness of the individual to express aggression even when it is
meaningless, unreasonable and generated simply by irritation. They show aggression
without hesitation and without regard to the consequences for themselves and everyone else. Moreover, in
biographies of most of them were neither neglected, nor mistreated, nor
unfavorable conditions. Moreover, some grew up in the most wonderful surroundings.
Thus, many of our traditional ideas about these individuals need
revision. One researcher noted that the only reliable factor seems to be
common to all the variety of "criminal personalities" with whom he happened to
collide - the pleasure they get from unlawful, illegal
action.
Directionally aggressive personality generally directs its open aggression towards
those areas where it is socially acceptable - business, sports, the army, security
law and order and jurisprudence. Rigidity, willfulness and competitiveness of such people
are often rewarded. They can talk openly about how to "bury" an opponent or
"Smash" the opponent. They usually do not cross the line that separates their behavior from
really antisocial, but one should not be surprised when it does happen.
The fact is that their social conformism is explained rather by practical
considerations rather than true adherence to principles or submission to higher
authorities. Therefore, they may well break the rules and cause unnecessary damage,
if they feel that it will be justified or get away with it.
Sadistically aggressive personality- another openly aggressive type. As well
all other aggressive personalities, they seek to gain power and subjugate
the rest. However, people of this type take particular pleasure in watching how they writhe
and their sacrifice creeps in distress. For other varieties
aggressive person causing pain or harm to anyone who gets in the way of what they
it is necessary - only the costs of the struggle. The target of most aggressive individuals is
win, not damage. In their understanding, if someone is hurt simply because
was under their feet - well, so be it. But the sadist enjoys
making people humiliate and suffer. Like other aggressive individuals, sadists want
control and subjugate, but unlike others, they get special pleasure if
while insulting and humiliating their victim.
Predatory aggressive type(sometimes called a psychopath or sociopath) -
the most dangerous of all aggressive individuals. Probably the most outstanding
an expert in this area is Robert Haer, whose book Deprived of Conscience. Frightening
the world of psychopaths "is very easy to read and very valuable, although
a chilling introduction to this area. Fortunately, psychopaths are relatively rare.
phenomenon. However, over the course of my career, I have come across a sufficient number of them.
They are radically different from the vast majority of people. From their shamelessness
hands down. They tend to think of themselves as superior beings for whom the rank and file
people are just legal prey. They are the most pronounced manipulators and inveterate
scammers who profit from the use and abuse of other people
trust. However, they can behave in a charming and disarming manner. Like skillful
predators, they carefully study all the vulnerable spots of their prey and are capable of the most
vile victimization without the slightest remorse or remorse. Fortunately,
most manipulators are not psychopaths.
Some features are common to different types aggressive personality. All of them
tend to seek power and subjugate others. They are all relative
insensitive to fear of punishment and the voice of conscience. In their worldview and way of thinking
reality is distorted in such a way as to justify their extremely aggressive
position and relieve the need to take on and be responsible for their
behavior. Their distorted, wrong thinking patterns in recent years
have repeatedly become the subject of research. Since different types
aggressive personality has so much in common, then one subtype often also exhibits some
traits of the other. So, a predominantly antisocial person can carry
some elements of sadism or latent aggression, and latent-aggressive - to show
certain antisocial tendencies, etc.
As mentioned above, all aggressive personalities have a lot in common with
narcissistic. Both types have inflated egos, and both are convinced that everyone around them owes them. Both
tend to exploit interpersonal relationships. Both are emotionally independent, then
they rely only on themselves in the matter of satisfying their needs. Millon describes
narcissists as a passively independent type of personality, since their preoccupation with themselves leads
them to the confidence that they simply do not need anyone around. They don't need
do anything to show their competence and excellence, as they and
so completely convinced of this. But if daffodils are so absorbed in themselves that they can
passively neglect the rights and needs of others, then aggressive individuals,
on the contrary, they are actively involved in activities designed to support their independence and
protect her from encroachments, and actively trample the rights of others in order to protect their
goals and maintain a dominant position.

Hidden aggressive personality

It can be expected that the latent-aggressive personality, being a subspecies of aggressive,
will also have some common features with daffodils. However, the latent-aggressive
personalities have many unique characteristics that make them distinct, distinctly
a distinguishable type of aggressive personality. From other types of aggressive personality, they
differ primarily in the way in which the fight is conducted. They fight for what they want and
achieve power over others, using the elusive, cunning, insidious
ways. On reflection, it is clear that they are much closer to individuals with
character disorders than neurotics. To the extent that they are inherent
neuroticism, they can be deceived about the true nature of their character and
own hidden aggressive behavior. The closer they are to individuals with
character disorders, the more actively they deceive only those whom they have chosen for themselves
a victim.
Unwillingness of hidden-aggressive individuals to show open aggression -
a pragmatic trait that allows them to save face. Manipulators know that explicit
aggression will meet resistance. Having learned that The best way overcome the obstacle -
get around it, they become masters of the struggle, which is waged by any means, but
secretly.
Some personality theorists consider it a key trait
hidden-aggressive or manipulative personalities that extraordinary pleasure, with
with which they fool their victims. But I'm convinced that their intentions are those
the same as for other aggressive personalities. They just want to win and realized that
clandestine fighting methods are best suited to their purposes. Here's what I count them
the most important qualities:
1. Hidden-aggressive individuals always strive to insist on their own or "win".
Any life situation for them, as well as for all other aggressive personalities, -
a challenge to face and a battle to be won.
2. Hidden aggressive individuals seek power over other people and seek
subjugate them to yourself. They always want to be one step ahead and in control. They
use a whole arsenal of subtle, but effective techniques to get and
maintain an advantage in interpersonal relationships. They resort to certain
tricks that force others to defend themselves, give in or give up, and
at the same time they mask their aggressive intentions.
3. Secretively aggressive individuals can be deceptively polite, charming and
attractive. They know how to present themselves in a favorable light and how to position
you to yourself, melting the ice of your resistance. They know what to say and do
so that you drop your intuitive distrust and give them what they want.
4. Hidden aggressive individuals can also be unprincipled, insidious and
vindictive fighters. They know how to benefit from any weakness you have and will strengthen
onslaught, barely noticing signs of indecision in your behavior. They know how to catch
take you by surprise and prevent you from preparing. And if they think you crossed their path or
tried to get the best of them, they will try to put you in your place and take revenge. For
their battle is not over until they have won.
5. Hidden-aggressive individuals are characterized by a deep deficit of conscience. Like everyone else
the rest of the aggressive personalities, they lack internal "brakes". They know that
good and bad, but do not allow this knowledge to get in the way of what you want. For them
the end always justifies the means. Thus, they deceive themselves and others.
about what they are actually doing.
6. Hidden-aggressive personalities are abused interpersonal relationships and
use them for their own purposes. They consider people to be pawns in a game (or, if you prefer, a battle)
life. Disgusting weakness per se, they benefit from every
lack of their "opponents".
As with any other types, psychopathology is expressed in latent-aggressive
personalities to varying degrees. For the most serious violations, the style of interpersonal
the interaction of hidden-aggressive individuals goes far beyond a simple
manipulativeness. Latent-aggressive individuals with severe disorders
character are able to hide a hefty charge of ruthlessness and lust for power under a mask
feigned politeness and even a certain charm. Some of them show
distinctly psychopathic traits. Jim Jones and
David Koresh. However, although the behavior of a latent-aggressive personality can be much

(Jim Jones - American preacher, founder religious organization"Temple of the Nations". In 1978
year convinced the residents of Johnstown (a village founded by members of the "Temple of the Nations") to make a massive
suicide. David Koresh is an American religious leader, leader of the Branch of David sect. Was caught
in sexual relations with minors, was accused of attempted murder, but was acquitted.
He died in 1993 during a siege by the FBI of the Mount Carmel estate, which belonged to members of the sect.)

richer than simple manipulation, real manipulators in the overwhelming majority
their are hidden-aggressive personalities.

Differences between a hidden-aggressive personality and a passive-aggressive personality and other types

Just as passivity and latent aggression are very different
behavioral styles, passive-aggressive and latent-aggressive personality is striking
differ from each other. Millon describes the personality of a passive-aggressive, or
negativistic, such as very ambivalent - oscillating between dependent and
independent style of behavior. People of this type want to manage their own
life, but are afraid that they will not have the ability to do it effectively. Their insecurity
and hesitation as to whether to take care of ourselves or rely on it
mainly on others, firmly associate them with those who are with them in
any relationship. They constantly want and beg others for support and care.
However, since the dependent and subordinate position annoys them, they often try to
taste personal power by resisting cooperation with the very people whose
they were looking for support. Unable to make a decision on their own, they can shift
him on your shoulders. When you accept it, they are in no hurry to follow it. In dispute with you
they may decide that they have had enough and wish to withdraw. But in fear, what is behind this
elimination can be followed by emotional rejection, they remain and sulk until those
until you start begging them to tell them what is wrong. Living with passive-aggressive
personality can be very difficult, because it often seems that it is impossible to please.
In his book How to Live with a Passive-Aggressive Person, Scott Wetzler is quite
describes well the passive-aggressive type and life next to him, although often not
sufficiently distinguishes between passivity and latent aggressiveness.
The treatment of passive-aggressive patients is legendary. These patients may whine and
complain about the lack of support from the therapist, but hardly the therapist tries to provide
her, immediately rears up and meet the therapist's proposals with objections like “yes,
but ... ”and other implicit forms of passive resistance. Most therapists with
easily distinguish such pronounced "ambivalent" characters, driven by
increased sensitivity to shame, from more cunning, calculating manipulators,
which I call covert-aggressive. However, sometimes therapists unfamiliar with more
exact terms, mistakenly use the concept of manipulators to describe
"Passive-aggressive", thus trying to more clearly identify the elusive
the aggressiveness inherent in these manipulators. Hidden aggressive personalities are not at all
the same as obsessive-compulsive. We've all faced perfectionists
pedants and highly organized people. We value these qualities very highly,
when they check our tax returns or do brain surgery on us. Yes,
some compulsive people can be assertive, bossy, overwhelming, and
controlling. But this happens because they have a hidden
aggressiveness. Apparent adherence to principles and standards can be used as
a mechanism that allows you to gain power and subjugate others.
Obsessive-compulsive individuals with latent aggression are people who
trying to push their standards down the throats of everyone else.
Subtly aggressive personalities are not identical to narcissistic personalities, although almost
always have narcissistic features. People who think too much of themselves do not
necessarily try to manipulate others. Narcissists can relate to needs
others with passive indifference, because they are absorbed in themselves. However, some
self-centered people demonstrate active disrespect for other people's needs and
deliberately mistreat other people, turning them into their victims. To
To reflect this, some authors distinguish between light and hard-core narcissism. However i
I believe that the difference between people who are so self-absorbed that they do not show
attention to the rights and needs of others, and people, systematically
exploiting and victimizing others, is that the latter, in addition to
narcissistic traits have a pronounced aggressiveness. Thus,
selfish people who skillfully manipulate and exploit others are not just narcissists, but
also hidden-aggressive personalities.
Most covertly aggressive individuals are not antisocial.
Since they are dismissive of other people's rights and needs, they have
lack of conscience, actively seek advantages over others and resort to
any methods, except perhaps for obvious violations of the law and blatant aggression,
it is tempting to call their behavior antisocial. Manipulation really comes in
into the arsenal of some antisocial individuals. However, manipulators do not violate
the most significant social norms, do not lead a criminal lifestyle and do not show
rough aggression towards others, although in principle they are capable of it. It was
several attempts have been made to accurately describe the inherent in manipulative people
calculating, cunning, controlling interpersonal style. To them
tried every label imaginable, from sociopaths to viciously narcissistic and even like
suggested by Scott Peck, "perverse" personalities. Based on their feelings from people with
elusive aggression in character, many call them passive-aggressive. However, neither
one of these labels does not reflect the essence of the manipulative personality. It is important to realize that
manipulation most often implies covert aggression, so skillful manipulators
- these are hidden aggressive personalities.
It should also be remembered that the manipulator, in addition to his latent aggressiveness
may have others personality traits... So, in addition to being manipulative, he can
have a certain amount of narcissism, obsessive compulsiveness,
antisocial and other inclinations. But, as one friend of mine remarked, “it doesn't matter if he’s gray
or brown, his ears are long or short, a lot of wool or little, - if he is large, with
tusks and with a trunk, then this is definitely an elephant. " If the person you are dealing with possesses
those key features that are described above, it does not matter what else he has - before
you are a hidden-aggressive personality.
Since predatory-aggressive and psychopathic personalities are masters
manipulation, there is a temptation to view the latent-aggressive personality as soft
variant of a psychopath. This point of view has a right to life. Psychopaths are the most dangerous
insidious and manipulative among aggressive individuals. Fortunately, they
are rather an exception. The same manipulative personalities that are described in this
book, are distributed to a much greater extent and, although they can also up to a certain
degree to sow chaos and devastation in the lives of their victims, yet not as dangerous as
psychopaths.

How a latent-aggressive personality is formed

An aggressive personality is formed in different ways. I have met individuals whose
childhood was so steeped in neglect and mistreatment that they were
are simply forced to become strong "fighters" in order to survive. But I have seen many
those who were too eager to fight throughout their lives, although they grew up in
a caring and supportive environment imaginable. Arises
the feeling that these people quite early derailed the process of their socialization and
that the formation of their character at all stages proceeded under the strong influence of their
excessive belligerence. However, regardless of what had a stronger
influence - nature or upbringing, - the majority of latent-aggressive personalities in children
the years have somehow missed some important lessons about managing their aggression and
focused too much on others. Judging by those life stories with whom I
I had a chance to get acquainted, hidden-aggressive personalities usually demonstrate the following
limitations:
1. They do not know how to understand when a fight is really necessary and
justified. For them, all everyday life is a battle, and everything that stands in the way of
desired - "enemy". Obsessed with "winning", they want to fight too much and
are in overly expressed combat readiness.
2. They never admitted the idea that "winning" in the long-term sense is often
implies a willingness to retreat, step aside, or obey in
short term. They are unable to recognize the moments when they should
give in. The categorical rejection of the very idea of ​​obedience does not allow them to go for those
small concessions that often lead to "victory" later.
3. They do not know how to fight in an honest and constructive manner. Maybe they
learned a lesson that now forces them to distrust their ability to win
fight in an honest way. Perhaps, in principle, they were never ready to undergo
risk of injury. Sometimes the reason is simpler: they discovered that the hidden struggle
more efficient. Be that as it may, they somehow learned to go to "victory" (according to
at least short-term) by secret and treacherous paths.
4. Because they hate to obey, they have prevented themselves from seeing that
admission of defeat can bring certain constructive benefits. I believe,
that all aggressive individuals (and individuals with personality disorders) have a clear underlying
failure to learn from past experience the lessons we would like to teach them,
lies the same mechanism. True assimilation (i.e. internalization) of life
the lesson always implies submission to some higher authority, force or moral
principle. Aggressive individuals do not change because they are unwilling to obey.
5. They do not know how to go beyond the limits of their childish selfishness and egocentricity.
They are not able to realize that only one desire to receive something can be
not enough to be eligible. For them, the whole world is their property.
Having learned to achieve their goal by manipulation, they begin to consider themselves invincible.
This inflates their already expanded self-esteem even more.
6. They have not learned to genuinely respect weak spots other people and empathize with them.
Any vulnerability of another person to them is just their own advantage.
Despising other people's weaknesses (especially emotional), they hone their skills beyond measure
find and use the emotional "leverage" of their victims.

Fertile ground for hidden aggression

Certain professions, fields of activity and social institutions
provide hidden aggressive individuals with an excellent opportunity to exploit others
people for their own purposes. Politics, law enforcement, religion - here are some bright
examples. I do not mean to say that any politician, police officer or religious
the doer is necessarily a manipulative person. However, manipulators, being
secret power-hungry, cannot resist that brilliant opportunity
assert themselves and exercise considerable power under the guise of enforcing
the debt that these areas open up to them. Televangelists, cult leaders,
political extremists, sellers of "success" on Sunday night air and militant
public activists, exposing articles about which later fell on the first
newspaper strips, from the point of view of the mode of action, did not fundamentally differ from those
hidden-aggressive personalities that we encounter in everyday life. This
only pronounced extreme cases... The more insidious and skillful
a latent-aggressive person uses manipulation techniques, the easier it is for her to take
powerful position with broad powers.

How to recognize and deal with a manipulator

It is easy to become a victim of the subtle tricks of the hidden-aggressive personality. If you
If you want to avoid victimization, you should do the following.
1. Get to know the nature of these wolves in sheep's clothing. Understand what
they want and how they act. Study them closely enough to immediately recognize any of them.
at the meeting. The stories in the following chapters of the book are written to help you
feel the spirit of hidden aggressive behavior.
2. Familiarize yourself with the favorite techniques of latent-aggressive people who
allow them to manipulate and control those around them. You need to compose a clear
an idea not only of what latent-aggressive personalities are like, but also of how
they can behave. In general, you can expect from them any steps leading to
"Victory", but learn the most common techniques and learn to notice them
application is the best way to avoid victimization.
3. Explore common fears and weaknesses that make you especially vulnerable.
before the tricks of hidden-aggressive personalities. Knowing your vulnerabilities is perhaps yours
the most powerful tool to effectively resist the manipulator.
4. Find out what you can change about your own behavior to become less
vulnerable to victimization and attempts by the manipulator to use you for their own purposes.
Using techniques like those presented in Chapter 10 can radically change
the nature of your communication with other people and will enable you to be more productive
interact with those who would otherwise try to manipulate and control
you.
The stories presented in the next few chapters are more closely
to acquaint you with the nature of manipulative people. In each chapter to the fore
removed one of distinctive features hidden aggressive personality. In all these stories
I tried to clearly show the main intentions of the manipulator, the techniques that he
used to implement these intentions, and the weaknesses of the victim, which he
enjoyed.

PHOTO Getty Images

Somewhere in the locker room of a fitness club you can easily hear: "You see, I was not lucky, he turned out to be a passive aggressor ..." This expression is often used without having an exact idea of ​​what is hidden behind him. The term itself was coined during World War II by an American military psychiatrist, Colonel William Menninger. He noticed that some soldiers refuse to obey orders: by not rebelling against them openly, they are wasting time, grumbling, acting ineffectively, that is, engaging in passive sabotage.

Subsequently passive-aggressive personality disorder were included in the famous DSM, Diagnostic and Statistical Directory of Mental Disorders, compiled by the influential American Psychiatric Association. And then removed from it in 1994, when the fourth edition was published: their clinical description seemed to the compilers not clear enough.

In our era of narcissism, the number of addictions, depression, passive-aggressive disorders has increased

Although the term was deleted from the psychiatric classification, it did not disappear, but gradually penetrated into everyday speech. Many experts also continue to use it and even believe that there are more and more individuals of this type. “During Freud’s time, sexual repression contributed to the emergence of hysteria or obsession, - specifies psychoanalyst Marie-José Lacroix. "In our era, with its narcissism and uncertainty about the future, we are seeing an increase in the number of addictions, depression, and borderline and passive-aggressive disorders."

Disguised resistance

This is not to say that passive-aggressive behavior is characteristic of any one type of personality. We all tend to behave this way at certain times in our lives, psychologists Christophe André and François Lelord point out. For example, in adolescence or in adverse circumstances. We can “slow down” and “blunt” when we disagree with others, but for fear of punishment we do not dare to openly show disobedience. This behavior disappears when we find other ways to defend ourselves and survive.

But there are those among us for whom disguised insubordination becomes the only way communicate.“It is difficult for them to enter into confrontation openly, since open aggression, self-defense, does not fit into the image of the“ right ”person, which they think of themselves as,” notes psychiatrist and psychotherapist Grigory Gorshunin. “Therefore, they resort to sabotage in all areas - in love, social life, at work, among friends ... This makes communication with them very unpleasant.” "Their passivity when faced with life's difficulties greatly complicates the relationship," confirms Marie-José Lacroix. Added to inertia is the suppressed anger that others feel and which ultimately becomes unbearable.

We all tend to behave passively-aggressively at certain times in our lives.

“When Maria went to work, we were delighted. She looked soft, warm, humble, always ready to help. Her responsibilities included planning meetings, distributing mail, making appointments. Everything went well in the beginning. In a face-to-face conversation, Maria answered “yes” to all directions. But as soon as the interlocutor turned his back to her, she eloquently rolled her eyes. When she was asked for something, she acted deliberately slowly, complained about any reason, scolded all our leaders. I tried to listen to her and calm her down - in vain. She was eventually fired.

She went to court, tried to pass herself off as a victim asked several employees to write false testimonies. We all refused. Her departure was terrible. She shed tears, letting us know that we are all villains. She confided in me and explained that she was cursed, that her whole life was "ruined" " bad people"And that no one ever protects her from the injustices of which she always falls victim." In telling this story, Lyudmila, an accountant at a company that organizes events, feels vaguely guilty, but she concludes: “Although it's horrible to say that, I was relieved when Maria left. When communicating with her, I had the impression that I can say and do anything, but it will not change anything. "

Can you protect yourself?

Psychiatrist and psychotherapist Grigory Gorshunin explains how not to become a victim of a passive-aggressive personality.

At work

What to do: A passive-aggressive boss can only be tolerated if you don't need any encouragement at all. If the tasks are not clearly set and if, whatever you do, you are always dissatisfied with it, then the best solution will go away: at least a minimum of recognition is necessary for everyone. If this is just an employee, then you need to focus on yourself, not let him pollute your space with his dissatisfaction.
What not to do: Don't be sucked into the triangle. Do not try to save him or attack when he complains. Don't act like a victim because he is always unhappy and never positive. This will not help you, and you run the risk of falling into a vicious circle.

In private life

What to do: Calm him down. The passive aggressor suffers from self-doubt. Ask his opinion so that he does not feel that he is a victim of your authoritarianism. Encourage him to express himself freely so that he does not indulge in gloomy thoughts in his corner.
What not to do: Don't let someone who thinks they have the right to throw their anger and frustration in the face of others makes you a victim. Don't pretend not to notice; his anger will multiply tenfold. Do not scold him as a parent would - this is what triggers his behavior. Demand respect in yourself.

Chronic dissatisfaction

Passive-aggressive individuals are always unhappy because they cannot define their desires. “Due to the lack of adequate protection, it is difficult for them to understand their true needs,” explains Grigory Gorshunin. - Their inherent chronic sabotage of work, and often own life, resembles the reaction of an offended child who refuses to talk, or self-punishment according to the principle "took revenge on the conductor: bought a ticket, went on foot."

Passive aggression can be seen as a form of psychological masochism, often with a hysterical tinge. Then it is replaced by violent sadistic acting out ("you yourself are all bad") or bodily reactions, going into illness. "

When dealing with passive-aggressive people, you should not get personal and try to make them feel guilty.

When dealing with passive-aggressive people, you should not get personal and try to make them feel guilty because they will turn any words against the "offender." Those who are near will have to avoid the trap they set at all costs. “This trap is the victim-pursuer-rescuer triangle described by psychologist Stephen Karpman,” warns Grigory Gorshunin. - If in a relationship someone takes on one of these three roles, the other, in most cases, begins to play one of the remaining two. Our task is to realize this so as not to enter a game where there are no winners. "

Martyrdom and Torment

Passive aggressors like to be seen as martyrs and they consider themselves so. “They fail to take responsibility for what happens to them, for their failures,” explains Marie-José Lacroix. "And in their lives, scenarios of rather severe masochistic failures often follow one after another."

At the same time, they easily turn into persecutors, exhausting others, complaining, directing unspoken reproaches to them. They can take pleasure in the suffering they cause. Their seeming passivity and inertia, full concentration on themselves hide aggression, which sometimes breaks out in an uncontrollable way. This happens when they find themselves in a situation that they perceive as stressful, although it may seem completely mundane to others. Then they turn to infantile behavior and can suddenly start shouting at others for no reason, not paying attention to the destruction that is sowing around.

They are deprived of a "mental container" that would help them regulate their behavior

“Passive aggression often becomes the result of education, when a child is taught to depend on a figure that enjoys unquestionable authority and power, explains Marie-José Lacroix. "Some form of masochism could arise when a child failed to show his needs, to show independence, to discover who he (or she) is, because he was opposed by an oppressive perfectionist parent ..."

Passive-aggressive individuals lack, according to the psychoanalyst, a "mental container". It is built with early childhood with the help of the mother's words. For example, when a child cries, thinking that she is dying of hunger, the mother speaks to him and calms him down. She helps him to endure his destructive impulses and anxiety associated with the fear of death, and allows him to build himself, to restrain emotions that are unbearable for him. “She gives the child some kind of shell that protects him from external environment potentially aggressive and anxiety-provoking.

Typically, such a container allows us to regulate our behavior. But some are deprived of it. They have this shell as if broken, ”continues the psychoanalyst. This is what happens to passive aggressors: deep down, they silently shout: "I want to be heard, I want to live without suppressing my anger!" This thirst remains unsatisfied because they fail to hear the voice of their soul.

1 In the book "How to deal with difficult people" (Generation, 2007).