Question to a psychologist

Why, being in a company of more than 4 people, do I begin to close in on myself and become silent?

Psychologists Answers

Hello Natasha. You are closing because you begin to feel less interesting, less significant, less perfect, less original. Your self-esteem begins to forward movement down and you close. Probably, you initially evaluate yourself not clearly enough. When there are four people, the attention spent on each interlocutor decreases four times (according to the laws of mathematics). including, and attention to you decreases. Perhaps someone else, more talkative, interrupts him. And you begin to consider this dynamic, changing, chaotic, spontaneous structure as neglect of you. Then your vague fears about yourself are instantly confirmed, resentment arises due to ( rejection invented by you) and you become isolated. Under any circumstances, take yourself for the most beloved and adored. And you will see that everything will be different. This can be understood in more detail only during full-time work. Optimism to you!

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Hello Natasha.

Low self-esteem leads to insecurity and timidity. You are afraid to be not up to par, afraid of condemnation. In order to become the mistress of your life, you must love yourself, not compare with others, you are special and unique. Each of us knows how to do something better than others. Try to find your own strengths. Self-esteem is how you feel about yourself, how you see yourself and who you think you are. Good luck to you.

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Hello Natasha! A rather interesting and laconic question "why?", to which one really wants to answer "Because ...." and quote a textbook on psychology, perhaps several chapters, but ... If only everything were so simple and understandable, but each person is individual, and each has its own "because ...". Why do you think? With all people, or only with relatives, or only with strangers, or with some specific ones? At a party or at work? when you need to say something or be silent? and there are many such questions. Try to analyze all such questions, and, most likely, if you are honest with yourself, you will find the answer yourself. If it does not work out, contact a specialist, he will definitely help clarify.

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Stanford University employees conducted a survey that showed that 40% of the American population suffers from shyness. “Closedness,” which is often used as a synonym for shyness, is an advanced form of it. Self-care is the next stage. This is a way to recharge your own battery, to get away from unwanted reality, problems. A way to escape loneliness.

Women's magazine, Psychology, calls withdrawing into yourself the best sedative.

When a person does not receive proper rest or understanding from others, is in stressful situation, he withdraws into himself. He becomes less talkative, less emotional, as if he "hangs".

Do you want to know why a person can withdraw into himself, what does this mean and what is fraught with? Read the article.

What causes closure

1. Specialists from Hong Kong universities conducted an experiment on the effect of money on human behavior. The result showed that money, its picture or even the thought of it makes a person move away from people.
2. Rejection by society also leads to the fact that a person is looking for loneliness, forced to lie to people about his employment in order to be alone with himself.
3. When a man or woman does not meet love and understanding, he begins to avoid outside world. After all, there is much less criticism inside. A person closed himself in his experiences and compensates for the lack of attention of the community.
4. In children, according to a member International Association Academician Lyudmila Kataeva, isolation arises due to emotional distress. The child did not receive the proper spectrum positive emotions for a long time.

Why it's good to be alone

This is not to say that periodic reflection is useless. Only alone with yourself can you know and understand your motives.

After severe stress or emotional and physical overload, it is necessary to withdraw into yourself for a while. Then there is a rethinking of what happened, recharging the body, drawing up a further plan of action.

But keep yourself locked up for a long time it is forbidden. Then a person is threatened with the process of fundamental changes in consciousness and even in the work of the brain.

How it looks from the side

It cannot be said that a closed person immediately becomes inadequate. At first, he's just uncooperative. Will avoid crowded places. But later, the Cacioppo scientists from the University of Chicago are sure, this threatens with disorders and even an increased risk of “getting” tumors.

Gone inside gradually becomes irritable. Everything does not suit him, everything does not go according to his plan. A person can turn into a pliable "litter", lose his character and will always follow his lead.

Often such people are sloppy and poorly dressed, because they do not pay due attention to the outside.

Why is it dangerous to escape reality?

In single and closed people, tumors spread faster. The brain of such a person becomes more alert.

Often thoughts of possible dangers come. Such people are more prone to suicidal thoughts. According to WHO statistics, 16% of total suicides were closed and uncommunicative during their lifetime.

Hello. I am 16 years old and I am a very closed person. I can’t communicate with my peers, walking in some company always puts me in an awkward position, everyone always laughs at me. I don’t know how to communicate normally with people, I always experience anxiety in myself , awkwardness, I’m very uncomfortable when communicating with anyone. Even my parents turn away from me and say what kind of person I am, I’m learning to speak badly, I don’t know how, I never succeed, everything always falls out of my hands, I never I don’t understand the first time they ask me for something. I assured myself many times that I’m not like that and tried to think that I’m the best, but it still doesn’t help, and I have to spend all my time at the computer. Even you know, sometimes you just don’t want to live. Is there any way to solve my problem?
P.S But before going to bed, I always dream that soon I will become famous, rich, smart successful person and Morning to everyone who rotted me before, I don’t know if this will actually happen to me =)

Of course it will happen, but how else.

The main thing is to grow up and become an adult.

There in adulthood it will be much more interesting than now.

And you can change dramatically, the main thing is to grow up and see how you change!

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Yaroslav, hello!

If you just dream and do nothing, changes may happen. You just have to wait a long time...

If you really want to change - start right now.

The main thing - do not try to give yourself an assessment of the type - I'm the best or the worst. Each person is unique in their own way. It is important to know your weaknesses and strengths.And be able to use them at the right time.

Specifically determine what qualities of your personality interfere with your communication. What qualities would you like to develop in yourself?

Think about your strengths. You certainly have them. Find at least five such qualities to start with.

More topics for you - the art of effective communication, rhetoric.

When you identify your specific problems, look for answers on the Internet for each. Gradually you will understand something about yourself.

If possible, go to the training of effective communication (confident behavior).

Then you yourself will not notice how you become a successful person!

I wish you fruitful work on yourself and happiness!

Sincerely, Tatyana Bashmakova.

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Hello Yaroslav. At first glance it looks like vicious circle. But if you look closely, it turns out that this is an illusion of your life.

Parents can't turn their backs on their child! They can't get through to you. What if you start by making contact with your parents? You are already an adult, ask yourself to teach you something. After all, everything falls apart if there is no skill. Praise yourself more often. (There is always something for it, even for the fact that you are so brave and wanted to change yourself!).

Search the Internet for videos of programs with psychologists (for example, Sergey Kovalev), read books on communication.

And yet, listen, Yaroslav, well, not everyone can communicate, parents should teach this and you have to learn it yourself. Are you on the right way. Rehearse in front of a mirror, love your reflection: you are so unique and unique.

Everything would go faster in training. Although many self-made people have changed themselves, even as adults.

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In itself

Usually people withdraw into themselves because of the fear of hearing criticism in their address, fear of looking stupid in the eyes of others, exposing themselves to ridicule, and so on. In other words, it is easier for such individuals to remain on the sidelines than to once again attract attention to themselves. Suddenly the reaction will be negative.

Social phobes live with the constant feeling that those around them will reject them.

Some fear not so much the reaction to their actions as the fact that people will notice the inner excitement. So some bad thoughts cause even more negative emotions. It turns out a vicious circle.

In a number of special cases, shy individuals are afraid to speak in front of the public, eat in public places, walk down the street when they are being watched, and so on. Often, such a psychological disorder is associated with problems with self-esteem and a pessimistic view of reality. Hence the distorted idea of ​​oneself, society, life in general and one's place in this world.

Perhaps the roots of the problem should be sought in childhood experiences - constant criticism from parents, friends or relatives.

There is an exit

To combat self-isolation, many psychologists recommend the use of cognitive behavioral therapy. It is important to evaluate not what is happening around, but your reaction to it.

Sometimes bad thoughts are poorly realized, and sometimes they are denied.

During therapy, you need to keep track of all your negative emotions and try to replace them with positive ones in the future. Based on this, it is necessary to develop new standards of behavior and, in accordance with them, begin to act.

In addition, it must be remembered that thought is material. If you think you are a bore, people will see you as a bore. If you think you are interesting interlocutor, others will also notice a similar quality in you.

On the other hand, you can try to pull yourself together. Write down, in descending order, what scares you the most. Next, start facing your fears head-on, moving from the least to the most powerful.

Also learn to accept yourself as you are, attend group trainings to improve self-esteem, think only about the good, smile more often. Still, the existence of problems in the past does not mean that it will always be so.

If you cannot cope on your own, you should make an appointment with a psychologist. However, treatment most often involves exclusively non-prescribing therapy. medicines.

If isolation prevents you from having an interesting life, going to parties and having fun, meeting new people, it's time to get rid of it. It is difficult to do this, but it is possible. Only he can be successful who was able to overcome problems and step over his fears. It's time to go public! But what is the best way to do it? How to prepare yourself?

Reasons for isolation

A closed person sometimes does not even realize why it is so difficult for him to communicate with other people. And the reasons mainly come from childhood: all situations of unpleasant and unsuccessful communication are recorded by the subconscious and then, at similar moments, reproduce memories. Also, the causes of isolation are self-doubt, fear and constant excitement.

How to overcome isolation?

Start doing things that make you excited and afraid. Think carefully and write down on a piece of paper all the situations that make you uncomfortable. Then every day, consciously get into such situations, for example, try to get to know or, talk on the street with a stranger, compliment your boss, etc.

Make a new one every day little feat. And over time, you will notice that these situations no longer scare you.

Try to track your thoughts. After each unpleasant situation, it is imperative to write down all the feelings, sensations and emotions that you experienced at that moment. When you re-read them after some time, you will definitely understand the main reasons for your worries. After analyzing them, you can easily cope with the excitement in similar situations.

Sign up for psychological training. Experienced psychologists will teach you not to be afraid of communication and strangers. Usually such classes are held in groups where you can meet and communicate with the same closed people.

friendly atmosphere, game form, the absence of negativity will help overcome stiffness and tightness. After such preparation, going out to people will not be so scary.

Learn to love yourself. Think only good things. After each unpleasant situation, do not blame yourself, but try to figure out what provoked your behavior. Do not compare yourself to anyone, because you are an individual person. Surely there are situations that you cope with easily and quickly, despite the isolation. A smile on your face is a sign of self-confidence. Smile more often, even when no one is watching. Just smile in the mirror to yourself, over time this skill will be fixed.

As soon as you start working hard on yourself and overcome isolation, communication problems will gradually disappear, and soon you will be able to go out without much hesitation. But this requires active actions and a great desire.

Details Created: 06/23/2016 18:21

Before we find out what needs to be done in order to become talkative, there are several reasons why some people are not very talkative, i.e. unsociable.

shyness

First, there is such a thing as shyness. If a person is shy, it means that it is difficult for him to meet, talk with new people due to the fact that he lacks self-confidence. Another one of possible causes The taciturnity of some people lies in the fact that they sometimes have nothing to say - either they understand little of anything, or they have a poor lexicon. In addition to these two cases, it may be that a person is smart, and well-read, and not shy, but he does not easily find a topic for conversation, is not flexible enough in communication. Because of all these reasons, it becomes difficult to communicate with people.

Let us consider in more detail the situation when a person is not very talkative, he lacks confidence in communication. If there is a high self-confidence - easy communication goes by itself. It is easy to communicate with those who are sure that he is good, capable, and worthy of being accepted, listened to, loved and communicated with him. Insecure people tend to have doubts about this. They are tormented by thoughts: “I’ll come up, I’ll start talking, but will they like me?”, “Will they accept me?”, “Maybe I’ll say something stupid?” and so on. And more often than not, instead of finding answers to these questions, they prefer not to communicate. Lack of sociability and isolation sometimes become the norm of life.

To overcome communication insecurities, I recommend taking a few steps. The first of them - try to adequately evaluate yourself. Look at yourself in the mirror and in the end make sure that among the seven billion people that exist on the planet, there is someone better than you, someone worse than you, someone more beautiful, someone not so good. All these people, along with you, have approximately the same talents and abilities. In order to create the right self-esteem for yourself and show yourself that you are worth something, reflect on your skills and abilities, find your merits, remember your achievements for Lately, and make sure that you really are not worse than others.

At the second stage, in order to overcome insecurity in communication and become more talkative, you need to find in yourself the desire to make contact with people. If you find it really difficult to communicate, find an opportunity to explain to yourself why you need it. Motivate yourself. Remember that if you communicate more often, with each new time it will be easier for you to do this, you will become more sociable. If you are afraid of communication, afraid that you will be poorly evaluated, then understand that until you go through the fear of being evaluated by other people, you will not feel like a worthy person. In order to learn to speak, one must speak. And to be talkative, you have to talk. Therefore, even when you are not confident in yourself, you should take a step towards the conversation and train in communication.

Third important point, which should be considered to overcome insecurity in communication and shyness - it should be remembered that appetite comes with eating. You need to motivate yourself, repeat to yourself that it will be easier further, it will be more interesting, further it will turn out more. But in order for this to happen, you need to take the first steps. These thoughts will help you motivate yourself if you are still having a hard time communicating due to self-doubt.

Nothing to say

Now let's consider the situation where some people are reticent because they have nothing to say. This situation suggests that they think little, read little, think little, observe little. They live more of a reactive life. That is, it somehow rolls by itself, and a person is simply included in this life.

In order to become talkative in such a situation, it is very important to turn on mental processes. There are many ways to do this. For example, when you watch a movie, try to think and understand what was interesting for you in this film. This can be done in writing, or you can simply evaluate, retell, or just think for yourself.

The second approach is called paraphrase. When you have read or heard something, try to retell it. Retelling gives us the opportunity to choose the right words, train our brain and learn how to express our thoughts well and correctly.

The third important exercise in developing communication skills is to try to think about what new did you learn for yourself in some work, in some poem, film, and so on, think about how this can be useful for you. This exercise trains our brain in such a way that we begin to analyze the information, try to understand it, understand the essence and, perhaps, even find the hidden meaning.

Finally, the fourth exercise that will help your development of sociability is simply read poetry and prose aloud. This will give you the opportunity to hear yourself from the outside and correct your speech, if necessary. By regularly doing these exercises, you will suddenly find that you have learned to reflect, express your thoughts, convey your point of view, and so on.

So, we looked at a number of exercises and tips that can help you become talkative in two cases: when a person is not confident in himself, and when he is not used to thinking, reasoning, or is not able to express his thoughts freely. However, confidence in communication is gained not only by the person who can tell or retell something, but by the one who knows how to freely operate with different interesting topics. In order to learn how to do this, it is important not only to broaden your horizons, but also to acquire the ability to think quickly and switch quickly.

In order to be able to speak well, I recommend not only reading a lot, thinking a lot, but also listening to the interlocutor in order to turn on in time and support any point of view, any conversation.

To learn how to quickly switch, you should practice the ability to quickly express your point of view on different topics. There is a game that can help develop this skill. The game is called "The Smartest", you may have seen it on TV. In this game, the child is quickly asked questions, and he quickly tries to orient himself and answer each of the questions. You can play the same game with one of your friends: let him ask some questions on different topics, and you must quickly answer them. Regular training will give you the opportunity to quickly switch, freely operate with thoughts, as a result of which you will begin to speak very well and vividly.