How to get out of depression after the death of a mother? How to survive the death of a mother: practical advice and the opinion of psychologists

This article will tell you how to pull yourself together and survive death. loved one.

At the very beginning, I would like to say that in our modern society a healthy and adequate attitude towards the death of a person has not been developed. Perhaps they talk about her if she died old man. There is a death that happens to people of middle age, they talk about it less often and more quietly. And, of course, when grief has caught a small child, they are often silent about it. What is it connected with?

First, every person has a fear about his own death. The phenomenon is uncontrollable, causing a lot of feelings, anxiety and worries. Therefore, sometimes it is easier for a person to close from the topic of death than to think or talk about it. Magical thinking can work here: if I do not come into contact with this, this will not happen to me or to my loved ones.

Secondly, in our culture there is no specific mechanism for how to behave if someone close to us has died. There are funerals, commemorations, memorial days. On them people cry, eat and drink. And often we are faced with the problem when we do not know what to say or how to behave in the event of a tragedy with our acquaintances. Usually the phrase is: "Please accept our condolences."

Thirdly, it is not always clear to those in whose family grief happened how to behave with people. Whether to talk about your trouble, to whom to report? People can choose two lines of behavior. One of them is to close, withdraw into yourself, experience grief alone. The second is to ignore feelings and transfer everything to the level of intellect: here there may be explanations that the deceased is now in the other world, that he is well, that everything happened for a reason.

Sometimes it happens that a person can handle grief and"stuck" in German This is called "complicated loss symptom" and they come in several forms:

1. Chronic grief. A person cannot accept that a loved one is no more. Even years later, the reaction to memories is very acute. Let's say a woman cannot get married again if she lost her husband even more than a few years ago, his photo is everywhere. Man does not go out real life lives on memories.
2. Exaggerated grief. In this situation, a person can increase the feeling of guilt, exaggerate it. This can happen with the loss of a child: a woman strongly blames herself, respectively, emotionally strongly attached to death.
3. Masked or suppressed grief. A person does not show his experiences, he does not feel them. Usually such suppression results in psychosomatic illnesses, including headaches.
4. Unexpected grief. As they say, when nothing foreshadowed trouble. The sudden death of a loved one provokes the impossibility of acceptance, exacerbates self-accusations, and aggravates depression.
5. Delayed grief. A person seems to be postponing for a while the passage through the stages of loss, turning off or blocking his feelings. This does not mean that he coped with the situation.
6. Absent grief. The person denies the loss, is in a state of shock.

In fact, psychologists have long described the healthy stages of experiencing loss or acute grief. For each person, their duration and intensity is individual. Someone can get stuck in one of the stages or go in circles. But in any case, knowing the stages of experiencing grief, you can help yourself to really mourn for a person whom you will never see again. There are two classifications in describing what happens to a person who has experienced a loss. I suggest considering both.

First classification

1. Denial. It is difficult for a person to believe what happened. He seems to be in denial about what happened. Usually the stage is accompanied by such phrases: “This cannot be”, “I do not believe”, “He is still breathing”. A person can try to feel the pulse himself, it seems to him that doctors can be mistaken. And even if he has already seen the deceased, there may be a feeling inside as if death did not happen.

What to do: there used to be a good tradition when a deceased person was at home for 3 days - this helped to realize what had happened. Now those who say goodbye approach the coffin, kiss the deceased on the forehead - this is a very important action. So a person feels that a really close one has died. You can put your hand on your forehead, on your body, feel and feel the cold. If you did not see the body of the deceased, did not see the funeral, then the stage of denial may be delayed. You will understand that a person has died, but at the level of feelings there is a feeling that he is alive. Therefore, it is more difficult to accept death when a loved one is missing or there was no funeral.

2. Anger. The person becomes aggressive. And here it all depends on the causes of death. He can blame doctors, God, fate, circumstances. And also yourself, that, for example, did something wrong. Can accuse the deceased himself that he was not careful or did not follow his health. Anger may be directed at other relatives. There are such phrases here: “I can’t accept this!”, “It’s unfair!”

What to do: It is important to understand that anger is a normal reaction. The basic emotion that is associated with loss. It's important to respond. Get angry, discuss your anger, write it down on paper. Share feelings and actions. Yes, you have the right to be angry, now it hurts a lot, the process of experiencing the loss goes through its natural stages. All people go through them.

3. Bidding. At this stage, it seems to a person that he could change something in the current situation. It looks something like this: "If I devoted more time to my mother, she could live longer." In the case of the loss of a loved one, a person goes into his fantasies and tries to seem to agree with God or fate.

What to do: let your mind play through these scenarios for a bit. It is still very difficult for our psyche to accept changes, it is difficult to realize that a dear person will never be there again. The main thing is to stop in time, not to go into a sect. Remember the soldier resurrection scams?

4. Depression. Usually here a person feels unhappy, says: "Everything is meaningless." Depression can be expressed in different form. It is very important to take care of yourself and seek help in a timely manner. People complain about Bad mood, depressed state, lack of energy. Because change is inevitable. We will have to build our lives in a new way. The man realized what had happened, got angry, tried to bargain. Now he understands that really nothing can be changed.

What to do: neither in in which case you can not be left alone, be sure to invite to friends, relatives, ask them to take care, let them stay in yourself, cry enough, worry. This is fine. The time is really important now.

5. Acceptance. When a person has really gone through all the previous stages, there is now a chance that he will accept death. Come to terms with what happened, agree and begin to build your life in a new way. Of course, he will remember a loved one, cry, be sad, miss, but with less intensity.

What to do: be grateful to yourself for having found the strength to honestly endure grief. Death is an inevitability that we face sooner or later. Yes, we will miss a loved one, but now we look at the situation with adult eyes. It is important to note that the first 4 stages do not guarantee a transition to the acceptance and integration of experience. A person can walk in circles or return to one or another stage. Only the stage of acceptance indicates that grief has been experienced.

Second classification

Surely you know that usually a person is buried on the third day after death. Then they gather on the 9th, 40th day, half a year and a year. Such dates were not chosen by chance, it is precisely such time frames that make it possible to gradually come to an acceptance of the situation.

9 days. Usually a person is not can understand to the end of what happened. Tactics here, most often, two. Either leaving for themselves, or excessive activity in funeral preparations. The most important thing in this period is really to say goodbye to deceased. Cry, cry, talk to other people.

40 days. At this stage, a grieving person still cannot accept what happened, cries, he dreams of the deceased.

Six months. Gradually there is a process of acceptance. Grief seems to “roll over”, and this is normal.

Year. There is a gradual acceptance of the situation.

How to help yourself cope with the loss of a loved one

1. Cry out. It doesn't matter if you are a woman or a man. Having a good cry and doing it regularly, as long as there is such a need, is very important. For feelings to find an outlet. If there is no desire to cry, you can watch a sad movie, listen to sad music.
2. Talk to someone. Discuss your grief as much as necessary. Let you tell the same thing to the tenth acquaintance - it doesn’t matter, this is how you process the situation.
3. Get on with your life. It is very important to give yourself the opportunity to grieve, but do not disconnect from life - very gradually, day by day. Clean the table, cook the soup, go out for a walk, pay the bills. It's grounding and helps you stay on your feet.
4. Follow the routine. When you have regular activities, it also helps your mind to be more calm.
5. Write letters to the dead. If you have feelings of guilt or other strong feelings for the deceased, write him a letter. You can drop it without an address in the mailbox, take it to the grave or burn it, as you like. It can be read to someone. It is important to remember that the person died and you stayed, take care of your feelings.
6. Contact a specialist. Of course, there are situations when it is difficult to survive the situation on your own and even with the help of loved ones, and a specialist will help you. Do not be afraid to consult a psychologist.
7. Take care of yourself. Life goes on. Indulge in simple pleasures.
8. Set goals. It is important for you to understand the connection with the future, so take care of planning. Set goals for the future and start realizing them.

What to say to children?

It is very important not to lie to the child. The child has the right to know about the death of a loved one. Psychologists here disagree on whether to take the child with you to the funeral. Some children may have a negative perception of the process of digging into the ground. Therefore, it is important that there is an emotionally stable person next to the children. If a child's mother or father dies, there must be a farewell procedure.

It is important not to tell the child about the mother who looks from the clouds. This can add anxiety to what is happening. Help your child cry out the pain, get over the situation. Each case is unique, so it is best to contact a child psychologist who will help in experiencing the trauma.

The loss of the closest person in the world is one of the most powerful shocks in anyone's life. It almost always happens unexpectedly and is experienced hard at any age. Sufficient attention should be paid to experiencing the stages of grief, comprehend what happened, survive and come to terms with the loss. Communication with close people, relatives and friends helps to quickly recover and find answers to the remaining questions, get rid of guilt.

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How to deal with the death of a mother

Such a strong emotional shock, like the loss of a mother, happens to almost everyone. This pain eventually develops into a feeling of light sadness.

• Do not engage in self-deception. It is impossible to quickly cope with the loss, because life circumstances have changed. Pretending that everything is fine is wrong, it will be self-deception that distorts reality.
• Give yourself time. Everyone experiences the death of a mother in different ways: depending on the existing relationship with the mother, the circumstances of death, and their own system of values. You should give yourself time for mourning, longing and the opportunity to emotionally let go of the person and come to terms with the loss.
• You need to adapt and reconsider your lifestyle, change some areas of life. It is better to gradually return to your favorite activities, do not withdraw into yourself.
• Time that was previously spent with mom should be filled with other activities: hobbies, communication with friends or family. This will not work out right away, at first the feeling of emptiness and loss will haunt you everywhere.
• Remember all the good things that connected with your mother. The process of experiencing pain and loss is easier to survive if you collect a bright memory of dear person: remember the good good times spent together, find memorabilia, chat with mom's family and friends. Ask loved ones questions that remain unanswered. The feeling of understatement, resentment and misunderstanding should disappear, then it is easier to calm down.
• You should get enough sleep and maintain the proper state of your health. Funerals, inheritance cases, communication and consolation of relatives are very exhausting. Also, you can not give up on yourself and forget about appearance because hygiene and healthy eating It is a guarantee of health and strength. It is worth remembering that alcohol is not an assistant in personal affairs, it only aggravates the situation.
• Seek help from loved ones. In situations where there is no way to cope with emotions, it is worth calling for help close people who will support and always help.

Against the background of experiences and outbursts of emotions, it is possible cardinal changes in life: change of job, place of residence, divorce, etc. In the future, you should analyze the situation and understand whether these changes are necessary or not. Not worth it due to death native person radically and thoughtlessly change life, because this can only aggravate the situation.

When a loved one dies, especially parents, mother, grief seems unbearable, a person simply goes into shock. My first thought is that it can't be! How so? What's next? Even if the mother was ill for a long time and the death was a foregone conclusion, doubts about the reality of what is happening do not disappear immediately. It is necessary to get used to the idea that a loved one, such an important and only person in life is no longer around. Sorrow appears, and it is replaced by the thought of your guilt before the dead, that you behaved in a wrong way, were not there when you were dying, did not pay enough attention, could not help, etc. According to psychologists, grief goes through 7 stages, after which a person who has lost his parents comes to his senses and begins to live on. ?

Mourning, grief, depression after the death of a mother is a natural reaction normal person. After all, all the best that a person has was connected with mom, her love always protected and protected you. Without a mother, a person feels orphaned. But if the state of grief drags on, disrupting the whole way of life, destroying the person himself, then we are talking about depression.

Grief after the death of a loved one, according to psychologists, goes through several stages:

1. Negation.
2. Depression.
3. Acceptance of what happened.
4. Renaissance.
5. Creation of a new life.

Denial and anger

Stage 1 is based on fear, a person is afraid of what happened, does not know what and how will happen next, sometimes people can fall into a stupor, become inadequate. They deny death, do not believe in what happened. Distract them at this moment, force them to take up the procedure of the funeral, commemoration, do not give them the opportunity to withdraw into themselves, do not leave them alone, talk to them. There is no need to reassure and comfort, they still do not perceive you, it will not help them. A person at home comes across the things of the deceased, can hear her voice, see her in a dream, in the crowd - this is a normal reaction to grief, this should not be frightened.

This stage ends with the realization of the death of a loved one, after which comes the next, stage 2 - anger and resentment: everything that happened is unfair, a feeling of hatred is projected onto the whole world. Why did this happen, why? Why with her, with her mother? Envy: why are others alive and going to work, down the street, as if nothing had happened? It is not right! Emotions can be like a storm, depending on how often and with what force a person splashes them out.

Feelings of guilt and depression

Stage 3 - a feeling of guilt: moments of communication are remembered, and there is always the thought that they were not attentive enough, why at the time of death they were not there, did not hold hands, did not say goodbye, did little to help not die. For some, this feeling of guilt remains for life, even when everything has passed, but this, apparently, depends on the subtlety of a person’s nature.

The next stage is depression: a person gives up, he no longer has the strength to hide his emotions, he is energetically exhausted, very sad, does not believe that he can be reborn, avoids sympathy, does not give an exit negative thoughts and it makes him even more unhappy; feelings of emptiness may be strongly expressed. Then comes acceptance of what happened, and with acceptance, relief and lessening of pain: a person comes to terms with what happened. Anger and depression begin to let go, weaken, a person feels that he is able to pull himself together and start new life, albeit without a mother. In order for a person to get out of a situation, he needs help.

rebirth

After the death of a mother or another loved one, in any case, the next stage begins - rebirth: an understanding of the need to accept new conditions comes, the survivor of the loss withdraws into himself, becomes silent, uncommunicative, all the time as if analyzing something. This period is perhaps the longest, it can last up to several years.

At the last, 7th stage, a person changes, all stages of grief are passed, life has become different, it has reached a new level. Many seek to find new friends, supporters, change the situation. Some move to another city, change jobs so that nothing returns to the past. A person understands that life goes on, he begins to realize that death was a liberation for his mother, and then he already worries not about herself, but about the fact that she is not with him.

But it does not always go through 7 stages, sometimes a person remains at the stage of depression, fixed on his tragedy. Apathy becomes a sign of depression after a loss: everything is drawn in black, interest in life disappears, a person does not return from the past, he remembers the departed, communicates with him in his thoughts, there may be sleep disturbances or insomnia, mechanical absorption of food or refusal of it, longing , anxiety, a sense of hopelessness, a desire to die. If there are at least 3 of these symptoms and it has been going on for more than 3-6 months, depression is diagnosed. Depression after death is stronger when a person has witnessed the sudden death of a loved one.

Depression no longer goes away with the usual weeping of tears, a person may not remember the reasons for his condition, so everything becomes hopeless for him. In a normal situation, when a person is still in grief, he can allow moments of joy, but in depression this is not the case, longing and despair are constant. With depression, there is a constant feeling of guilt, thinking and motor skills are inhibited, speech is slowed down, there may be hallucinations, apathy, indifference to the environment, even to the dirt in the house, inactivity, constipation develops. Often added tearfulness, expectation of problems and troubles.

In such cases, they turn to a psychologist and a psychiatrist. Psychotherapy is often effective and helps to get out of the situation after the death of loved ones. How can a psychotherapist help you? To be there at moments of experience, to help go through all the stages, to restore strength after loss, to save mental health and prevent the consequences of grief.

According to psychologists, the restoration of the psyche, when the memories are no longer sharply painful, occurs after 9 months. Until then, you must not be alone. Be surrounded by relatives, people close to you, with whom you can remember, be sad together. It is not for nothing that they say that grief shared is grief halved. Engage in holding funerals, commemorations, home decoration, inheritance - this will distract you. If it is very difficult, do not forbid yourself to cry, grieve, tears cleanse. Change the environment, go on vacation or, conversely, immerse yourself in work. Do not resort to alcohol or sedatives - the recovery of the psyche is disturbed.

Remove mom's things from sight so as not to upset yourself, visit the grave, do not restrain yourself if unbearable. Do not be shy about your grief and its manifestations, in such a state a person is helpless and resembles a child. You need to listen to people, let them talk, tell about their pain. A diary helps many in these cases, write down all your experiences in it, reread and analyze what was written. Don't cultivate guilt.

Another way is to write a letter to your mother, she will take over all the unfinished letter, you need it, not her. It will not be funny that there is nowhere to send it, then you can just burn it.

There is another method: using two cans. Make a lot of multi-colored pieces of paper, and when you remember something good about a departed person, write literally 2 words on a piece of paper, roll it into a ball and throw it into a “good” jar. It's the same with the "bad" - a jar of insults. When your "good" jar fills up is up to you. Put it in a prominent place for yourself, and all the good things will now be before your eyes. And with a “bad” jar, the day will come when insults will not be remembered, then burn the balls in it, and you will be free.

Find a new hobby, do common work around the house, do not do anything that would remind you of the loss. Force yourself to move, communicate, go out into nature, participate in pleasant activities. Master the technique of deep breathing, relaxation, meditate, start doing gymnastics in the morning, walk, sleep 7-9 hours a day. This will help you cope with the pain of the death of loved ones and move on. Don't let grief turn into depression.

Memories soften the blow. Change your thinking, because any problem can be reformulated with a plus sign. Mom died of cancer - she was freed from pain, she received peace, she does not suffer anymore. It is impossible for anyone to radically change life after a loss, but it is possible to gradually recover and recover. To live in the present, you need to make an effort, ask for help - this is natural. If they turn to you, take the time to listen to a person in grief, support him. Be patient with yourself and others, experiences last longer than people realize.

Think about your usual daily routine, go shopping, start doing household chores. Don't put yourself in front challenging tasks, postpone their implementation until better times. Every person lives inside Small child, and you must definitely talk to him, like an adult with a baby, and convince him that you are not to blame for the death of your mother. And no one is to blame. Persuade him until a sense of relief comes, until the feeling of guilt recedes, the mind and soul do not calm down.

Anyone who has left always has unfinished business, take care of them, settle everything - this will also give you strength. Do not close within 4 walls, you need to go out to people. Sorrow, renunciation of reality is not a way out, not an indicator of the power of love, but a manifestation of selfishness. Let you be interested in the life of those living nearby.

Treatment

Sometimes there is a need for the help of doctors - do not hesitate to contact them, in such cases, treatment is carried out in a hospital, under the supervision of medical staff.

Of the drugs used by various methods, one can name antidepressants, tranquilizers, and sometimes antipsychotics. Physiotherapy, vitamin therapy, nootropics, the correct daily routine, the help of a psychologist - all this helps to get out of depression completely and without relapses, because we are talking about reactive etiology.

All of us go through losses. At such moments, it is important not to let yourself sink into the abyss of despair, to find the strength to survive. It turns out that time really heals and opens up new colors of the world. After all, spring always comes after winter, whether we like it or not. With memories of your mother, let there be only bright sadness and gratitude that she was with you. The departed are always invisibly present as long as people remember them.

You cannot live in the past if you want to take only the good from the past, think more about others and very little about yourself, and then there will be no getting stuck in grief. Surviving grief does not mean forgetting about it, but learning to fully live after the loss.

Instruction

The loss of dear and beloved people is a powerful psychological blow, after which a person comes to his senses for a long time. There are no recipes that can erase the memories of the deceased and heal the emotional experiences of his loved ones in one day. No matter how psychologically stable and morally strong the person who buried his loved one is, others should not expect the impossible from him. Sorrow the next day will not turn into happiness and joy. It takes a long time, during which a person must survive the injury.

This difficult period will be characterized by complete apathy and detachment to everything that happens, a person is immersed in his experiences and memories. A feeling of unreality of the events taking place around is created, appetite is lost, inhibition of reactions occurs, worsens physical health mourner.

The danger of such psychological shocks is that long-term experiences of a person lead to mental disorders. On his own, he does not always manage to cope with feelings and emotions in connection with an irretrievable loss. Therefore, people experiencing the grief of loss need psychological help and the appointment of special sedatives. Contacting a specialist in this case will help to get out of depression.

In some cases, a person independently determines the optimal means of getting out of a depressive state associated with the death of a loved one. Some are helped by a change of scenery and a vacation, while others, on the contrary, are saved by immersion in work and affairs. The support and understanding of loved ones is very important.

People who are experiencing the death of a loved one also find solace in prayers for the deceased and faith in God. In this case, Orthodox Christianity recommends ordering the Sorokoust Church for the repose of the soul of the deceased, a panikhida and transferring church records. It is also believed that the reading of the Psalter for the dead by the relatives of the deceased person, in particular 17 kathismas, benefits the soul of the deceased. It is believed that death is the release of the eternal from physical body and her transition to the Kingdom of Heaven. So, the departure of a person from earthly life is the beginning of the path of his immortal soul to God.

The realization that a person's life has a hidden Divine meaning helps to accept the fact of loss. Each person has his own path on earth, his tasks and goals. You need to find the strength in yourself to come to terms with what happened. Maybe, given period- this is a time for reassessment of values, development of spiritual qualities, rethinking of the goals and objectives of a person.

The death of a loved one teaches us to love and take care of loved ones, to appreciate the unpredictable life, to be bolder and happier, to enjoy every moment. Death is the end earthly path inevitable for every person. It is important to accept what happened, return to normal life and keep a bright memory of the deceased person.