A lot of people complain that they are completely unlucky in life. And it seems that everything really goes well for them. in the best way: there are problems in the family, things are not going well at work, relatives and friends strive to criticize at every step, to do some meanness. How to stop being a victim when everyone turns away from you? What should be done to address such pressing issues? How not to lose your personality in this maelstrom of events?

The most important thing that distinguishes this inner feeling of being a worthless and weak person. This is how most losers feel. It seems to them that everyone intentionally wants to offend them. Sometimes it even comes to the point of absurdity, and any contact is perceived as a way to get benefits from their person. This article is devoted to the question of how to get rid of the feeling of internal dissatisfaction with life, how to stop being a victim.

Origins of the problem

Any difficulties associated with communication, the attitude of the people around us come from childhood. Exactly at early years a person accumulates invaluable experience of interaction with society: it can be both positive and negative. If a person, every time she needs to show her inner essence, is embarrassed and hides, and then takes offense at loved ones, then there is a victim situation.

The person himself does not notice how he gradually begins to try on this role. If we are treated unfairly in childhood, this experience is undoubtedly stored in the head. In the future, a person begins to reproduce such a destructive behavior pattern with those who are nearby at the moment. Until a person himself is aware of his problem, nothing will ever change in his life.

This is the best answer to the question of how to stop being a victim in a relationship. Start giving your own feelings at least a little attention and care.

Main manifestations

Most often, these individuals refuse to have their own opinion, to express their desires aloud. Nobody knows what they really think, because people prefer to keep their mouths shut. They speak relatively little, more and more silent and thinking about their own. Great sensitivity must be exercised in deciding how to stop being a victim. The psychology of a person rejected by all is such that he has too low an opinion of himself to act boldly, assertively. It seems to him that he will definitely fail, because he does not even make any attempts to change the situation.

How to stop feeling like a victim? Sacrifice itself is a consequence of improper upbringing in childhood, the formation of becoming an adult, such a person cannot be fully realized in own family, career, to show their best side. And all because once the conviction was strengthened in a person that he is not capable of anything good. Many consider themselves complete nonentities who have no idea how to solve the most elementary problem. The rejection of ambitions, aspirations leaves a serious imprint on the personality, makes it withdraw into itself and not let anyone into its inner world. How to stop being a victim? Try following these simple tips.

Working with self-esteem

You need to start small. Before talking about self-realization and high aspirations, it is necessary to work out your own grievances, to feel no less significant person than all the rest. Self-esteem work involves accepting your own personality without any judgment. When we constantly experience a state of stress, it becomes more difficult to believe in the available prospects. I would like someone to note our achievements, talk about the need to be ourselves, praise for something. But this usually doesn't happen. How to stop seeing yourself as a victim? Start stocking up on your own accomplishments. Point out what is special about you that others don't. You cannot be such an inconspicuous and uninteresting person.

Don't expect approval from those around you. Start loving yourself not for any merit, but just because you exist on this earth. The fact is that others treat us the way we allow ourselves to be treated. No need to belittle your person in a conversation with someone or try to influence the feeling of pity. So your self-respect will not increase. If you are seriously thinking about how to stop being a victim in life, then it's time to take action.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and cherish your own failure in every possible way. Begin to gradually come out of the shadows and learn to enjoy everything that happens to you. Help other people. Highlight those who need care and support at this point in time. This The best way accumulate positive impressions as soon as possible, make you feel needed.

Personal development

Probably no one will argue with the fact that each person is unique. We are all quite different from each other, and this is the great diversity of the world. Anyone who suffers from low self-esteem and tortures himself with harsh self-criticism cannot figure out how to stop being a victim. It is sometimes so difficult to overcome the feeling of hopelessness that a person does not notice the nearby prospects at all. It is even more difficult for him to believe that he means something to others. Meanwhile, it is so important to learn to appreciate yourself, because no one else will do it for you.

The development of the personality of a person should begin with the awareness of one's own physical and internal attractiveness. When a person realizes how he is different from others, this gives him an additional incentive to act in relation to himself and no longer think about how to stop being a victim. Psychology is a science that helps to cope with existing problems, overcome significant difficulties.

Talents and abilities

Paradoxically, but what more people gifted, the stronger his need to hide in his protective "cocoon" is expressed. That's why many creative people are deeply introverted, lead an extremely closed life and do not let strangers into their world. Such inner wariness prevents the manifestation of personality, true desires and needs. You need to open yourself up creative nature, strive to realize talents, then a sense of self-sufficiency will be added.

Sacrifice in a couple

Sometimes it happens that people live together for a long time, but one of them does not notice that the other half constantly suffers for one reason or another. How to stop feeling like a victim in a relationship? First you need to understand yourself, understand why this is happening. After all, it is easiest to accuse a partner of injustice. You should understand where you are "substituting", why it is convenient to offend you or not notice at all. The reasons may be the following: often women do not feel attractive enough, do not have education, do not take advantage of the opportunities that life gives. Then comes the moment of insight and you have to think a lot about how to stop being a victim of your husband. Just start respecting yourself.

How to learn to appreciate yourself?

Healthy self-respect has never hurt anyone. It is able to protect us from various unforeseen situations, when the perception of one's "I" can noticeably change not in better side. Self-respect should be brought up by the method of willpower. First of all, start asking yourself what you really want. Realizing our own desires, we acquire a certain confidence. Awareness of the value of one's personality also comes when a person achieves some significant success. To speed up the process of forming the concept of "I am a value", it is necessary to note every little thing, even a detail that is insignificant at first glance.

Show others that you are to be reckoned with. Otherwise, there is always a risk of becoming that person whom no one notices. There is nothing sadder than when people diligently avoid their own individuality, do not allow themselves to be fully happy. Learn to appreciate yourself at all You just need to really want to achieve your goals.

Self-realization

It is important to reveal your inner nature, to fully express what you have inside. All you need to do is stop being a victim and start living. Self-realization helps in those cases when it seems that everything is already lost. Only by starting to do what you love and putting some effort into it, you can feel better, more confident than ever before.

Anyone who directs forces for a long time, having a very specific goal in front of him, will certainly achieve the desired result. And having a significant achievement behind you, it is simply impossible to continue to consider yourself a worthless and mediocre person.

How to deal with resentment

Everyone has experienced the manifestations of someone's injustice. Sometimes long-term resentment prevents a person from living happily, obscures everything with itself, prevents the appearance of beautiful changes. It also becomes a tangible barrier to feeling like a significant person. Only by overcoming this pain, you can regain a state of integrity. Remember: sacrifice is not the essence of the personality, but only its temporary position, until the problem is solved. You must try to forgive yourself and your offenders. You can't live with a heavy burden on your heart all the time. It is also very unhealthy: various diseases may appear, which will not be so easy to cope with.

Help from a specialist

Why loans are bad

It only looks attractive: allegedly, you can not wait for the receipt of the necessary money in order to get all the pleasures of life. In fact, there is a big trap here. When we are forced to borrow, then we have to be nervous and worried in order to repay the debt on time. You can't take full advantage of something you haven't earned. This brings additional anxiety and self-doubt.

You are borrowing from your future, which means you are questioning and selling your freedom. How to stop being a victim of loans? Just force yourself to get rid of this addiction. Attach certain ones and you, in the end, will emerge victorious from this situation. It is worth stopping yourself at least a few times and you can save a lot of money.

Instead of a conclusion

The state of the victim does not lead to the development of personality. On the contrary, such a person often becomes suspicious and unhappy. And then we think that we have been offended in vain, we don’t want to take care of ourselves, develop to the fullest, move forward, make grandiose plans. And a person is satisfied with small achievements, although he could have achieved great results.

unfortunate or happy man do only
his thoughts, not external circumstances. driving
with his thoughts, he governs his happiness.

Friedrich Nietzsche

The consciousness of the victim destroys the soul and life of a person. Being in a state of sacrifice, a person moves away from the possibility of being happy. He lets resentment, anger and fear rule his life.

Today you will know how to get out of being a victim and fill your life with love and joy, where there is no place for complaints, regrets, anger and condemnation.

Bonus for readers:

Thank people for pressing on your pain points and thus forcing you to move towards a better life. And take action to change your life.

2. Take responsibility for your life and make your own decisions

Realize that only you are responsible for your life and happiness. In any situation that happened to you, the responsibility lies with you. It was you who allowed the situation to develop in this way.

Don't count on someone to come and help you out of difficult circumstances. That someone will offer you a solution, and you will accept help with advice and do nothing.

Every time you find yourself in trouble, ask yourself the question: What exactly did I do to resolve and get out of this situation?

3. Stop getting other people's attention with whining and self-pity.

Find another way if you need that kind of attention. Make it so that people, paying attention to you, admire, not regret.

Telling the situation, don't complain, just share information. Learn to express your feelings, not complain: “I’m hurt, I’m angry,” instead of “I did so much for them, but they ...”

A well-being can also be shared, told and infect others with a good mood.

Be the viruses of happiness. It is much more useful and pleasant for yourself and for those around you.

4. Learn to find the wisdom of the situation

The trouble has already happened. You have two options: either fall victim, or find something positive for yourself even in the worst situation.

The most difficult circumstances can turn into something good for you. Look for the positive in difficult situations.

Remember, everything that happened to you is appropriate and bears its deep meaning . Try to catch it.

Ask higher power show the wisdom of the situation, if it is not possible to understand on your own.

Ask yourself leading questions that will help you find a way out of this situation:

• Why do I have this problem?
• In what direction to move?
• What steps to take to get closer to the desired result?

Learn how to find pearls of wisdom in situations.

5. Live in the Here and Now

Don't live in the past or the future. Looking into the future, you miss something important for yourself in the present, as you live in fantasies and illusions.

And stuck in the past, you take on the burden of old events, which prevents you from moving forward quickly and easily.

It's like a suitcase without a handle, which is heavy and inconvenient to carry, but you can't decide to throw it away.

In order to make the right decision and move on, you need to be in an even state, in the here and now.

6. Believe in yourself and your strengths

Everything that happens to you is independent of external circumstances is a reflection of your internal state. Start loving yourself and appreciate the experiences you have gained.

No one can handle your problems better than you.

7. Stop beating yourself up

Switch your attention to something else. Thinking and going in circles in thoughts does not solve the problem, but only plunges you more into the state of the victim.

Don't waste your energy on hovering in negative thoughts, it is better to direct energy to solve the situation.

Think of something nice for you. This will help you get out of a painful state and fill you with energy.

Catch the moments where and who you complain about during the month. Watch and stop impulses to feel sorry for yourself.

Having done it once, you will understand and remember the process itself - how to get out of the state of the victim. And by repeating it more than once, you can easily learn how to switch.

As a result, you will generally stop hanging out in a state of self-pity.

Caught yourself in such a state - analyzed - caught the essence - got the wisdom shown by this situation for you - smiled and went on to enjoy life further.

What to do if a loved one is in the role of a victim. How to deal with victims

It is easy to see in the surrounding people that a person plays the role of a sufferer. It is more difficult to help a loved one get out of this game.

Being close to the victim is difficult, often unbearable and painful. But until the person himself wishes to get out of this state, it is difficult to help him from the outside.

Do not discount the feelings of loved ones

Personal story in which she shares her experience of how to withdraw native person from a painful state and at the same time not to fall into pity.

“After the financial crisis, my husband was depressed for several years. I tried not to interfere, I only strengthened myself in order to oppose something to his blues. What helped me?

1. He liked to repeat that in two months (two years, two centuries) we would have nothing to eat and in general we would all die. Then I became stronger in how useful it is to live here and now.

At some point, I stopped being led by this and turned on in response, but simply answered that now we have a full refrigerator, and we will think about “later” later.

1. I compiled a questionnaire based on the book “Radical Forgiveness” by Colin Tipping, where I analyzed this situation from my side and tried to forgive and let it go.
2. I gave him certificates for a good massage, because in men the body suffers a lot, but they themselves do not always feel it.
3. When he began to let go a little (and this coincided with the 12th anniversary of our acquaintance), I bought a photo frame for three photos.

In two I inserted his photographs, where he smiles, and in the third I wrote, for which I am grateful to him and that I am very glad that we are going through life together and overcoming difficulties.

She suggested leaving all the problems in the old cycle and entering the new one with a clean slate.

That is, she voiced her desires of the Universe and introduced her husband to them :)))) Now this triptych is hanging in our bedroom.

And most importantly, I learned from my example that do not underestimate the feelings of a person and say: “Come on, nonsense, it will pass.”

Because if he can cope with this, he will receive great strength, and if he accepts, then he will live wounded.

It is necessary to help not to chew, but it is not necessary to devalue.

Translate the state of fullness

Advice from Alena Starovoitova, a fragment from the accompanying webinar for clients of the Keys of Mastery Training Center:

“If you see that relatives feel bad, that they are suffering, it is impossible to reach out with your head when a person is depressed, in a state of survival. He won't understand or hear.

But broadcast radiate the energy of healing, love you can with the permission of their Higher Self.

The full state works well. Thus, you transfer their problems to the decision of the Higher aspects.

On the other hand, you help, support, but not with words and actions, but by broadcasting certain level energy."

We will be grateful for your comments. Tell us how you get out of the role of a victim!

» Victim complex

© Tatyana Bolotova

If an accident happened...
How to get rid of the victim complex

Fragment of the book Bolotova T.E. Stop whining! Take action! Moscow: Peter, 2013

The book of the famous St. Petersburg psychologist Tatyana Bolotova covers the entire spectrum of personal problems. Real stories and unique psychotechniques make it indispensable for any age. How to survive the betrayal of a loved one? How to get out of the circle of loneliness? How to get rid of the victim complex? How to protect a child from drug addiction? How to get your husband's attention back? How to recognize a good lover? How to decipher an obsessive dream? How to deal with a manipulative person? How to achieve the desired goal? This book will help you get useful, qualified answers to these (and many other) questions.

There are people who always have a bad time whenever you meet them. As if, apart from their misfortunes, they have nothing to boast of. Why is it that with someone in life all sorts of troubles constantly happen, and someone lives without even blowing his mustache? How to recognize the “victim complex” in yourself in time and build relationships with people around you.

Complaints about life

The mother of the family applied for psychological help: Her 10-year-old daughter regularly pees in her pants. A normal, mentally developed girl without any medical "excuses" does this almost every day. Enuresis is also something unusual! Not night, not day - the girl empties bladder while walking home from school. So far, no one knows about her problem, diapers help out, but it’s clear that you can’t hide an awl in a bag. Everything secret will someday become clear, and then write wasted: an unpleasant nickname will stick to the girl. The problem was solved - they saved the mother from the daily washing of her daughter's underwear.

Along the way, they found out that her youngest son also had a psychosomatic disease - asthma. He can't go to kindergarten, so she is still at home, does not work in her specialty (works as a cleaner at a local club). And her husband drinks too! Every evening she wonders how he will return home today. In general, the problem on the problem and the problem drives ...

We begin to promote a film about her life in reverse side. It turns out that ten years ago she had a very happy family. Long years she and her husband dreamed of a child, and finally the Lord had mercy - he gave them a daughter. Happiness knew no bounds! Seven years later, a beloved son appeared in the family. This is where all the problems began: the baby's illness, the daughter's enuresis, the husband's drunkenness. As if each of them, with their illnesses, wants to deploy it only to themselves! The state of sacrifice is characteristic of our heroine...

There are people who, when you meet them, everything is always bad: relatives do not understand, they do not appreciate at work, there is not enough money, only troubles happen, they themselves only get sick, are treated, get sick again, etc. One gets the impression that that they have only one gray-black stripe in their lives, without any gaps. Call such a person, and he will start listing you what happened to him for a short time! I'm not glad I remembered him! And you think to yourself: “Does he really have more problems than me?”

View from the outside

As practice shows, the number of troubles and misfortunes that fall in life to the lot of one person is generally the same. On average, once every 5–7 years, something necessarily happens to each of us: we all slowly grow old, and so do our parents; children grow up and give in to less and less control on our part; mechanisms fail, etc., etc. (So if nothing happened to you or your loved ones during the previous 5 years, get ready, perhaps everything will happen at once.) Life is “merciful” to everyone! She did not give a child to someone, she took away the most precious thing from someone; someone was born disabled, and someone himself missed his chance to become someone, etc. Someone is now crying over the grave of his mother, and someone will never experience motherly love, because he grew up in an orphanage. As they say, everyone has their own skeleton in the closet.

Why is it that only people answer the question: “How are you?” they answer with a smile: “Everything is fine,” while others begin to list all their misfortunes? Moreover, it seems that both of them, in principle, do not commit any violence against their memory: good and bad memories pop up on their own ...

Some research shows that in whiners, because of some kind of biochemical failure, pleasant experiences do not remain in the memory for a long time. This happens, for example, in the case when the "hormone of joy" - serotonin - is produced by the body in insufficient quantities. And the point here is not temperament (melancholic, choleric, etc.). A person can be full of strength and energy, be active and persistent, and still complain about life for any reason. That is, he behaves like a complete hypochondriac - he feels good only when he feels bad.

There is a problem?

There is also a psychological point of view on this phenomenon. Let's take two small children as an example. Due to circumstances or because of their nature, parents do not pay enough attention to one of them - they are constantly busy with some of their adult affairs. And then the child notices that if he is calm, cheerful or busy with something, no one cares about him. But... as soon as he starts crying, everyone immediately runs to him! Parents do not encourage another child to such tearful behavior, they bring him up in a somewhat “Spartan” spirit: “Fell, got up on his own, went on ...”. But they are attentive to him when he tells them something funny and interesting about his life. Which of these kids do you think is more likely to become a whiner?

In addition, the role of the "unfortunate" brings a bunch of psychological benefits to its owner. Firstly, he is always given more public attention than the same “lucky one”, and secondly, someone can even “peck” on his problems and try to solve them instead of him (by the way, there will be countless attempts - who will refuse the "freebie"). But this is all - the minimum program.

Ultimately, a person is left alone - without friends and without people who want to listen to his constant complaints about life, because in nature there is such a phenomenon as "psychological induction". Simply put, when one person in a conversation mentions something “bad” (illness, unpleasant incidents, etc.), the other - his interlocutor - immediately associatively recalls something similar from his life. For example, what comes to your mind when someone says, “I had a toothache yesterday”? Most likely, some thought about your own teeth, isn't it? It turns out that when your friend begins to list his troubles, you involuntarily remember your own problems too. Who after this will have the former, good mood?! Naturally, next time you will already intuitively avoid such a “provocateur of misfortunes”.

By the way, this method of psychological induction is often used in their practice by various types of manipulators. They know how to arouse in another person the mood they need, a certain way of thinking, a desire to have a conversation on an appropriate topic.

If you want a man to talk to you about his brother, tell him about yours first.
M. G. Erickson

Everyone has enough problems. It's just that most people prefer not to talk about them in vain: the day and hour will come - and they will solve their problem themselves. It's time for the whiners to act!

We explain why and how...

Clue

If you do not want to be left all alone, start small - watch your speech. Elementary stop yourself (or allow your friends and relatives to do it) when you want to complain to someone about life once again. Moreover, when meeting with your acquaintance, start telling him some funny episode from your life (case, anecdote, etc.). Keep quiet about the rest! Thus, you will gain a new experience of communicating with other people. You will learn what it means to see your friends “inspired” by you, to hear in response to your unexpected arrival: “It’s good that you came to me!”, to feel that the world needs you, that you are remembered everywhere, loved and expected, because know that you bring only joy and light with you.

And finally - a famous parable. One Eastern ruler had a dream that all his teeth fell out. Then he called two of his astrologers to him and asked them to explain what this meant ... One soothsayer interpreted his dream in this way: “O my lord! Big trouble awaits you! You will bury all your loved ones and relatives, one by one…” Vladyka was annoyed by this news, and he ordered the execution of such a predictor of misfortunes… Then another astrologer, taking into account his experience, told him about the same thing, only in other words: “ Oh lord, I have good news for you! You will live so long that you will outlive all your near and dear ones.” The Lord was pleased. The predictor received an award for such an interpretation of sleep.

Exactly the same in life! It is not the fate of a person that is important, the main thing is his idea of ​​\u200b\u200bhere. As humorists joke, the pessimist believes that things are rubbish and will get even worse; the optimist, on the other hand, believes that the matter is so rubbish that it cannot get any worse. And by a strange coincidence, for some reason, an optimist attracts luck more often than others. As they say, a horse of luck can ride past everyone, but not everyone is ready to jump on her back.

Or maybe it's just more pleasant for people to deal with an optimist? The choice is yours!

Betrayed by a friend

Two friends were network business- distributed cosmetics among their friends. At first everything was fine. The first parties, the first own chains, the first real money... Soon the first problems began. And not only money (the exchange rate of the ruble has changed, a consignment of goods has disappeared, someone refused to redeem the promised order, etc.).

The main problem was that with their commodity-money relations they littered the most precious thing they had - human communication. Indeed, in the distribution network, the movement of goods occurs through the channels of interpersonal relations. At first, a person becomes a distributor just like that - out of boredom, for the sake of interest, in order to earn money for an extra sandwich with caviar ... In the end, the idea of ​​sales captures him completely. Moreover, everything is provided for this in the system itself - courses, bonuses, entertainment corporate events. So our ladies, after a couple of months, could not talk or think about anything but selling their products. Any conversation that began, they deliberately translated into a topic that was significant to them - self-care with the help of their newfangled cosmetic line. Friends, and those began to be afraid to invite them to the house: they knew that they would definitely impose a catalog on them. And this means - a new waste of money and a dirty feeling that someone just used someone blindly.

In the end, the crack lay between the friends. One did not forgive the other for a $40 shortfall. It would seem, what a trifle! And it was enough that their friendship was interrupted for many years.

There is an opinion that such a phenomenon as female friendship simply does not exist in nature. She is too short-lived and changeable! Like a light bulb in an emergency house: it also constantly blinks from a change in voltage until it goes out completely (apparently from too much heat). Only women have such a thing as a “heartfelt friend”, men don’t even have such a definition - “heartfelt friend” (from such friendship it immediately blows some other weakness).

View from the outside

What is the basis of female friendship? As a rule, a mutual outpouring of accumulated problems to each other. A typical female conversation in such a situation: “What did he say?” - "No, you think what I went through!" etc. Girlfriends share their secrets, tell without hiding about the most painful, suffering, tormenting each of them. They talk excitedly, interrupting each other, getting more and more excited by the topic under discussion ... Complete mutual understanding! Physicists would call this phenomenon "induction"...

Psychologists would warn about setting an "anchor" in the subconscious of both women. What does it mean? The fact that the interlocutors develop a specific reflex to a certain topic of conversation, to the appropriate mood, to the entourage of the conversation (coffee, cigarettes, postures, etc.). That is why, if one of them suddenly changes for the better, the old friend “accidentally” turns out to be out of place. The fact is that with the familiar atmosphere of gatherings, the topic of conversation and even intonations, one or the other involuntarily returns the current lucky woman to the old days, “when it was so bad that you don’t even want to remember.” Simply put, the performance has changed - it's time to change the scenery.

For men, things are somewhat different. Unlike the fleeting female friendship, which is more tied to love likes and dislikes, male friendship can last for years and even decades. If only because the "stronger sex" is generally brought up differently. Paradoxically, a man is more worried that he does not have a single friend than because he does not have a single girlfriend (or, for example, that he is not married at all). And besides, their interpersonal communication is of a completely different kind: as a rule, it is not of such a bright emotional intensity as that of the other half of humanity. Male friendship is usually based on spending time together, common interests and even political views (you must admit that values ​​of this kind are more stable over time). Communication between men consists more of generalized conversations about politics, work, sports, hobbies, etc. They do not converge so quickly and do not “intertwine” with each other so closely with their “sores”.

In extreme cases, in order to solve a specific problem (discord in the family, dismissal from work, illness of someone close), they state a certain fact and make a request, nothing more ...

There is a problem?

Sometimes we mistakenly take for friendship an ordinary community of interests with another person: territorial (dormitory, communal apartment, etc.), professional (one place of work, study, etc.), leisure (single company, disco, etc.). ). New circumstances arise - and the connection ends. And it also happens like this: one person considers himself a friend of another, and the other refers him only to the circle of his friends. Or one is only interested in another person's position, position, money, connections, etc., that is, only what this person owns in currently time, but not the person himself as a person. In such cases, of course, disappointment in the "friend" is inevitable. Some call it betrayal. Or maybe it was just not friendship? After all, she can do without evidence for a long time. Moreover, hypocrisy in friendship is generally not uncommon (in love, such a trick will not work: there are not enough words alone, you also need to act). In true friendship initially there is mutual interest. Only such friendship can stand the test of strength both in time and place, and in a tangle of twisted intrigues! Through separation, through the pain of misunderstanding, friends find each other again, as if there were no past years ... "Traitor" was just a temporary companion on someone's life path. Gone? And thank God! As they say, in long way you shouldn't go with a lame mare.

Most likely, the true reason why this or that person "betrayed" another, the victim of someone else's treachery will never know. And why? Any act, as a rule, has several motives, and everyone also has their own truth. As a specialist in other people's secrets, I can say one thing: "Sometimes it's such a trifle that you can only wonder!" For example, one friend divulged a secret to another only because her husband somehow in bed accidentally mentioned the name of the latter out of place. Women in general often break friendships because of all sorts of love misunderstandings (relationships with a beloved man are sometimes an order of magnitude higher for them than all their friends put together).

But the most interesting thing happens later... After some time, a person who has committed an unseemly act (and who himself knows about it), ultimately justifies his meanness! Psychological defense mechanisms work. It can also be a sincere denial of the act, for example: “Stupidity, I didn’t do it!” Someone simply projects their actions and intentions onto another person (“Do you know how he treated me?”) Or rationalizes their own actions (“I did it because she deserved it”), etc. Someone then in general he denies everything, acting according to the principle of reactivity: "Everything was completely different." Believe me, no one wants to be a Judas! Living with a guilt complex is a heavy, and for some, an unbearable burden. It's easier to throw mud at someone else! Which is what everyone usually does.

You can commit meanness, if you already went for it, but it’s completely vile to regret it later.
S. Maugham

Of course, it is not easy to forget the person who betrayed you. The wound whines and makes itself felt every time someone casually mentions his name. But not everything is so hopeless...

Clue

First you need to change the image of the betrayer with the help of psychotechnics. Options are possible! Choose whichever you like best.

For example, imagine the name former friend, beloved, written in chalk on a blackboard. There is a wet rag nearby... Tell yourself: "When I'm ready, I'll take a rag and wash this board clean, clean..." You can imagine the name of a person you hate written on a piece of paper. You used the paper for its intended purpose, and you no longer need it. Where should it be thrown? That's where it mentally (or in reality) and throw it away.

Or you can create this image: fragments of your favorite (or not so) cup are lying on the floor, one of them is engraved with the name of your former friend. Of course, it's a pity that this cup broke... But, on the other hand, you will agree that if you really, really valued it, it would not have broken: you would just have caught it on the fly. And now its place in the trash can. What can you do? Cups tend to break...

Interestingly, for what amount would you agree not to meet with this or that person anymore? Probably, even for $500 they would have agreed to interrupt an acquaintance that was not very necessary (“It’s neither cold nor hot for me from him”). They would not part with a close, beloved person, go, for any money (“How will I live without him?”). And for someone, perhaps, they themselves would have paid a little extra (“Just never see her (him) again!”). This is the measure of human relations! As they say, money is not people, it will not be superfluous.

Distribution of elephants

One of my acquaintances, big child”, got a couple of thousand dollars due to one multi-level marketing. And it was like that. A childhood friend called him, boasted how well he now lives thanks to one company (he bought a refrigerator, is going on a trip soon, etc.). He did not explain the details - he simply invited him with him to the next presentation of their "business plan". Our victim remembers the meeting itself with difficulty, although at first there was no alcohol at all ... He remembers checks, remembers cheerful presenters, applause and a complete feeling of some kind of universal love. In general, the euphoria of joy and happiness lasted about 5 hours, after which they signed the relevant papers in their right mind and sober memory. And the next day, the required amount was given ...

Knowing this person, so prudent and thoughtful, one can only be surprised at the professionalism of scammers. However, I will note one point: our “hero” lost quite a certain amount - the one that he had long wanted to spend on a subconscious level. He had this money of “easy origin” (and what we get easily is just as easily spent). He also consoled himself quickly enough: “I must have bought them off from something more terrible!” Here's the smart one! But why did he fall into the trap of scammers? After all, in his opinion, he knew everything about them.

View from the outside

According to criminologists, the behavior of a scammer is not diverse. The whole algorithm of its action is visible at a glance ...

The first step is to stop the client, preferably not in a hurry, tuned in to receive new information from the outside. Various tricks are used: “Let me smoke” (at the gypsies), “Please press the button” (at the hawkers in the market), “Let me give you perfume” (at the distributors on the street). The task is one - to bring down habitual move thoughts of a person, to make sure that he no longer thinks about his own, but has not yet had time to think about another. A sort of pause in associative-logical thinking...

The second step is to get close enough to the chosen “loha”, invade his intimate zone (20-30 cm) and force him to complete the first someone else's assignment. Read from him - by eye movement, facial expressions, body position - the information necessary for the manipulator, adjust to his psychotype - and that's it, a fish on the hook! Then everything goes according to the scenario: “setup”, “loving another”, “freebie, pliz”, etc.

The last stage is an overload of the "biocomputer" of the client. The speech of a fraudster, as a rule, is like a stream that flows around all obstacles: affectionate, rhythmic, it sounds almost without pauses. The consciousness of the victim goes off scale from such an abundance of unprocessed information, it can be said to freeze, which was what was required to be achieved. As they say, the client has matured, "and do with him what you want" ...

There is a problem?

There is such a science - victimology. It is she who studies, analyzes, sorts out the behavior of the injured party, including in various criminal situations. After all, any violence against a person (physical, moral, mental) is possible only if there are two of its halves - the victim and her villain.

As practice shows, there are three categories of people - victims of different circumstances. The first is those who have a bad attitude towards themselves as individuals, therefore they allow the same to be done with themselves and other people. Perhaps such a person in childhood was not the most beloved child in the family or lived in marginal (neither here nor there) conditions. Basically, he early years this psychological niche of the “outcast of society” is habitual and he simply does not look for another for himself (there are no communication skills in opposite situations). It is he who is friends with a traitor, loves a scoundrel and goes to a company that will surely be rejected ... He is better off being a universal scapegoat than nobody in the emptiness of his loneliness! From such people the future legion of "victims of violence", "unfortunate wives" and "lowered boys" is formed.

The second category is the so-called savior of humanity. That is, a person who constantly in his life saves someone, reconciles, separates, takes responsibility for others. He cares about everything - from fighting cats on the stairs to a quarrel in the next compartment. Naturally, with such an abundance of provocative situations, the probability of suffering for nothing for him approaches almost one. It is he who, as a rule, is the first to be in the “jailhouse”, the emergency room and the list for dismissal. Usually this type of behavior is observed in people who are older by birth (older brother or sister), accustomed from childhood by their parents to “increased obligations”, to an all-consuming sense of responsibility for our smaller brothers, etc.

And the last variety is "the person is the favorite of the public." It seems that the hero of the story told above belongs to this uncomplicated category ... He is so confident in himself and his “goodness” that he simply begins to underestimate the very likelihood of a bad attitude towards himself according to the principle: “Nothing can happen to me, because I am all love!" This attitude, most likely, was instilled in him from childhood by a strong and protective environment. Since then, he has been going through life like this, not looking back, not noticing all the nuances of human existence. As one scammer said in a similar situation, “it’s just a sin not to withdraw money from such a goose!”

Trouble never comes unexpectedly, it is predetermined; here happiness is a matter of pure chance.
F. Dürrenmatt

What to do in such situations? Are there any tricks to counter the enemy? Exists…

Clue

Looking at the next benefactor of your life, remember that:

1) a “well-wisher” needs your kindness for some reason;

2) a swindler, in order to charm the victim, always falls a little in love with her;

3) “eyes are the mirror of the soul”, including yours, so look better at the shoes of the scoundrel;

4) kinesthetic information (touch, smell, taste) is the most uncontrollable by our consciousness.

And most importantly, don't be so sure of other people! And in its perfection - too... Humanity is developing, and along with it, our knowledge of how to better manage it is also improving. So if you suddenly have to pass by the free distribution of elephants - better go!

And if an unpleasant gift of fate (theft, accident, injury) has already fallen on your head, think: “What decision is this situation pushing me to?” For example, an ordinary broken leg may be a sign that a person is literally going the wrong way in his life, but a cut with a kitchen knife - that he should not trust someone so thoughtlessly. The solution lies on the surface, you just need to see it ...

My tongue is my enemy

An example from life. I once met a young woman on a train. We started talking... A couple of hours later I found out that two years ago her husband and three-month-old daughter had died. The fellow traveler told about this herself, no one pulled her tongue (as it turned out later, I was the first person with whom she wanted - and was able - to talk about this topic). The tragedy, of course, is terrible, but then something else struck me. To my natural question: “How did this all happen?” - she answered in some impassive voice: "They shot at the square when the husband and daughter were walking." Wow they shot! As if this misfortune happened not to her and not to her close, native people! And so, in some action movie, mafia groups staged their showdown, shot a little and fled in different directions.

If we analyze the phrase said by chance, everything will become clear: the chosen frivolous word “shot” involuntarily reflected the internal state of this woman. She could live in the present tense only by perceiving the fact that happened as some kind of cinematic event with unreal characters. So I thought: “It was not with me! In some other life. Just a dream, an obsession!” She did not turn to anyone for psychological help, and she lived, closing her past with seven bolts. She gave the impression of a seemingly happy and even very successful woman. For some reason, I just didn’t want to have more children - never.

Another case. A young woman entered the treatment room on business. She asked: “When will we give an injection?” The nurse replied, "I've already given 10 shots." Without understanding anything, the patient looks for empty vials with her eyes. He doesn't see them anywhere. The nurse continues to chirp: “I already put it out ... I put it out!” Finally, they understood each other. It turns out that in the language of doctors, the word "put up" is similar to the word "done." That is, all this time a professional explained in simple human language: “I have already given you 10 injections. Put!" But the woman’s hearing was still cut off by the word “did.” Why? Because they put someone or something out the door, for ridicule, out.

Expose casually, defiantly, unceremoniously - like a thing. If you decipher the message nurse, it turns out: "There is me, there is my hand, there is a syringe, and everything else does not matter to me." A sort of process of alienating her fate from other people's asses.

About the wisdom of human speech - our special conversation.

View from the outside

As a rule, our thinking is logically rather formalized. That is, we are aware of what is happening around us (and the images that arise inside us) with the help of certain symbols. The images necessary for our understanding can be indicated verbally (we pronounce the words aloud or to ourselves), with the help of fingers (for deaf-mute people), touches (for example, for deaf-blind people). We think in conventional symbols: we see an animal running ahead - we designate it with the term "dog"; we feel some kind of internal discomfort - we say “Cold!”; we are worried because of some trifle - we do not calm down until we understand what it is - fear or conscience.

Moreover, studies show that if there is no word in any language, then people of this nationality do not even know what it is. For example, the Earth's magnetic field has always existed, but only recently we have a good understanding of what a magnetic storm is. It is no coincidence that in all religious and mystical teachings the name of the Almighty is hidden from human knowledge: “This mystery is great.” It is believed that any designation of something unknowable by any specific word only detracts from the strength and power of the latter.

Involuntarily, an anecdote in the topic comes to mind. The foreign delegation comes with a tour of the plant. Suddenly he sees - the master is arguing with the worker. Foreigners are asked to translate the worker's response to the boss. The translator, in confusion, finally says: “The worker explains to the master that if he approaches him again, then he, the worker, will enter into intimate relations with the part, and with the cutter, and with the whole plant as a whole.

There is a problem?

To be honest, I'm always surprised when someone wants to have an intimate relationship with someone's mother (without even seeing her). But I am more indignant at the fact that we allow the mother of a person, our own and other people's genitals to be considered something bad, quite worthy of abusive expressions. There is no such thing in any other language of the world! Now a lot of literature is being published on this topic: dictionaries, philological studies that explain this phenomenon of our language; works of art with so-called profanity, etc. Life is life! What would a normal person say if a brick fell on his foot? And everything would be fine, but one thing is a pity ... Thus, from childhood, from birth, one might say, on a subconscious level, we get used to the fact that everything connected with a person’s sexual life, with his intimate relationship, - Badly.

Maybe this is where the origins of our female enslavement, puritanism, and fear of being sexy come from? In group classes, I was always struck by this fact: when asked to list the qualities perfect woman our women wrote anything: “skillful hostess”, “beautiful”, “charming”, “loving children”, etc. But not one of them ever wrote - “good lover”! How can our Russian woman put such a low quality into her ideal image? In this regard, I would like to remind those who do not know that our speech not only reflects our self-consciousness, but also forms our attitude, the structure of our physical "I".

A person's thinking can change some sensations.
R. Bandler

The conclusion suggests itself: you need to be thoughtful about what you say. No wonder they say: "My tongue is my enemy."

How can we make our speech become our friend?

Clue

Psychologists know that bad words can even harm your own health. Therefore, in your speech, you need to be very careful to use different phraseological units such as “I hit my head against the wall”, “my hands itch”, “I just can’t digest it”, etc. The fact is that our body does not understand pretend talk: it incomprehensible phrases with double meanings. Therefore, the frequent use of the word “irritate” can lead to an increase in the acidity of the gastrointestinal tract, and the phrase “my heart is out of place” can ultimately cause real heart pain. He said once, said twice - he undermined his own health!

For the same reasons, experts in neurolinguistic programming advise using procedural words (verbs of an imperfect form) in case of a person’s illness, and not definitions-statuses (as something motionless that has fallen on a person from somewhere outside, and therefore difficult to treat). In their opinion, it is better to say: “I am hypertensive” (rather than “I have hypertension”), “My head hurts” (rather than “I just had a headache!”) And, of course, “I am recovering!” (even if it seems to you that your disease is still in the same place).

And wish everyone everywhere health, happiness, prosperity! And do not croak, leaving: "Look not ..." A bad word - it is bad! Nothing good comes from him.

Victim Complex

Once I saw such a scene. A girl of 8–9 years old fled on a bicycle from a group of peers. The kids still got her. Then events unfolded like this…

The girl got off the bike, put her head on her shoulders and, with the humility of the condemned, began to wait for the inevitable. The company was confused: the children had one goal - to catch up with her, and they did not know what to do with her next. They started pinching the girl. She did not resist, only silently tried to dodge the tenacious little hands. Then they started pushing her, pulling her hair. The victim of childhood cruelty covered her face with her hands and began to tearfully ask everyone: “No, please! Please…” In the end, the offenders got tired of all this, and then one of them, the most impudent one, approached her and took off her panties. In front of all the kids! And as she stood, she continued to stand, only straightened her dress ...

That is, the person did nothing to stop bullying himself. The girl did not pick up a stone, a stick, she did not even call anyone for help. I myself went up to them and dispersed their company. How she will continue to live with such a shame - I do not know. But I think this case of violence in her life will not be the only one.

View from the outside

There is a type of people who, by their very behavior, provoke others to mistreat them (in particular, to use force against them to reinforce the spoken word). After all, at least two participants are involved in any interpersonal contact, and the distribution of roles occurs according to established rules. If one of the parties begins to pretend to be a victim, then the opposite has no choice but to become a "villain". It happens that only one sight of a person asking humbly: “Don’t hit me, please!” awakens the thought of a blow, and the phrase “Are you going to do anything to me?” encourages you to do something like that. As they say, the bleating of a sheep only excites the tiger.

But the villain himself is not as simple as it seems at first glance! Listening to the rapist, each time you are convinced that he, too, was once a victim for someone (for example, for his father, teenagers in the yard, etc.). The "former slave" remembers this incident... A man on his knees involuntarily awakens this memory of the past in his subconscious. In his appearance, our "hero" recognizes, as it were, himself, the same outcast and dependent, fallen in the eyes of another person. And of course he wants revenge! In other words, at such a moment a person beats not a specific given "victim" for some of her sins - he kicks, first of all, himself from his past. For a while, he wants to be what he once was not. No wonder they say: "There is no worse boss than a former slave."

How are the roles distributed in stages in this neurotic duel called “cops and thieves”? First, one takes a step towards the other, he retreats ... Inspired by the weakness of the apostate, the strongest continues his onslaught - the victim turns his back on him and starts running. “Aha,” the first one understands, “they are afraid of me! They're running, which means they have to catch up... Praying for mercy? Moreover, my prey is worth it to be treated badly! Fulfills my first order, the second - it means that there will be no resistance at all. She's all chained up with fear!" Further events develop according to the already worked out scenario.

There is a problem?

Experts advise to behave differently in such situations. For example, if someone is chasing you on the street. First, stop and look around for a safe place (the area under the lamp, a lighted shop window, etc.). Because the running man is very vulnerable to his opponent! You can push him, trip him, throw a stone in his back. Not to mention the fact that, out of fear, he himself can run to the wrong place.

Secondly, take some object in your hand for protection (stick, stone, sand to throw it into the eyes of the attacker, etc.). An ordinary pen, pencil, umbrella can become a rather painful weapon with a bayonet strike at the enemy's weak points (face, ears, groin, etc.).

And thirdly, to send a signal of danger to unsuspecting civilians. For example, knock on the window of the nearest store with a key, throw a stone at the window of a neighboring house, jump on the hood of a nearby car (an alarm will go off). You can set fire to grass, your own scarf, use an ordinary whistle, etc. Some villains were stopped by a simple, hysterical screech of a victim like: “Don’t come near, I’ll open my veins!”, “I hate it, I’ll throw myself out the window!” - and further in the text.

People are always afraid of what they don't understand.
M. Curie

Of course, the victim complex is not a gift. We need to get rid of it immediately!

Clue

Start simple - with self-defense classes. They good help for those who want to stop being a victim. By the way, they often save women from other accumulated problems. The main thing is to take the first step towards your healing.

One of the Neuro Linguistic Programming (NLP) techniques, the so-called anchor of confidence and calmness, will help in this. Remember a situation in your life in which you showed yourself to be “well done” (for example, you successfully passed some extremely difficult exam). Do you see yourself inside this image? If not, then that's bad. Try to fit inside your picture - see with your own eyes that situation the way you saw it then, in reality. If you do everything right, you will once again experience pride in yourself, and after it comes confidence in your strengths, knowledge, and skills. As soon as this happens - take yourself by the earlobe. "Anchor" on the successful development of events set! Now, in any seemingly insoluble situation for you, this one gesture will be enough for you to have a firm confidence in your abilities.

And the last step. Let's get rid of yesterday. Human relations specialist Louise Hay advises, for example, to knock out old grievances with an ordinary dust stick. Take something soft (an old coat, a pillow, a “dumka” from the sofa) and beat on it with all your might, shouting various offensive words to the point of complete exhaustion ... The personality of the “frog princess” is very liberating! It also relieves throat and other bodily clamps (which are known to contribute to the development of cancer).

You can arrange a real funeral for your last year's grievances. To do this, take and put in a box a note listing everything that you remember, but it would be better to forget it altogether (a paradox, but you will be surprised when you see how few there really are). Tear them all into small pieces and burn them in some secluded place. Flush the ashes down the toilet. This psychological technique will help you live in a new way. What was required to achieve ...

Irreparable loss

In some ways, life is like a minefield: you go and you don’t know when you will blow yourself up, while others are blown up. And over the years, there are more and more such funnels: a classmate died stupidly in a boyish way, the driver’s carelessness ruined a childhood friend, a colleague, whom he was already used to, suddenly died, etc.

Sometimes in life there are such unthinkable situations that you can’t even believe it. This is not something that does not happen, but simply cannot be. As, for example, in the following real history. They lived together for over ten years. There was no family happiness as such. The fact is that he married his betrothed-mummer not out of great love: for this she had to first become pregnant, and then give birth to his son. Of course, after marriage, she took revenge on him for running after him like a dog before marriage. In general, things did not go well: on a scratched sheet of fate, it was not possible to write a new good story. They broke up. Some time later, she was found drowned in the bathtub. He immediately flew to her funeral. On the day of his arrival, when he was crossing the road, thinking about something, he was hit by a car. To death. In the morgue they lay side by side. Everyone agreed: “I took it!”

Or maybe he really couldn't live without her? He was afraid to admit to himself how much he still loved her. In this case, their death exactly equalized.

It would seem that what can console in such sorrowful minutes, days, months? After all, the closest and dearest person did not become. Maybe only one thing: the understanding that it could not be otherwise. What happened, one way or another, was bound to happen. The circle is closed. As in the next story - this time quite typical.

The couple have been married for almost 20 years. She is the backbone of the family, the main earner of money and all sorts of benefits. She solved all the problems of her inner circle herself, saying: "I am both a woman and a man." He was, as they say, a free supplement to her optimism in life, a shadow of Hamlet's father, the object of her own ridicule: "And mine, mine ... here you have done it ...", etc. And suddenly he dies. Suddenly. From a heart attack. As they say, at once ... Only her amazement caused mute surprise: “Why did this happen to him?”

View from the outside

And how could it be otherwise? After all, her husband - on a subconscious level - had not lived for a long time, existed - and nothing more. Moreover, he killed himself every day - drop by drop - with nightly drinking, some kind of furious smoking (as if to spite the enemy). Even if it weren’t for this “accidental” death, something would still happen to him in the coming years - an accident, alcohol intoxication, inoperable cancer, etc. He would no longer know why he was living. If you had asked him this question earlier, you would probably have thoughtfully shrugged your shoulders.

That is, we are talking about a certain life program that is embedded in each of us on genetic level. In accordance with this theory, a person usually leaves for another world (or is taken away) at the point of development from which his personal decline began. The outcome is accelerated by the feeling of a protracted psychological impasse, the aimlessness of the cycle of life. Some especially gifted people with developed intuitive thinking even foresee their death: “Goodbye”, “When I leave ...”, etc. Those who survived are only amazed by the gloomy accuracy of their predictions.

There is a problem?

According to the Austrian philosopher and psychologist Viktor Frankl, a life without meaning is transformed into either a destructive desire for power or a self-destructive desire for pleasure. We can fully observe both on the screens of our TV and in real life.

Sometimes fate is kind to us. As, for example, in the following cautionary tale. Mother and daughter never got along with each other. It seemed to her daughter that her mother had enough time for everything: for work, for her beloved husband, for theaters and cinema - but not for her own daughter. The mother did not understand the childish egocentrism of her daughter, the blind jealousy of her way of life, the inability to live in the interests of other people. In general, they were worthy of each other - two inverted images, as on a playing card.

And it so happened that the eldest of them fell seriously ill and turned out to be of no use to anyone except her daughter. By the way, practice shows that it is their “unloved” children who often take care of disabled parents: some circumstances “happen” to beloved and caressed brothers and sisters all the time. Thus, the daughter was given the opportunity to "fall in love" to her heart's content (of course, to the best of her ability to be a tender and loving daughter because of her "cold" childhood). And here's what's interesting: as soon as the daughter realized the absurdity of her childhood grievances, realized that no one lives for the pleasure of another, her mother died. It seems as if they both had a special time set aside for reconciliation with each other.

When the gods want to punish us, they fulfill our prayers.
O. Wilde

Unfortunately, this opportunity for redemption is not available to everyone. It often happens that people do not have time to say the last "I'm sorry" to each other. And this turns out to be the heaviest burden of being ... What to do in such situations? There is a way out, and many people use it. Without realizing it...

Clue

In order to remove the stone from the soul, it is necessary to say goodbye aloud to the departed person. Many people do just that: they come to the cemetery and talk aloud with their “loss” (as long as there is something to say). Some people find it easier...

In psychology, this phenomenon is called "complete the gestalt." It is known that non-integral images do not settle to the bottom of our memory: they constantly disturb our consciousness according to the principle “something is wrong here”. Therefore, in the event of an unexpected loss of a loved one, it is necessary, at least on an illusory level, to complete the psycho-emotional relationship broken off with him. If it is not possible to visit his grave, you can talk aloud with his photograph, with some thing dear to him. Someone manages to constantly maintain an invisible connection with the departed person, they say so directly: “It always seems to me that he is here, nearby, and I talk to him as if he were alive.”

What other advice can you give to a bereaved person? To preserve mental health, it is better not to display photographs of the deceased in a conspicuous place. A person who has left us should be remembered spontaneously, on occasion: on memorable dates, in connection with some event, etc. You should not force your mind daily with thoughts of death! Especially such "tantric thinking" (breath of death) is detrimental to the unstable child's psyche. Bioenergetics are generally advised to keep away letters, photographs, things of terminally ill people because of their negative informational biofield.

When should you sound the alarm? When the psycho-emotional crisis drags on for more than six months. You need to be able to “let go” of your property ... After all, the longer we mourn a person who has left us, the more he will be, as it were, in a “suspended state”, like a balloon caught on wires, that is, not here and not there. It is difficult for his soul to start fulfilling its other program, as it was supposed to be from above. There were times when a person came to someone in a dream and asked: “Let go!” As they say, we cannot choose how and when we die. We can only decide how we live.

© Bolotova T.E. Stop whining! Take action! Moscow: Peter, 2013
© Published with the kind permission of the publisher

- this is a stable line of behavior that unconsciously provokes others to mistreatment.

This line of behavior is in most cases characteristic of women and originates in childhood impressions.

How to become a confident woman? you will find on our website.

Status Description

Potential victim

A potential victim is a person who has the properties and characteristic features behaviors that increase the risk of crime or violent action compared to other people.

Such a person, as it were, provokes the criminal to commit an act in his direction.

The psychology of the victim is manifested not only in real crimes, but also in everyday life. Often in family relationships such a situation arises where the husband becomes a tyrant and the wife a victim. This can happen for several reasons:

• the husband earns money and provides for the family, placing the woman in a position dependent on him. He works and gets tired, which means he has the right to everything;
• a woman's self-doubt makes her justify everything her husband says or does;
• fear of taking responsibility for her life - a woman herself transfers the reins of control of her life to a man, meekly obeying him and taking all the mockery and insults for granted.

Such a man in the family terrorizes not only his wife, but also all other family members. A man considers himself the master of life and considers it necessary to control his family.

Another common situation where the mother plays the role of the tyrant, and the role of the victim is left to the daughter. Such a mother believes that the world outside the home is evil and cruel, projects her complexes and fears onto the child.

The girl grows up with a sense of guilt and shame, not allowing herself to deviate from the rules inspired by her mother. Sometimes a tyrant mother invents a disease for herself in order to bind her daughter to herself.

What is a sacrifice? About the types of victims in this video:

What is the benefit?

A woman's victim complex - why is it profitable to be a victim? The female victim often feels sorry for herself, looking for the culprit of his sometimes invented problems. She often cries, complains about life, tries to shift the responsibility for her decisions onto other people's shoulders.

But for a woman herself, such a position often seems to be beneficial - she receives attention, support, and help from people around her.

Sometimes with such a defenseless look she hopes to attract a strong man.

A lot of things are allowed and forgiven for a woman-victim, because she, poor, unfortunate, suffered from the evil world.

The role of the victim removes many obligations from the woman, and the victim herself becomes easier to get what you want.

How to get rid of the complex?

To get out of the victim syndrome there are a few rules to follow in life:

1. Don't imagine what doesn't really exist.
2. Do not be offended and do not blame people for your problems.
3. Focus on what is, and not on what is missing or lacking in life.
4. Understand that no one owes anything to anyone.
5. Do not be afraid to take responsibility, try to cope with all the difficulties on your own.
6. Do not be afraid to defend your interests, fight for what you really want.

Why is the victim complex dangerous and how to get rid of it? Tips in this video:

Karpman Bern triangle - how to get out?

According to the theory of K. Bern, in the triangle of interpersonal relations, each participant plays a role - Victims, Aggressor(Stalker) and Savior(Deliverer).

A person can try on different roles in this triangle, but the main thing does not change - each participant is satisfied with the current situation: the Aggressor is satisfied with his role as the ruler of destinies, the Victim likes to suffer and receive everyone's attention, and the Sufferer likes to feel like a “good” person and receive gratitude from the Victim.

To get out of the role of the Victim, you need to realize your position and try not to repeat your past actions.

The victim needs to take responsibility for their feelings and actions, don't ask outsiders for help and try to get out of the current situation.

It often becomes difficult for the Victim to realize what she really feels and what she wants to receive, feel.

What is Karpman's Triangle of Fate? Find out from the video:

What is victimization?

Victimization is called a propensity, a certain predisposition of a certain person becomes a victim of a crime, an act of violence.

Some experts argue that such a tendency is directly dependent on the state of crime. Such potential victims of crime in psychology are called victimized individuals.

In contrast to the victim complex, victimism is considered more social, public concept than personal. Victimized individuals behave in this way because of the line of behavior imposed by society.

Victim behavior

Victim behavior- this is the tendency of a person to get into situations that threaten his life and health.

By his behavior, a person seems to provoke an attack, although he consciously does not want trouble.

For example, a male rapist will choose exactly the girl who is insecure. Such a girl will silently freeze with fear and helplessly resist, silently cry.

Also, on the contrary, too defiant behavior towards an aggressive person can be an example of victim behavior.

criminal can provoke staring, eye-catching, too impudent behavior. The criminal is like an animal, so such a line of behavior can be perceived by him as a call to action.

Victim behavior as a danger of becoming a victim is a line of human behavior that directly provokes a criminal to commit a violent act.

This may be inadequate, too noisy behavior of a person, his willful inclination damage property or insult people, and so on.

Teenagers

Victimization in minors manifests itself in a completely different way than in adults - adolescents can become victims of violence not only due to their personal characteristics, but also because of general victimization social group in which they are located.

On the victimization of adolescents affects:

Often victimized individuals become children from dysfunctional families who have been abused and attacked by others since childhood.

Victimization can also be caused by a person's desire to stand out, to become popular among their peers.

What factors influence?

Factors influencing victim behavior:

• ideological features of the state or a particular locality;
• historical era;
• social or professional community;
• individual qualities of a person, psychological characteristics;
• prevalence of crime in the region.

There are also some qualities that negatively or positively affect victim behavior.

TO qualities that reduce victimization, includes confidence, emotional and psychological maturity, composure. TO qualities that increase victimization, include caution, isolation and helplessness.

How to get rid of suspiciousness? Useful information can be found on our website.

What is victimization? On the meaning of the word - victimhood:

Tyrannical relationship

Such relationships are built on the implementation of the "tyrant-victim" model, where everything is aimed at fulfilling the desires of the tyrant. He imagines himself to be perfect, and the victim accepts such rules of the game.

Such relationships are characterized by violence of any kind - both physical and emotional.

Typically, there are reception "swing"- swearing and fights are combined with periods of calm and prosperity, tenderness alternates with rudeness and humiliation.

How to stop being a victim in a relationship?

Prevention of victimization

TO preventive measures victim behavior applies to:

1. Formation of a respectful attitude towards one's own personality, acceptance of oneself and one's characteristics.
2. Getting rid of complexes and psychological blocks, getting rid of past grievances.
3. Formation positive attitude to life and the people around you.
4. Analysis of your desires, preferences, life goals.
5. Finding balance in dealing with others.

The main thing in the prevention of victim behavior is the realization of the same value of one's own personality and the personalities of the people around.

Useful literature

The most up-to-date Books on victimology are:

In the 70s, the concept of “victim behavior” criticized by the feminist movement.

They called this approach blaming the victim for the crime and removing half the blame from the perpetrator. Therefore, at present, a similar term as an assumption, not a full theory criminalistics and psychology.

Psychic victimization - guilt or trouble? About prevention in this video:

To begin with, let's open a little secret: unfortunately, the psychology of the victim is embedded in our mentality. Just remember the Russians folk tales, for example, "Morozko" or the same "Kolobok", "The Frog Princess", "Snow Maiden". Heroes often attract misfortune and sacrifice themselves for someone else. Moreover, fairy tales teach us that this is good.

And now bad news: there is nothing good in this and until you get rid of the position of the victim, you will not have any decent work with a good boss and salary, no normal personal life, no good friends without a stone in his bosom. So let's talk about how to stop being a victim.

Who is guilty?

Victims like to blame someone for all their troubles. But in fact, researchers of such a phenomenon as the position of the victim believe that everything really begins with the family. But it's not her fault.

Victim behavior is rooted in a parenting style in which the child is blamed for what he cannot be guilty of simply because he cannot control this situation. For example, they strongly scold the baby, who, against his will, got into his pants. Also, the imposition of serious responsibility on the baby leads to the position of the victim. For example, if a three-year-old is forced to follow a one-year-old younger brother. Of course, this is an impossible task for the elder, because he is still small himself.

Loving mothers who have had a hard time with pregnancy or childbirth often load their children with guilt: “I suffered with you, I almost died while you were born,” etc. A child cannot be born a second time, but the thought that he harmed his mother, that he is bad, that he did something wrong, has already settled in his mind. Everything is aggravated by the fact that the child literally believes all the signals from the outside world. And then everything goes on increasing.

Specialists who study the syndrome of the victim in psychology believe that its owners are often looking for secondary benefits. So, unpleasant situations give people the opportunity not to do what they do not want. In addition, it is after unpleasant situations that we receive support from loved ones, a vest for tears, energy replenishment and just attention to ourselves. But there are no other advantages to living as a victim.

What to do with the secondary benefit? She is probably related to negative attitude what gets you out of trouble. Roughly speaking, if your hands are constantly covered with eczema, then you will not have to wash the hated dishes. But you can change your attitude towards washing dishes. Sometimes this process becomes a source of inspiration (this was the case with the same Agatha Christie). So skin diseases will go away.

Our beliefs

This is another whale on which the psychology of the victim rests. The conviction that the world and people are dangerous translates into all our behavior. And if dogs feel our fear by the smell of adrenaline, then bosses-aggressors, sadistic husbands, maniacs and thieves - by facial expressions, posture, tension, or vice versa, relaxation. What we cannot say with words, body language will fully and completely tell.

What to do with fear as the main sign of the victim? First of all, realize that fear is just a lack of information. Not knowing what awaits around the corner, we ourselves paint this reality with those brushes and paints that are in our minds. Thus, we ourselves attract aggressive people with our own negative thinking.

What can be done about it? Just remember those beliefs and thoughts that swirled in your head at a time when everything worked out for you, when you had enough strength and when everything in life was relatively stable and predictable. If possible, turn them on whenever the unknown arises in front of you.

Generic causes

Here we just look at our parents and copy their victim behavior, repeating their fate. Sometimes, however, parents do become victims of cruel circumstances, but we look up to our mother and copy her behavior. And so several generations of women appear in the family, repeating the fate of each other.

So, Katya's husband died in the war in 1942, leaving Katya with three children. The young woman had to raise the children herself in times of famine, left without any male help. Her daughter Raya married an alcoholic who died young due to his own stupidity, as a result, Raya raised her daughter Luda herself in difficult conditions. Luda married a spineless and weak man who lay on the couch and did nothing to help her, who raised two children on her own in the 90s ... Her daughters support spineless husbands and do not receive any help from them.

What to do here? Only work out the generic cause with a psychologist, since each such case is individual. Well, to realize that you are not obliged to live like a mother and have the right to your own destiny.

What else will help?

• Never show your anxiety, because this way you will definitely fall into the clutches of the aggressor;
• Forget about "false propriety". They prevent us from defending ourselves. Sacrifice often develops in those people in whose family the rules were dictated by the strongest, and the child was forced to obey (or provoked an inept rebellion). So we developed a fear that if we tried to protect ourselves, it would only get worse.

  You can’t disturb the elders because of your problems and distract them from solving their own problems, otherwise you can seriously get in trouble. This is how people grow up, confident that it is indecent and it is impossible to disturb people with requests for help, to “swing their rights”, to shout.

  It will be inconvenient for such people to express their suspicions of the dishonesty of their superiors, they take on unnecessary responsibilities so as not to offend their neighbor, etc. These are all false pretenses. To throw them away, learn to quickly navigate the situation and quickly figure out how serious the danger threatens you. Then you can adequately respond to the aggressor;

• Live here and now, because such people are less likely to become victims than those immersed in their experiences and thoughts.

Finally, work on your fears. They are the ones who turn us into victims.

In fact, getting rid of the position of the victim is a long and hard job. You may have to lift a lot of those layers that you don’t want to touch and even admit the unpleasant truth about yourself, but life will also become easier.