Relationship with an ex-boyfriend. What about with an ex-girlfriend? Former love: advice from a psychologist
Relationship with ex-girlfriend
Bring back the girl
Relationship with an ex-girlfriend
With the exception of a few "lucky ones" who manage to find a girl the first time and fall into the trap of her charm, every man has ladies of the days that have already passed us. And we, of course, are talking about ex-girlfriends with whom the relationship ended due to some serious or trifling problems. And although the relationship with them has already passed, many men still want to mess around a bit and play with their past. And it is not for us to judge such male desires.
In this article, we will look at the issues of relationships with ex-girlfriends, when you just need to defeat the desire to take revenge on this girl, and also consider the situation when you still want to return the relationship with her. Unlike other sources, we will not taboo such topics.
How to forget an ex-girlfriend
Unfortunately or fortunately, but the human memory is arranged in such a way that after a certain period of time we all begin to forget the bad, and only warm and positive memories remain in our memory. Surprisingly, even prisoners from the toughest places end up with only warm nostalgic memories of places not so remote.
Naturally, if people manage to change their attitude towards such horror, then changing their attitude towards an ex-girlfriend will also not be difficult. The question is only two key things: time and replacement.
Time. Any parting of a couple requires a certain time to restore spiritual and physical strength each of the participants. As a rule, at first, men feel happier and stronger, but later they are overtaken by experiences, and real depression sets in after about 3-4 weeks. For girls, everything happens the other way around, they can worry a lot for the first 2-3 weeks, and then it becomes easier and freer for them every day.
A man needs about 2-3 months to heal his heart, and warm memories of an ex-girlfriend appear no earlier than six months.
Replacement. The loss of a girl is big hole in the heart of any man, and she will whine until the man finds something to fill her with. As a rule, either another girl, or some kind of work or hobby becomes such fillers. And only when this replacement appears in a man, he begins to relate to the loss of an ex-girlfriend more easily and freely.
How to deal with an ex girlfriend
Once all the worries associated with the ex-girlfriend are gone, you again get the opportunity to enjoy every day. And then you can already choose a policy for your ex. There can be many such options, but almost all guys choose one of three:
Ignoring. When one life ends, another begins. And if so, then no. more space in the heart for the past. So thinks the majority of guys who broke up with a girl for a reason related to some of her shortcomings: treason, alcohol, betrayal, lack of feelings, and so on. Guys just stop noticing this girl, and all communication comes down to the absence of this communication. In the future, there is another girl, and the guy again enjoys his life.
Friendly fleeting communication. This is communication when a guy and a girl sometimes see each other (for example, at work or on the street) and just chat with each other a little on free themes without any aggression. Such behavior is possible several years after the “ignoring”, or when the reasons for the separation were mutual.
The use of a girl. If the breakup was more of a guy’s initiative, or after the breakup, the girl went through a series of unsuccessful relationships, then she may have a desire to somehow restore her connection with you. Therefore, she herself can make contact and bring some kind of romantic base, and a guy can easily get sex from a girl. Moreover, sex does not imply a relationship, it is subsumed under the base of "remembering the past", without any obligation on your part. It's comfortable!
Beware: you are my friend! There is also this behavior with a girl, when a girl sits on top of her ex and squeezes the favor out of him, without any return on her part. All these girls are called friendship, and assignments are called a small request. If you are faced with such a situation, then switch your behavior to ignoring or fleeting communication. You won’t have sex anyway, but you won’t waste your energy on a girl you don’t need.
How to get back in touch with an ex
It should be borne in mind that an ex-girlfriend is a girl who met with you at least six months ago. Those. if you want to get back in touch with a girl who recently broke up with you, our other article will suit you.
Resuming a relationship has a strict procedure to follow:
Solution to the problem. If you broke up with this girl because of some problem, then it would be foolish to try to restore the relationship, leaving this problem in limbo. There is a huge chance that she will again interfere with the two of you. Therefore, we first solve the problem that caused the separation in the past. If the problem is cheating on a girl, then the problem cannot be solved, which means that you do not need to return the relationship!
Resumption of communication. Next, you will need to gradually begin your communication with your ex-girlfriend. Now the easiest way to do this is through social networks, or through small evening walks (trips). At this stage, you are simply interested in her life and find out her fate after breaking up with you. If a girl started her communication with you, then this is already an indicator that everything is not going as smoothly and well as she would like. A happy girl would have sent you a long time ago and that's it.
Gradual advance. At the next stage, you start inviting the girl to more "status" places, such as sushi bars, cafes or bars, where you are interested in her plans and talk about your successes. Those. you gradually introduce into her the idea that you are a successful, stable and strong man.
Intimacy and reconnection. If a girl swallowed your bait, then you yourself will begin to see how an insidious plan will appear in her eyes to drag you into bed and make you hers again. Therefore, you just need to play the role of a restrained gentleman, and then "surrender" into the hands of such an insidious girl.
Renewal of relationship. And at the final stage, you have to prove yourself as a strong man, whose behavior has not changed from such an “unexpected move” on the part of the girl. You should not rush to her and cry for joy that she has returned. You also need to behave steadily, thereby allowing the girl to be weak. Everything is simple!
Should you date your ex girlfriend?
We have indeed seen cases where relationships with ex-girlfriends led to happy families and happy men. Therefore, although these relationships have an extremely low chance of success, you can still try.
What to do when meeting with an ex-girlfriend?
- and remained friends then say hello and move on
- if it's your fault, you can walk by with your head down or also say hello
- if it’s her fault, then it’s best to pass by despite not / looking away.
Some people, having accidentally or consciously met with their ex-girlfriends, try to put a little pressure on their subconscious.
They begin to communicate in such a tone, as if they really want to go back, as if they have changed a lot, as if they have been sad all these days or years.
Under no circumstances should you do this! Even if you really want something back.
And it's better to do this:
To behave politely and tactfully, as with a good friend, but without a hint of Can we do it again?. Let communication be casual and not thoughtful. If a long dialogue starts, then the situation itself will tell you whether it makes sense to transfer the conversation to a personal one.
If you met an ex-girlfriend with whom you parted kindly, then the meeting can bring joy to both of you. Your heart will tell you what to do at this moment. Here advice is not even needed. And if you met a girl with whom you once broke up badly, then it is better to avoid a head-on collision. Well, if it did happen, then do not hesitate, smile and say hello, if it was not possible to quickly whirl somewhere and disappear from sight.
Politely say hello, ask how she is doing. But at the same time, you should not ask about her personal life, let alone ask who her boyfriend is, how serious they are. By this, the man shows that he has not let go, that he continues to consider the girl his own.
You can pretend not to notice her, walk past, looking somewhere to the side.
Run) Just kidding) In fact, what's so terrible about that? Act like people you know well. You are not strangers, are you? :) Surely they slept together, if they drank, they rested. Why pretend to be strangers now. Just hello, how are you? :) If you parted normally. And if she cheated on you or something else, then pass by. The man betrayed, well ...
It is advisable not to meet on her way until she makes herself felt. Girls are gentle and unpredictable creatures. But at a chance meeting, imperceptibly, do not try to determine her state of mind and politely give in to the right to choose.
Say hello, ask how you are. It’s better not to talk about personal things, it’s better to talk about work. Be natural and act the same as if you were meeting a classmate. You broke up and now you have nothing to connect. So behave regardless of past relationships. They are no longer there.
And what should you do? Do nothing. At best, say hello. I did this when I met my ex. I don’t think that such meetings can be especially pleasant for both of you.
Not very long ago, I met like this, well, they parted, as if nothing had happened.
It's good that in our small town we go our separate ways.
good time of the day.!!! when meeting with an ex-girlfriend, you need to behave calmly, balanced, and if you broke up with her peacefully and calmly, then everything is simple, say hello to her, ask how you are and you shouldn’t have a long conversation. !
If you broke up:
Love relationship as you know, sometimes they collapse, and therefore we have compiled instructions on the psychology of relationships: how to deal with a girl after you break up. Choose one of the desired options and proceed according to the described scheme.
As real friends, we will not climb into your soul and find out which of you really abandoned whom. It is not important. The important thing is that you are finally breaking up, which means that these tips will come in handy.
First, get sober and decide what you would like from this woman now. Having discarded the criminally punishable options, we have identified the four most common models for the further development of your relationship. You know that you will either become friends, or you will meet for sex, or after some time you will try to start over, or you will part forever. From now on, you don’t have to guess what will happen next: you can choose any of the models for the development of relationships yourself. Recommendations for communicating with an ex-girlfriend, which we compiled with the help of a psychologist, a specialist in interpersonal relationships and TV presenter Yana Laputina, help you!
Model One - Friends
The most common, and therefore the main model of relationships. Not everyone succeeds in becoming friends, but many try. The reasons for these efforts are clear. On the one hand, waking up every morning in the same bed is already unbearable, on the other hand, no one but her knows you so well, which means that only with her can you share small but important joys and only ask her for advice on any topic. whether it's work or a relationship with a new girlfriend. In a word, you have already come to terms that this is not your woman, but you don’t want to lose her as a person in any way. Not only that, you suddenly began to believe in inter-gender friendship. It is friendship - without options after a while to try everything again. And even without drunken sex. And not only drunk - no sex with this woman at all. After all, you are friends!
Model Features
The expert dubbed this model the most honest (although in fact it is not - if a man who broke up with a woman, especially if she left him, believes that there is now friendship between them - he is deceiving himself), because the calculation of friendship implies, perhaps, the most civilized separation as possible. “However, I am wary of the very wording “let's part as friends”, because in many cases it only means that the partners have no complaints against each other, the expert says. But this is not friendship, but something like "let's get to know each other." And after parting, you are a priori acquaintances, even if during the last quarrel you pull out each other's hair. So, before you take any action, honestly answer yourself two questions.
First: do you understand what friendship is with a woman, not necessarily with an ex?
Second: why do you need this friendship? The answer to the first question is partially disclosed above: you, almost like before, share secrets and secrets, ask each other for advice or borrow money. Be glad that she is happy with a new boyfriend much more than in yours best time, too, by the way, it is necessary. Consider the second question without our prompting. Weigh all the pros and cons and decide if you really need it. Maybe it's better to be just acquaintances?
Why is the model friends dangerous?
“The main danger is that you will never succeed in being friends in the full sense of the word: it is extremely rare for people to part without a shadow of hatred, desires to restore relations and claims to each other,” says Yana Laputina. However, this danger is terrible not by the presence of mutual claims, but by the fact that you can’t do anything about it, with this danger: you need to take it for granted and just take a chance.
It is possible that one of you will want to return the relationship. If you become that someone, think carefully and, if you really need it, go to option B, that is, to model 2, and act on a new strategy. Since your emotional stability is now lame, we consider it our duty to remind you that a passionate desire to return everything usually arises in the first months after a breakup, which is absolutely natural if there is no replacement for an ex-girlfriend.
This period needs to be experienced, and the simple joys of life will help you with this. For example, find a new girlfriend. If you are not yet familiar with the beliefs of pick-up artists and think that sleeping with a new girl you know, just to survive a breakup, is too mean even for you, rent women for money.
Other options for distraction: go headlong into new project at work, go on vacation, find a new hobby, take a course foreign language. “If your ex wants to try everything first, but you don’t, then it’s better to just talk to her and explain that you are not ready for a repeat. At the same time, make an appointment in a completely new place for both of you and stop any attempts by the girl to start a conversation about the time when you were together, our consultant advises. With the help of nostalgia, a woman is trying to check if you are ready to try again. The support of such memories on your part is something like the answer "rather located than not." Your new girlfriend may not understand your friendship and may even think that you are still, sorry, in love with each other. To prevent suspicions, resentment and scandals, from the very first days of your acquaintance, do not hide from your new girlfriend that you communicate well with the old one. At the same time, do not remember how you were together. Also, mention that she has a new boyfriend, even if he doesn't really exist.
What to do next
“Be honest. Say that you want to leave, and try to put into words how you feel: "I'm tired", "I don't even miss you anymore, and it's not your fault" and so on. If a worthy person is next to you, he will appreciate your directness. If the person turned out to be inadequate, it remains only to sympathize that you spent part of your life with him. Cut to the quick and better forget about the idea of being friends," the expert admonishes.
“If your goal is to transfer relations into friendships, and as soon as possible, the ideal scenario for parting is when both partners are ready for this,” says Yana Laputina. By by and large, you both feel that your union does not last long and the only question is who will be the first to dare to talk about it. In this situation, there is even a chance that you will become friends as soon as you finally sort things out. “It remains to wait for the moment when the girl is ready for this kind of separation. It is artificially impossible to push a woman to such readiness.”
Let's say the idea to break up is yours. Moreover, you are such a pragmatic initiator that you began to think about your initiative in advance. Having guessed the case, find out how the girl relates to friendship after parting and under what circumstances she considers it possible or impossible. “Since finding out such things directly is an inevitable path to unnecessary questions, probe her position through abstract things. For example, through a discussion of parting partners in the cinema or a conversation about your mutual friends Pasha and Masha, who broke up two years ago, but despite this, they are inseparable friends,” our consultant recommends.
“Take a time out and keep your communication to a minimum,” admonishes the expert. Remind yourself only once or twice a week, and in a purely friendly way. In a friendly way, it's "Hello! How are you?” rather than “Hi, bunny! How are you?". "How many friends do you call bunnies?" Yana Laputina asks reasonably. Put an end to the habit of calling this girl diminutive - affectionate words, even if this is not a kind of animal, but her name. “Such little things will constantly hint that, in addition to friendly feelings, you still have something more for each other,” the expert comments.
What not to do
“Of course, this is a personal matter, but I would not advise having farewell sex,” says Yana Laputina. It will mean that you are not yet ready to part with this person exactly as a woman, which means that there can be no talk of a full-fledged friendship.
Never say phrases like “You are very good, but ...”, “I don’t deserve you”, “You will be truly happy with another”, etc. “Any attempts to provoke a partner to leave you decided he, this desire to shift responsibility for his decision to another, and this is not done with friends. You must be responsible for your own decisions, especially if these decisions concern, if so far only potential, but still friends, our consultant advises.
During the showdown, do not try to negotiate friendship with her. “It's like asking a woman during childbirth about whether you will have another child,” draws an analogy Yana Laputina. She may be ready for friendship, but in order to find out, you chose the most unfortunate moment of all possible.
“If you don’t just decide to leave, but go to another, with whom you met long before breaking up with your previous girlfriend, think carefully before talking about it,” the expert advises. Confession, even if you're honest, will make you look like a scoundrel. “And meanness and friendship are incompatible,” says Yana Laputina.
“The first time do not drink together. This is an axiom,” says the expert.
Model two - fallback
Vika is not the worst thing that happened to you in this life. What is there! At some point, you even loved her and were almost ready to spend the rest of your life with her, until you figured that there was still quite a lot left. Perhaps you will really marry her if you don’t find someone better in the next five years. “Your task is to keep a woman on a short leash, not to let her completely leave you,” the expert sums up the essence of the model. For everyone who decided to leave the girl in reserve, we have great news: despite prejudice, no tricks on your part are needed. Everything is extremely simple!
Model Features
“This is the most deceitful behavior,” says Yana Laputina. Therefore, we warn you: if you are one of those men who are used to behaving honestly with women, it’s better not to look at this paragraph, but instead re-read about friendship. If you have a lot of nerves, and you choose this model as your strategy for the coming months, here's a bonus for you: the advice works, even if the girl has another man during this time and they will be fine together.
Why is the model dangerous?
Nothing. No wonder she is the smartest.
What to do
“By and large, you need to do what the first behavior forbids. Call your ex by an affectionate nickname she likes, and start and maintain conversations about fond memories from your shared past. Remind yourself more often, and not only by calls and SMS: from time to time go to the cinema together and to a cafe that is significant for you - for example, to the one where you met. Such outings will constantly remind a woman of the time when you were together. And even if she was the initiator of your breakup, after several such gatherings, she will begin to be overcome by doubt: was this step really the right one? After all, apart from your dish-breaking brawls and weekly parties with friends, whiskey and poker, you were a good couple.
Do not miss the opportunity to invite her to your place. For example, to those same parties with whiskey and poker. Drunk sex is what you need to fully prevent a woman from forgetting the time when you were together. And “don't let a woman forget your wonderful past” is the main thesis of the whole strategy! Thank the girls for their phenomenal sentimentality.
Finally, set reminders of your memorable dates on your phone. As before, congratulate on “this wonderful event” and offer to celebrate it somewhere.
"Would" is not just a particle, but your ally, support and friend. Think of some inconsistencies in your relationship and insert those inconsistencies into a template: "If not for X and Y, our past would have been even more beautiful." “By” gives hope, as if by chance hints that if you correct some details from the past, you will make an excellent couple, and the union will become much stronger than before.
What not to do
There is no need to hide the appearance of a new girl. It is enough to tell your ex more often about how you spend your time and, again putting pressure on sentimentality, say that everything was different for you and you miss that time. Do not forget to mention the virtues of a new girlfriend - the trick will make the former jealous.
Don't introduce her to new girl. At first glance, acquaintance will help increase the feeling of jealousy. However, this move is more likely to make the former clearly understand that she has been transferred to the rank of your girlfriends or even acquaintances.
Model number three - Only sex
A girl who doesn't mind having someone else and only wants sex is no less of a fetish than a stripper personal secretary or a '67 Chevrolet Impala. And the main charm of this fetish is that it is an order of magnitude more real than the other two! The model is similar to a fairy tale about Cinderella, especially if you watched its dirty version: although the idea can be realized, it can only continue with a single woman for a strictly limited time - details are below.
Why is the model dangerous?
“If you don’t stop in time, sooner or later the girl will begin to claim the status of more than just a lover. Even if you agreed in advance that there can be nothing between you but sex, the expert assures. On the contrary, the mention of this agreement will lead to an even greater conflict. The only way avoid scandals from the series “leave her, marry me” in time to feel that a woman is no longer interested in sex alone, and immediately retire. Sorry, but we won’t be able to give the go-ahead that the limit on sex without obligations has been exhausted: such relationships can last from a week to several years, so you will need your own observation to make a timely maneuver.
What to do
Periodically invite her to parties: it is easier to become a lover and mistress if you have sex drunk for the first time. And if a woman was not at all initially ready for such a relationship, she will certainly find an excuse in alcohol.
“Here, almost everything is the same as during the first dates. A woman loves with her ears, and therefore it is worth telling her beautifully how wonderful sex you had. At the same time, do not forget to mention that in everything else you, as it turned out, are completely incompatible. By seeing the woman's reaction, you can determine how determined she is to play by the rules of model 3.
What not to do
Even if your ex knows you have a girlfriend, don't get carried away talking about her. This is dangerous for several reasons. For example, an ex-passion already doubts whether she needs your new relationship, and talking about your new hobby will only strengthen these doubts. Exodus: you will have only one girl left. Another option: jealousy will wake up in an old friend and she will try her best to return you. But the worst thing will happen if the mistress comes to the conclusion that you have decided to get unacceptably well, and wants to leave you with your nose. In other words, the ex will do everything to make the new woman find out that you have someone else, make a scandal and leave.
Model 4.1 Gentlemanly and forever
You have decided that it is better for you not to see each other again, and you are ready to take all measures for this. However, what is there to hide, with this woman you spent, if not the best time in your life, then certainly not the most uninteresting for sure. And therefore, she did not deserve any scandals, or the role of a fallback, or the place of a sex doll. In a word, despite the fact that you are breaking up, you want to remain a great guy for her, with whom, for some reason, it simply did not work out.
Model Features
Even if you go to the other side of the world, the plan to never see this girl again can fail. Especially if you haven't changed your mind about being a gentleman. “Anyway, you will never be strangers, and therefore, when dispersing, you should always leave each other the opportunity to ask for help,” says Yana Laputina. It is no longer necessary to help with repairs, but if a very a difficult situation on the verge of life and death, then he must know that he can rely on you. “You may want to return, says our consultant. As a rule, men break down from persistent nightly SMS or offers in last time have sex, visit her in the middle of the night, have a drink together, and so on.” To stay with your decision, you need to be well done and hold on to the last. Do not respond to such messages and calls, no matter what it costs you.
What to do
“Your intentions about further relationships need to be identified already at parting,” says Yana. To make it clear that you are serious, try to explain the reason for your decision.
What not to do
Try to avoid goodbye sex. It is highly likely that it will be the beginning of the collapse of your plan, and the girl will decide what will happen between you next.
Model 4.2 - With scandal and forever
A more realistic variation of the previous model. “Do not be afraid of scandals, there is nothing wrong with them. They will help blow off steam and relieve tension for both of you,” says the expert. We think you know how to run into a scandal: just talk about your claims against a woman or remember the moments when you lied to her. By the way, no quarrel cancels the unspoken right of a woman to count on you in case of serious problems.
Related information
I had love and a serious relationship with a girl that ended 2.5 years ago. We were together, including lived for three years and parted for no apparent serious reason. I don't understand how it happened. Just like others. Love seized life, they began to annoy each other a little, they didn’t plan children yet, they wanted to live for themselves. But they got a little tired of each other. Quarrels over trifles became more frequent. Never had a serious reason. After one such quarrel, they parted on the initiative of the girl. It seemed to me that we would get together right away, because the feelings were strong. None of our friends could have imagined that we would be like this. But unexpectedly for me, the girl literally in a couple of weeks began to meet with another. It pissed me off. I know that I didn’t change, but, apparently, I wanted to try something new with someone else. Our love has not passed the test.
It so happened that we had general company, mutual friends who turned out to be between two fires. Although we parted peacefully, we could no longer be in the same company. Since she had a new young man who had his own company, firstly, and the fact that many of our common friends felt that she did not act beautifully by immediately leaving for another, it turned out that most people moved away from her. She was worried about this, since we all knew each other for a long time, and not everything is so smooth in her new company. But in the end it was her choice. I didn't have any influence on my friends.
When we parted, she asked us to part as friends, but for me these are all words. How can you be friends when you were family. I took it from her side as just a standard set of words at parting, meaning nothing.
For some time we did not communicate. Sometimes I heard something about her, my friends casually told me what they had heard. They said that not everything was as smooth as she thought. They already had quarrels. It was said that her new young man did not share her interests and hobbies at all (and we had a lot in common).
At first I was very worried, but gradually moved away. I tried to meet, but somehow it didn’t reach a serious relationship. There were no those feelings, that fire. I never sat without a girl, but nothing good came of it.
And literally a year later, when I had almost completely moved away from the gap, I healed new life She suddenly appeared on the horizon. I started to get in touch. She asked for some help. When we met like on business, we immediately started talking. So much time to know everything that happens to each other, to understand each other. Of course, we had something to talk about. Although it all confused me, it began to remind me of the already forgotten parting. Because we talked, as if there was no parting.
I thought it was that she was not against returning the relationship, and thus prepares the ground. But it turned out not. Later, somehow between times, she said that everything was in order with them and that, roughly speaking, she was not going to change anything.
However, the relationship with me resumed. We talk quite often and for a long time. She began to sometimes give some souvenirs. As if by chance we cross paths at some events that were both of interest to us before and spend time together there. Can hug, take by the hand. I can not say that communication is much and often. But it happens. Sometimes it disappears for a long time. Then it appears. Can give some trinket. The personal life of both is out of the question.
And I understood why this is happening, remembering what my friends told me. She has in new couple there is not enough understanding, joint hobbies, interests, friendship. And I began to feel that I was being used. I loved her, but I never saw her close friend. I'm starting to remember our relationship. Can't start a new serious relationship with someone else.
How to be in a situation?
How to behave?
Tell her that I don’t want to communicate with her anymore, because I’m starting to remember the past, which I forgot about for a long time and which worries my heart? Sounds stupid.
Try to get used to and become a friend? Never thought of her that way.
Leaving go? Should you be friends with your ex?
Friendship with the former - how normal is this, and does this close communication interfere with new relationships?
Elena Kuznetsova, a family psychologist, consultant on interpersonal relations, director of the Me and You dating agency, tells.
If there is a link
Friendship maintained former couples, is natural only if these people are connected by something after parting, for example, a child or a common business, the psychologist believes.
Most often, women who suspect their men of infidelity are jealous of the former, and on emotions, ladies often put forward tough ultimatums to their partners. This is not always correct, because assertive actions can only achieve results from weak men who are used to obeying. A normal man will be dissatisfied with your demands.
Kuznetsova agrees that sometimes there really are reasons for jealousy: if a couple had once strong feelings, then it is likely that they have not completely faded away. And looking at the child, the man still thinks about ex-wife. Another thing is if his lady is already in a new relationship, or there has never been much love in the family - there is no cause for concern.
When “fighting” with a rival, do not severely limit a man, because he still cannot stop seeing a child or leave a common relationship. ex-wife business. Act gently: you can cry, be sad, even talk about your fears. You can, again in a mild form, offer an alternative. For example, do not go to the former so that she can communicate with the child in her house, but take the baby to her place for the weekend.
The new woman should be fully armed and try to "outplay" the former, if the man is still not indifferent to her. Carefully it is worth finding out from the chosen one what he liked in past relationships and what he lacked. After that, try to give your partner everything he needs: care, attention, sex, etc.
When nothing binds
If there is no “connecting link”, and the man still often communicates with his ex, or even former passions, saying that after breaking up with everyone he stayed in good relations, is cause for concern.
“Such a man cannot even be called a man in the classical sense. This is a man-woman, he is the best friend for everyone. Or this is a womanizer, and you are another pass option for him. With a high degree of probability, we can say that such a man does not just see the former, but meets them for sex, ”Kuznetsova notes.
If a man communicates in a friendly way not with all the former, but with only one woman, these relationships are still unnatural.
“If people are not connected by anything, what is the point of maintaining a relationship? Advise, talk about your personal life? And how then to look into the eyes of the current passion? the psychologist continues.
Kuznetsova explains that there is no pure friendship between the former, it is always based on something, either on feelings that have not yet cooled down, or on some kind of benefit, which does not necessarily mean something material. For example, a man likes to communicate with his ex because she has a calming effect on him. But then another question arises, why does your partner seek solace not from you, but from a previous passion.
The psychologist's verdict is this: communication with the former, when there is no "connecting link" between them, is not normal. And this must be fought.
First, a new girl needs to find out for what purpose her man is dating an ex. Gently, without unnecessary emotions, several times, “approaching” from different sides, ask the same question. There should be some time between questions. If a man always gives the same answer, then his current lady needs to think why she cannot give her chosen one what the former gives him. We must try to correct the situation.
If the answers are different, then the man is probably deceiving you. And, most likely, his meetings with the former are sexually motivated.
You can also call a man for a frank conversation and explain to him that you are uncomfortable with his communication with the former. It is possible that your chosen one did not even naively suspect this and for the sake of you will break with his past.
Often communication with the former takes place on the Internet. Often men on voiced new woman complaints about this, they ask not to make an elephant out of a fly, because "it's just the Internet."
There is a very thin line here, and situations are different, notes Elena Kuznetsova. She is sure that if a man loves his woman, he will not hurt her. Or if he sees that the current woman is jealous, he will try to explain the situation. He will show the correspondence, from which it is clear that they rarely communicate with the former, they simply congratulate each other on the holiday, for example.
Another thing is that a man denies everything, and he disappears on the Internet in the evenings, and communication with his ex is very tight. Let it go we are talking not about real, but about virtual relationships, emotionally he is still with the other. With a real woman, he can be, for example, for the sake of a bed or "pots".
“It sounds funny, but in this situation, a real woman is even in a less advantageous situation than a virtual one, with whom a man lives internally and shares his impressions. If a man behaves like this, then he is bored with his new woman. He does not get what he gets from the previous chosen one, ”says the psychologist.
A new girl needs to think more about her man in order to first force out and then replace her virtual girlfriend, because interesting communication- it is a rarity. Just do not under any circumstances use assertive tactics if we are talking about a normal man, and not an infantile. Rigidity can simply lead to a break, because your chosen one has already preferred another woman in terms of communication. And if a woman, who is less interesting in this regard, sets her own conditions, the man gets angry and says: “Don’t be hysterical, don’t invent something that doesn’t exist,” that is, he is already setting up blockers. If a woman continues to beat on a locked door, she faces even more aggression.
Online magazine of female erudition - Soloha.info
I invite everyone to live with optimism!
How to communicate with the former? Is it worth holding on to the past?
Life is unpredictable. Have you seen The Marrying Habit with Kim Basinger and Alec Baldwin? Here are the twists of fate, the boiling of passions! A life partner can become an ex overnight. And the former man again firmly enter life. A woman should always remember this phenomenon, and even with the most ugly parting (treason, betrayal, seizure of money, division of joint property and children), remain a prudent person! How to deal with an ex after a breakup?
No one even doubts that a completely pretty, modern and self-sufficient girl (like you!), always has in stock not one or two, but a whole arsenal of “former”. Some can be admirers, admirers from the school bench, others are arrogant popular handsome men who broke your naive heart while studying at the university, and even those whom you dared to marry in spite of the whole world in order to prove your independence. And all these exes were, in their own way, significant in your life. What to do, how to communicate with the former (or former)?
For starters, there is no need to unconditionally reject these "former" ones. Who knows how circumstances will turn - especially if you yourself gave a reason for parting! Anything can happen under the influence of strong emotions or during a period of temporary indifference! Sometimes couples get back together, no matter what! Many years may pass, several partners may change, but in the end you will still be with him.
When loving people lose their passion this indicates an unwillingness to work on relationships. But this is fixable with mutual desire. But respect for each other should be tried to be maintained under any circumstances, otherwise no communication after parting should be started at all.
How to communicate with the former? Depends on the relationship before the breakup
There is no single answer to this question, because everyone has their own history of relationships. What is the reason for the breakup? Who initiated the breakup? How long were you together? Who loved, and who allowed himself to be loved? Has the passion gone? Do you want to return the relationship or forget it forever?
First of all, answer honestly to these questions, because the main thing depends on your feelings: is it worth spending your time talking with exes, is this really necessary for you? To understand how to communicate with an ex, we will analyze several situations.
3 questions immediately after a breakup:
Advice: As experience shows, there is no need to hurry in these delicate issues. You need to come to your senses and take a break. Even if emotions overwhelm. First, you must sort out your feelings for the person who betrayed you. What do you feel for him, already the former?
Love, hate or indifference?
Surely after the breakup of a relationship, you have one of these feelings. Or maybe all at once. And you wonder if you want to return the relationship, avenge all the insults, or erase all contacts and forget everything about the relationship with this person.
The last option - indifference is usually present if you already had an “alternate airfield” in the form of another man before the final parting. You just don't care about your ex, you don't care about his feelings. Or this man is so disgusted that parting with him is a long-awaited event for you! By the way, when feelings for a partner cool, sometimes women deliberately provoke a breakup.
What your emotions depend on when parting is how the relationship with the former will develop.
If a man left you, should you communicate with him and how? Stages
The first stage is emotional.
If, fortunately, you are with this monster did not acquire joint children who could suffer when their parents parted, then everything is much simpler. It's time for you to start your new life. Even if you have been married for 10 years and then broke up, this is not a reason to give up on yourself. At first, you will feel rage, hatred, and a desire to castrate the man you have wasted so many years of your life on.
These are the first, natural emotions. You will feel ugly, undesirable, useless person. A successfully flushed ex during this period may sometimes call, be interested in a caring tone about your well-being and mood. Well, how can a woman, crushed and trampled, communicate with him? At this moment, you are ready for all his conditions in order to regain at least your self-esteem.
Attention! Don't meet the ex who dumped you at the first call. Although he is drawn to him, because he is still for you native person. But you are already a stranger to him. Keep this in mind when trying to find a reason to meet or call.
The second stage is the gradual withdrawal.
First time after breakup- the most painful, you just need to survive it. Time really heals! After crying out tears, it's time to take care of yourself, if only out of a desire for revenge. Even though it's hard try to call and not look for meetings with the former. You must learn to live without it and enjoy life.
Host a bachelorette party with the boys! Surely your friends, who previously did not even dare to call for communication, will be active! Change your hairstyle, hair color and buy yourself something new, bright and fashionable, from clothes. Sign up for Gym and train as intensely as possible, vent resentment, anger and despair in the gym or pool.
And be prepared for a chance meeting with ex-man in the company of joint friends fully armed! The more chic you look, the better for you. Do not explain long and tediously why you were abandoned, just say - "we broke up." Most likely, friends will be divided in opinion, someone will be on the side of the former, even if he left you. Get ready to find out who really treated you sincerely while you were a couple.
Attention! Do not speak badly or disrespectfully about the former in the company of your joint friends. When meeting, be cold - polite. Do not meddle with questions and memories. It is enough to exchange "on duty" phrases of a general nature.
The third stage is not to communicate with the former.
Should you be friends with an ex? Definitely not. Even if you wholeheartedly want to see each other more often, communicate, chat in social networks under the pretext of friendship, don’t do it! You will only get sicker. If you are abandoned, it is the former who should be the initiator of friendly communication. Most likely, this will happen in time, unless, of course, after parting, you do not pour mud on it at every corner and endure your intimate details into the world.
A smart man will appreciate your behavior. Perhaps you, having gone through separation, having tried yourself in other relationships, come to the conclusion that this is for the best that you broke up. Meet your true soul mate, feel love and romance again in a relationship with another man.
Attention! Don't try to be friends with your ex if he dumped you. friendly communication he will bind you morally, you will have hope for reunion, and you need to move on in life, in your own direction. Don't waste time befriending your ex, start looking for another partner.
Optimistic conclusions:
Breaking up with a partner doesn't always mean something bad. Life does not end, and this is the main thing. After a while, when the emotions subside, you will be able to communicate with the former more calmly and balanced. With a mutual desire, of course. Treat your ex like distant relative- well, it is somewhere, it exists, but you don’t really care.
In general, the most the best option- actively build a relationship with another man. Because by the time the ex realizes with horror what a mistake he made by losing you and wants to return back, you will no longer care about him, his friendship, communication, sex and everything connected with him.
And remember that a woman, having gone through parting, tears and bitterness of loss, always ends up getting prettier, thinner and flourishes for her next man, who will definitely appear in life!
Should you hang out with your ex after a breakup? No!
How to survive a breakup? Is it possible to remain friends? Psychologist Jill Weber explains why you should end a relationship with an ex.
Breaking up a relationship is almost never easy. The injured party thinks, "This can't be happening!" The search for ways to fix everything, revive or fix the relationship begins. Many are looking for meetings with a partner, trying to discuss the chances of a reunion, appealing to past feelings and posting on social networks. We play for time, find out the relationship, but it only gets worse. The easiest way to cope with pain is to reduce communication with an ex-partner to nothing.
We create the illusion of a former life, but we do not live
This advice is difficult to follow. We invent new occasions for meetings - for example, we offer to return forgotten things, call and ask about the health of former relatives, and send congratulations on the holidays. So we create the illusion of a former life, but we do not live.
the only a respectful reason to continue communication - these are common children. In the event of a divorce, we continue to share the care of their upbringing. We have to meet and talk on the phone. But even in this case, you need to try to keep communication to a minimum and talk only about children.
Here are four reasons to cut off communication.
1. Keeping in touch with your ex will not heal you.
The end of a relationship is painful, but the pain cannot last forever. You will be sad, angry, offended that life is unfair. These feelings are natural and part of the recovery process, but gradually you will accept what has happened.
By continuing to communicate with your ex, you interfere with the recovery process, preferring a destructive strategy of denying the obvious. In order to open up to a new life and confidently plan for the future, it is necessary to fully accept the fact that the relationship has ended. By acknowledging the breakup, you will experience relief, and your life will become calmer.
2. You deprive yourself of energy
While you are directing energy towards communication with a partner, you do not have enough strength for joy, communication with children, hobbies and new relationships.
3. You live in a fictional world
Relationships are over. Everything you think about them is an illusion. Communication with a partner will never be the same, and the fact that you continue it suggests that you live in your own alternate reality, where you are happy together. You strive for meetings, however, communicating in real world you feel frustrated. As long as you live in a fictional world, you deprive yourself of real life.
4. You make the same mistakes over and over again.
Those who cannot come to terms with a breakup tend to blame themselves. They do not believe that a breakup can be a chance for personal growth. They scold themselves, instead of leaving the relationship in the past and moving on, trying not to repeat the mistakes they made.
If you can't accept a breakup, your life turns into Groundhog Day. You wake up every day with the same fears, disappointments and accusations against you. You're stuck in a relationship that doesn't exist: you can't be with your ex, but you can't move either. Once you let go of past relationships, you will feel free and independent from the hurts and regrets of yesterday.
Jill Weber– clinical psychologist, author of Building Self-Esteem 5 Steps: How to Feel “Good Enough”, The Relationship Formula Workbook Series, 2016.
10 Worst Reasons to Stay Friends with Your Ex
Many couples try to stay friends after a breakup. Whether it is possible to maintain friendly relations depends largely on what motives we are guided by. Here are the reasons why it won't work.
21 days to change yourself
It is known that the formation new habit a person needs 21 days. This is due psychologically and physiologically. During this time, how to accustom yourself to proper nutrition and regular training, says Ruslan Ivakhnenko, instructor at the Pro Trener personal training studio.
Why does a guy communicate with an ex-girlfriend
In order to start a new relationship, you need to let go of the old ones. But there are guys who don't want to let go of an old relationship. For them, this is normal. But how can a girl understand such a guy’s attitude and how to react? That's what we'll talk about.
If people communicate often, they develop attachment to each other. What to say about such feelings as love. After love, a guy and a girl have a strong attachment.
When a breakup occurs, it is the habit of close person does not allow you to go through this stage painlessly. Such attachment depends on willpower and seriousness. former relationship. Some guys confidently and irrevocably go through such difficulties, while others pull to the last and do not want to end the relationship.
If a guy started a new relationship, but did not let go of the old ones, then this is a gross mistake. He deceives himself and you.
Let's look at the reasons for this guy's behavior:
1. Hope. The guy wants to get back to his ex-girlfriend, but does not know how to do it. Therefore, he maintains communication with her. Well, the last girl may like to spoil your relationship. That's why she's talking to a guy.
2. Strong affection. The guy does not like the ex-girlfriend, but he is very used to her. He is used to communicating with her and it is hard for him to come to terms with the fact that he needs to put an end to the relationship. This behavior is developed in weak guys.
3. Like being jealous. Guys can manipulate too. But the question is in whom does he want to develop a feeling of jealousy? In you or in an ex-girlfriend? Maybe the guy started dating you just to make his past girlfriend jealous. It's mean, of course, but it's possible. Or he likes to be jealous of you.
4. For an open relationship. He considers it normal when his girlfriend communicates with whomever she wants and, accordingly, he too. Therefore, he simply may not understand your indignation. In that case, this is not your type of guy. Because you are unlikely to ever come to terms with it.
5. Naively believes in friendship. Perhaps when the guy and the girl broke off the relationship, they decided to remain friends. This often happens. Do you think it is possible to be friends with the person you used to love (a)? I think no.
Now let's talk about how you can reasonably act in such a situation. First you need to calm down and hang everything. Then, when talking with a guy, bring up this topic. And calmly explain your position to him. Tell him that you are categorically against such communication. And with further such behavior, you will react accordingly. Yes, he is dear to you. But you don't have to lose your head in love. After all, why in the future be deceived or put up with such actions of his all his life. I think it's better to talk and explain to him intelligibly. Well, if you are dear to him, then I think he will refuse to communicate with his ex-girlfriend.
In fact, after a breakup, you need to draw conclusions. Then end the relationship. After all, when you start dating again, it’s not very nice in relation to a new loved one, to maintain an old relationship.
How to start talking to an ex girlfriend?
How to start a conversation with an ex-girlfriend?
This is a very difficult question and very important if you want to get your girlfriend back. This is, so to speak, the beginning of your battle for her, and therefore you need to thoroughly prepare for the first step.
How to start talking with an ex-girlfriend: continued.
Next comes the first call. By the way, there are those who, after your actions without her, call themselves - no, not to make peace - but to ask if everything is really so good with you. But we will start from the case when you call for the first time - after a while, when she has already managed to digest everything, but has not yet forgotten.
How to establish contact with a girl when meeting?
Since she has already transferred you to the category of friends, then communication should be started accordingly. And therefore expensive gifts and even flowers will be perceived inadequately or simply will not give any effect. In addition, in no case should you dissolve your hands: hugging, kissing, taking by the hand - all this is forbidden on the first date. For more detailed instructions You should check out the articles on my blog. For starters, the article “What to talk about with a girl” is perfect.
A bit of psychology when dealing with an ex
In general, feelings for an ex-girlfriend are a very dangerous and insidious thing. Remember how during your quarrels you yourself wanted to part with her and find yourself a new girlfriend. But then she left, and everything turned upside down, you are already ready to fight for her, kneel and completely change your life. Maybe you should just forget her. My article “How to survive a breakup with a girl?” will help you with this.
- the balance of significance is disturbed - you just showed your feelings to her more often and lost your original significance;
- lost interest in you because you changed a lot after your first meeting, began to work more and joke less and spend time with her together, she just got bored with you;
- you did not live up to her expectations - did not offer to live together, get married or have children, or anything else. Or worse, he promised everything, but did nothing. She just stopped trusting you;
- your partner's unmet needs. You think that you are doing everything for her - but no, you are completely wrong. In fact, you don’t know what a girl needs at all, you have sex in the first place, and she thinks about communication, spending time together, wants to be taken care of, and so on and so forth. And almost always your needs - what you want from each other - do not match, but you can give it to each other. That is why people are together, and not because they want to be together.
The psychology of communicating with an ex-girlfriend is a very subtle thing. And therefore, you will have to dig deeper into yourself and in your relationships, to analyze what went wrong. After all, you can return the former by throwing dust in her eyes, but for how long?
How to communicate with an ex-girlfriend correctly - possible options
Nothing lasts forever and, alas, it happens that love leaves, and the couple has to leave, after that, in each case, the former can remain a friend, enemy or lover.
WAYS TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR EX
In reality, there is no friendship between a guy and a girl without a physical relationship, therefore, at least one of the two will always have a desire for carnal pleasures. If this does not happen, then in any case, after a certain time, you will have another girl, and she will have another boyfriend, as a result of which you will forget about each other.
At the same time, you can still contact, but you will no longer be friends. This happens because friends are as valuable to each other as they are able to help each other, and in the case of their independence, friendship simply fades away.
At some point, if you try to just stay friends, one of you will try to restore the relationship, this can lead to a renewal of the old reproaches and conflicts that led to the breakup.
Therefore, friendship between the former is impossible, only neutral relations are possible, or friendship as an attempt to restore relations. Therefore, if you do not know how to communicate with an ex-girlfriend, and at the same time you no longer want a relationship with her as a girl, you better not remain friends with her, but completely end all relationships.
AS A BACKUP
In this case, when you break up with a girl, you keep her as a fallback to start over.
For example, you could leave the girl and no longer want to meet her, or you already have a new girl, but you are not yet completely sure of her and continue some communication with the former only so that if you don’t have a new passion out, you're back with your ex.
For this option, you will need to communicate with the former in such a style through which you can demonstrate your love and desire to be together to her, simply, supposedly now there is such a situation that you seem to be at a crossroads, but will soon return to her.
Sometimes you can communicate with an ex solely for the sake of sex. For example, you have absolutely incompatible characters, because life under the same roof is hell for both, regular scandals cause constant stress, however, during sex, you feel good with her to such an extent that you satisfy each other 100% and even more.
In this case, communication with an ex-girlfriend is possible only for physical entertainment. Thus, after parting, the guy and the girl remain lovers, but this is quite rare.
This The best way communication with his ex, which is the lack of communication with her at all. After breaking up your relationship, you become strangers to each other and a more interesting girl awaits you in the future, and it is better to forget the past.
You can disperse nobly, without conflicts, promising to remain friends, but not really friends, but only to remain acquaintances who do not have any mutual claims.
It can also be added that if you initiated the breakup and do not have any desire to continue to communicate with your ex, it is better to leave in a good way, avoiding reproaches and stopping any communication with her.
If the initiator of the breakup was a girl, while you would like to return her to be with her, there are 2 options. The first is to hurt yourself by continuing to communicate with her and trying to return her, but getting constantly denied in this, and suffer.
The second option is to just forget your ex-girlfriend and promise yourself not to communicate with her, because soon you will find new darling which will be better than the previous one.
Everything in the world is not eternal and, unfortunately, it happens that love passes, and people have to leave, while in each individual case, the ex-girlfriend can remain as a friend, enemy, or even lover. We recommend that you read
OPTIONS HOW TO COMMUNICATE WITH YOUR EX-GIRL
REMAIN FRIENDS
Let's say right away that there is no friendship between a guy and a girl without carnal relations, be that as it may, but a spark of desire to engage in carnal pleasures will always slip between you. If you don’t have them, then no matter how you tell each other to remain friends, after a while you will have another girl, she has another boyfriend, and you will forget each other. In this case, you will know, but will not be friends. This happens because friends are valuable to the extent that they can help each other, if they are independent, the friendship will fade.Sooner or later, if you try to remain friends, one of you will try to return your relationship, the old reproaches and disagreements may appear, because of which you broke up. Therefore, there is no friendship between the former, there is a neutral relationship, or friendship for the sake of trying to return the relationship. So, answering the question of how to communicate with an ex-girlfriend with whom I no longer want to be, we will say this, do not remain friends, only a complete break in relations.
GIRL BACKUP
This option implies that if you broke up with a girl, then keep her on a backup option to start over. So, for example, you left the girl and don’t want to be with her, you already have a new one, but you are not sure about her and communicate with your ex-girlfriend just because if you don’t succeed with a new girl, you will return to the past . To keep this option, you will have to communicate with your ex-girlfriend in a style that will show her that you still love and want to be together, it’s just that now you are at a crossroads and are about to return to her. We recommend that you read
ONLY CARNAL RELATIONSHIPS
There are also cases when they communicate with ex-girlfriends only for the sake of carnal pleasures. For example, your characters are completely incompatible, which makes living together hellish torments, constant scandals and nervous breakdowns drive you crazy, but in carnal pleasures you are so good together that you fully and more satisfy each other. In this case, you can communicate with an ex-girlfriend only for the sake of platonic entertainment. Simply put, when people part, they remain lovers, but this option is the rarest.
in a good way
Most best option to communicate with an ex-girlfriend, it is, in general, never communicate with her. Your relationship is broken, you have become strangers, and a more interesting, beautiful and tender girl awaits you in the future, and leave the old in the past. Disperse like a gentleman, without reproaches and scandals, promise to remain friends, but not friends, but just acquaintances without claims to each other. We recommend that you readSpeaking in addition about how to communicate with a girl, it is worth noting that if you are the initiator of a breakup and you have no desire to further communicate with your ex-girlfriend, leave in a good way, without reproaches and scandals, stop all communication with her. If the initiator of the breakup is a girl, and you want to return her and be only with her, then there are two options. The first is to annoy yourself and hurt yourself, continuing to communicate with the girl, trying to return her and each time receiving a refusal that causes pain, to suffer. The second option is to forget her and tell myself that I will not communicate with my ex-girlfriend, because I will soon have a more beautiful and better girlfriend.
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